Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

$ V4 x5 ^( Y% ]$ w' i) I; wThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

0 Y$ t6 S7 i5 U; n3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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8 e- f3 r. B: ^6 l- `, C) ^6 j* w7 \4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

; Y! E8 q$ T/ A5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

1 S0 x7 F# |0 E6 ]/ r% m8 x7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

* Q2 O- M! X0 ?* H8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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) _. _4 A$ A, r! `9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

; f! f' E4 ]* E) q3 ^10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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, n+ P7 Y" H" `+ w11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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; i* s  b. y# L) z3 Z, f12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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% L7 m8 Q: F$ y3 o& V15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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- l. H% c7 ~& [# K5 X- X% j16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.