Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

0 k7 m3 c' Z* {8 xThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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5 l9 P" ?+ z4 V* r5 S! E7 `1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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6 J* r0 B/ x" `2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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/ I$ E& p) g0 o+ u1 v3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

! @$ \7 _7 ]- Q7 H5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6 q* w1 Q( `$ h1 p: x  w3 i" [6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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# |9 N' ^) @' S6 y# K" r+ A7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

  g; [% Y& l& V+ G0 v9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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& i, S; E# U! P6 {, B6 Z0 b1 D1 J10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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% X; ^- X- @& y12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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8 h# Z4 b* P& ~0 C4 X$ S. h9 {13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.