Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

- z1 ~% g7 w( u. M1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

6 W' X! w: _4 X& b$ h( M) E4 C' B3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

( I& p' w& }. I$ v1 {" |7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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) k/ {+ x0 Q' j8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

, |, A2 {* Z# p8 m3 }# X7 z& z1 h3 l9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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- p1 Q/ n0 Y, m1 L12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

+ q; g; t' P4 H! e13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

9 c6 b) m; @$ L% F9 {( D16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.