Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

) e# l$ a# d9 F2 H- {8 Z2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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* @) K9 n4 }( K3 q8 w/ K3 |3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

, `& E8 m) O' W( f/ l4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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3 j, Z6 p6 P$ n2 k6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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4 n; U$ E  I( H' s, n1 Y7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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( {; \# {. o5 R  J  Z8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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2 u+ F0 w3 n# N3 V! I9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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6 A8 _2 l; ~  S6 M12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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" t8 A* J4 w$ v0 }( B) A: R9 K13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

. C0 H. {! [8 ^4 a& w# W% i* m8 e% }14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.