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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
9 X5 O+ c4 x0 W4 M
+ Y- y4 K( `/ K; c9 r- fI fell in love with you
, A5 f8 e: N6 l0 S' W2 QAt the first week we met$ m' D6 q  i& E5 H# V2 X$ C

2 L0 e4 `/ ]6 |3 K' VYou have charm, you have looks
6 |1 O; D; d& i: ~" ~9 owith full of pimples in face. i# N5 A: O; {) [+ ?/ @9 p  F5 V
As spotting sky at a summer night
6 M; X; J$ U) ]) i1 {( E5 h4 N6 mThey are shining stars5 F* F1 d9 L, M& Q  d

; r4 w. p1 a# B. T6 s  @Your lip is so big5 B' X) B: e. S  [
And that’s good for a kiss( L' H# [3 \: e2 F, B
Your body is chubby
0 D: X" n5 f5 r9 R3 A# d5 u5 ^7 EAnd that is good for sex+ }" D& \. ]# u0 e* b8 X/ L
3 T6 Q  v& Q. @. e
I was deeply in love
" w; x7 a& c+ I! @5 Q5 I, M4 IEverything from you is positive, J' X3 \, u/ W! ^3 }" q* T
You blame me everything and everyday1 u6 w- r$ ~, O( Y
And I think all girls sound like7 W8 \6 K- F- }) N- l
  g) z5 x5 ]4 ^" P5 [/ t
You could not stand my eating0 U* F# y, J& u" z# \6 B
Saying no good for making funny sound% C5 u  T) m. B
I think you are perfectly right, a' y9 Y7 P" g7 X, P! ]
Eating with sound is a pig% M! K- [6 }, }! s/ \& q
$ v, A. X! g2 }$ l# ~% D
I fell in love with you
1 p. ]6 c3 m8 Q" ]! f& ]7 bBecome a fool to think8 X8 w; U; Q+ x% r  e! U
All trouble things you did
  U) }; g! a2 J5 G) b9 D9 Z8 HAnd that is the price for love4 v- s/ f0 |* l1 C  H3 {
1 E0 f# p. [" `2 C& ]: @
you are deeply in love, W9 s3 ^& K3 H6 s2 N3 G2 i
Everything from me is negative
9 F$ G& y: _3 m6 l"My man should be like this,; m- a5 t; X+ p) d5 S8 b8 A( {
and I am helping you to improve'  g8 F- b1 W  Q+ B0 n1 G

, ~/ N% l' U! X7 v0 ~You are loving me
2 d0 B6 k5 F% Z4 A; |) l/ sor that one in your mind?
5 E2 p; W- L7 A$ O% l+ L+ gMy mind is like a mud
) b- {, L1 t) e7 u7 z8 X" ?can be shaped whatever you want, R; F6 c& D$ y: J
  {0 Z* S& s, W8 f8 i
unfortunalety not my heart, t) a0 r7 ~4 `8 o% [: b( z
It is slashed by you ' ~& B0 d' P4 T! ~) T' S
and I am seriously hurt
. W& O0 {" n  t9 ?
& ^0 R$ M; L' ]% {% b3 x3 Y% f/ zI will never love another
: N. M$ P6 ~: R$ A, }4 f5 VIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ! N3 f4 K1 D. C  m* A' J
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

) o6 Q+ e3 o+ C) @2 \7 V9 G: D7 ~0 b) z5 s# X
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
; G- N2 ]1 k7 F+ x$ O不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
9 {) s8 v, L: W4 c2 @4 ti am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
6 m$ Z+ P5 [7 p8 a2 Z9 R: xAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
  k3 @( `& C- B/ F: |
4 E- a2 \" n$ z% N3 J# ^0 _with the charm," e8 g5 {8 I# @' }0 F' m
with the simles.
! E" }- ?1 T' n" l% I, t4 [3 sI fell in love with you
5 y$ x7 W4 V# S2 b. UIn the first sign.
, I8 x$ `6 S& n& qAs spotting sky at a summer ' G7 |( C# m0 V/ k# q1 P1 o+ b

