Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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9 k% k5 p. b4 h9 O0 iThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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' t+ X2 T. j( Z. \: U' d2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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8 A  f7 d9 J  l8 \+ S1 p. `3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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, z. {9 c: n4 Z4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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% o# T4 J) C5 b% D5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

' \1 q+ m" Z5 j/ Q! _  P5 e( k; C6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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* k% g7 b2 d3 b3 A2 `% b7 H$ ]7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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! o& U5 j  r. q4 \8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

- R, H% j5 z+ x( x( @- b13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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0 o" U2 l3 P4 {  n0 u( W  `; }14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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3 R6 @2 l+ u! s4 j+ F15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

) k( ^1 a4 {/ J( M5 M4 d16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.