" _& o# e+ r) F0 {: S" oYour lip is so soft   t/ b  p( G( P. P
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss$ i' K1 G3 k# ^- z4 P
Your body is so sexy
- F8 M5 d4 T$ A& v$ \1 O' DAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u., v+ j5 F) e3 K7 G" x+ r. Q0 Z( A

* w& c& u- @* G9 \I am deeply in love
8 N- V- E% `* }7 t. t3 E, u5 FEverything from you is so charming
3 K" f& J  r0 walthough You r so picky for me / \5 _7 C$ A% b# A6 F" h! u* b) }. E% r
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.) S" _, m/ u6 Y. z
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem! b9 D& Z) I6 }' M" D8 t

1 m* P; T2 L6 ]; v& l) _2 `0 J5 \( A4 S0 W$ _) y$ [
His hello is the end of her endings# ^$ E. Y* ]6 V5 U
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% y; F* Y7 x9 L* YHis hand would be hers to hold forever
4 S6 }. }+ Y6 ^: _$ I- Y$ fHis forever is simply as her smile
6 L% G7 `  u. }" H- E% m' |& lHe said she was what was missing/ l% L- O3 }: q) W0 p: P
She said instantly she knew; e1 D, Q( |- F5 T
She was a question to be answered/ n; V: j1 B8 Q# E, c+ P# M( C
And his answer is
- N7 s2 Y& e) \% ~7 T0 R3 II do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
7 h- W9 L/ t$ `' s% X3 ?4 s& H2 f6 }$ j. a$ i& v8 A5 W
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
- j6 z* L5 D  I  c& y  K9 O; B6 h8 K6 g/ }" b
It's amazing how I felt 6 u2 b% k; D6 r2 @
when I was with you
# `) l2 K; R5 m! `! D$ }, fMy heart beat so fast
6 {" e7 m! L9 y! JI looked at you and thought
3 x% F7 `2 ?; m; f3 x; X2 x+ uHoly Jesus, you were so cute
* v) Q" P9 x2 J
* c' l; A: {, u. W1 k% yYou left me without a word, w4 [- N) N' M1 m
I have nothing except my emptiness2 O0 Y* h8 c( u
My mood is like a cloud& p' s( k9 V: {
How could it be dispersed?
% M" a/ y2 q4 X; F
7 Q; e3 v- D5 {Feelings bite my heart
) z+ R& N1 }5 N! ]2 cYou are the right one I wait
. W1 f5 s9 u: q( Y9 pIn the depth of my soul
- ^; v/ n+ ?+ P" CI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ W8 d% h8 R* x4 r) B你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% h- I3 D0 N( y
就和用中文写一次
  n* _/ q. }( t阿,我爱你
3 k- w$ R' L$ s0 x你让我心跳好快
7 S# {" [! P7 g0 \. q5 [- h) r- D你让我脸发热  n' m2 l4 }+ b, F
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ [, t, K6 o; v+ y8 `5 hXXXXX1 u  h3 N7 h  s) D) v# n1 z
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?4 ~( C9 N- K5 k" o% |* I
6 ]6 w" k, w. W+ G0 h7 J' `* o
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER% P: n1 Q  M9 x
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 9 [+ P4 u# w' \/ r. s" u9 Y( Z
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 X' y+ i' k, W8 h你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! T/ L4 Q* u6 M: _) X就和用中文写一次+ F* {+ \) P; G1 a" G3 G7 D3 J
阿,我爱你
. |# }+ P5 h: h( A) p: B0 j. N你让我心跳好快
, v4 ~7 s" @$ Q你让我脸发热! @& p7 @& w, F- Y9 q' r
我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 A; ?) w! {7 i' H/ S, `5 EXXXXX  c# x2 ~0 m. _" s" J8 w, D8 _
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

1 k6 U0 I# n! R" M, Z1 u, r$ E1 U" q9 [& ?) Q- j
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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