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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
* a* A: r9 x) K; [  |4 h* J8 B
+ w: x: N! ]) H$ [I fell in love with you & V/ u2 T0 J5 y$ g/ H
At the first week we met
2 w, x+ r2 O7 E! Z4 i
3 Q& Q$ A0 ?+ a& L; O! i& ]2 pYou have charm, you have looks6 j9 Z/ d0 k! R
with full of pimples in face
/ K. o% v9 I1 r- S/ P* D  NAs spotting sky at a summer night0 n7 l. n$ ^- W/ @+ N
They are shining stars
8 u: \3 a  \; o1 k: n& j# ^! u# e6 J1 y3 D) d8 c
Your lip is so big2 I# v. I# L, L8 T1 @. h1 O
And that’s good for a kiss& Y$ O4 Q; T$ }1 J
Your body is chubby6 @* Z/ q" I% {$ _
And that is good for sex0 J* A6 V# R( \( n9 e' k
$ h6 R  }1 X: A$ W/ ^  v+ {; a
I was deeply in love3 }/ w# E3 m0 I8 k; s/ Z
Everything from you is positive4 G% c( J0 A1 M: A: |% c
You blame me everything and everyday
: D$ Z' I) g! ?0 Y- s) p" n0 MAnd I think all girls sound like
6 m) t: ~; V0 d; q, B. G, G( O6 S: u# a3 }' C* k: t/ u. W
You could not stand my eating
6 f) h. H. m) P1 m6 v% W3 E' uSaying no good for making funny sound, |  m2 P+ g3 P
I think you are perfectly right
3 v6 E) z" l' ^* |Eating with sound is a pig
/ c  k+ w5 z  @- ]4 V. }( t& r
! O: E# W7 ~/ c, s1 x* B$ {* iI fell in love with you $ x; q, j  D- z: N# D
Become a fool to think+ x, h8 u6 M+ @' F
All trouble things you did/ V, p) z- X* V8 X
And that is the price for love
+ W  Z3 K1 A: T" P8 s* b! m8 u% N0 {% U4 u& S
you are deeply in love
2 |  k' w0 i  ?Everything from me is negative0 U5 [) L2 A6 Y8 m6 k: A1 V/ ?
"My man should be like this,
( d' X: a# P' W' K: k2 Gand I am helping you to improve') Z0 ?4 |5 Z0 O6 n1 ^

' I2 `9 O$ V* H9 t  e0 UYou are loving me * l% a6 i. h$ C. n
or that one in your mind?$ T# o, e- P/ L2 j
My mind is like a mud
, n0 Z& P# X8 ^3 o+ vcan be shaped whatever you want- ?+ y* D' f4 G# Z" ?8 c
2 K3 k, h9 j6 D5 N/ T
unfortunalety not my heart
7 V9 V$ g% w* G7 E+ R$ A+ }It is slashed by you . H$ n# E8 R, X1 p8 |: q, ^- F
and I am seriously hurt
5 m. a; U  Y8 p, z" C2 G( d! S8 p4 w7 a
I will never love another - X. h7 Y( ~1 u6 n) j1 G$ |
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ( s- a) y3 t7 t; ~) |
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% s1 r0 l# X, A% a2 ^7 D" B" u/ V6 k5 U- I, O/ t7 P; `
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
$ d: i& W% l! \, V7 r8 M* E不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
9 p+ i& C/ O2 W+ F% {i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.4 t6 U5 a# k3 Y# }
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed( Y7 s  Q: i- |4 a

+ i* a( M' E( ^! Lwith the charm,
: Y0 q+ i2 B( E* K$ Q9 }with the simles.
0 \) ~1 J; r- N; H4 m4 t. U. ZI fell in love with you 3 ^" H* v6 ^8 h: y/ n7 m. z
In the first sign.
5 h/ ], @" E' f) a7 i2 e, g4 m* TAs spotting sky at a summer $ B6 ?- E. Z( x, j5 Y  e

+ g) Q5 O5 l1 U! SYour lip is so soft / x; F; V) _: D* A( T8 _3 C8 A( I7 ^
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
& W0 a" w; p2 W3 \+ qYour body is so sexy
8 n% {0 V: F( l& j# LAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* V# M0 @& n- {9 A9 i$ x
# b* F- w8 [. C8 Q, h! X
I am deeply in love
3 t: |1 y7 w9 N+ F, I* f. G( XEverything from you is so charming
# X  G$ o, Q2 Y) m3 Y) D2 M- |although You r so picky for me 0 ^0 h& d1 N2 v/ B5 S. g' Y
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 h: E* J$ M  v& M% I7 o& WBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem* j- Y4 `. H* {4 P5 R5 K; H
9 P" d6 K9 v' P2 L! [+ |' ~

2 j! h* l0 P7 m4 U' q( \His hello is the end of her endings6 ?* M+ F6 S8 R* M- f
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
2 {5 E: @" ]. O  w6 C% `His hand would be hers to hold forever
$ M3 k6 e: L* WHis forever is simply as her smile 1 K# k1 z4 Y  k3 K
He said she was what was missing4 k/ P) ~' j) _; N7 J; \
She said instantly she knew
4 o; g# w! @2 U' l) sShe was a question to be answered
/ X# J* S$ z1 A% TAnd his answer is
* e. T' e8 l4 E; p% X6 k& d; `I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas" g+ ]. W! u: X$ R0 ~7 K+ y
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
$ N' V: Z8 d4 _) c: n6 r
6 X0 y' G9 U  r, XIt's amazing how I felt
# e9 `: i3 P3 _$ Ewhen I was with you
1 l1 C% {& {1 R# x8 j, lMy heart beat so fast" z7 [2 W* _' f( g& M! c
I looked at you and thought: w/ N' O7 T* N, B& t3 Y% ~
Holy Jesus, you were so cute% z9 r* }3 p% r" [
, U) A" t- l! V+ X* N4 |- ]
You left me without a word9 ^+ v5 R( b4 k; v/ m
I have nothing except my emptiness3 }0 Q9 r' a. `' ?- k5 Y
My mood is like a cloud
$ d; T* `  _: q' i3 n" @/ bHow could it be dispersed?( a; ?7 r/ y+ L, V5 J- ]2 O

0 m/ E. o0 b2 G9 X2 ]Feelings bite my heart 3 V0 W6 p1 A2 @0 }
You are the right one I wait8 I% }- A1 w3 R( v' b! o
In the depth of my soul5 F  \5 T* A! c9 p
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美3 B4 [, e% a9 T- d3 z2 b- M) N
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道* v* h0 Y' @  G, f
就和用中文写一次
( I5 W5 n9 Z: |4 d. s阿,我爱你
! F1 q; M  ]* O6 i- p你让我心跳好快2 D7 h* [, J- ^& t
你让我脸发热& o) l4 a  d% f) k3 P7 b
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( R* ?* f1 g! tXXXXX
  t2 S7 i. `) B$ E" Z$ I: e不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?6 M5 \, Y: `# t. N& A

4 c& [, S: B1 @) j4 D如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
2 d% `% v8 [+ J) |$ G/ \至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ' ^& B) [, I+ O! p& r+ B$ }
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 a* c4 ]% ^8 \9 ^! C. _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道4 O3 D+ k5 H: _# t
就和用中文写一次
7 Q. C2 ]3 ]; Y6 T2 G- I阿,我爱你
' s2 _% v  }. |+ c" `( I1 Q. \1 j你让我心跳好快( U0 X- t' i+ F) g2 k, j
你让我脸发热1 z3 a: `* X) I8 F
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ s' P* `. |$ X$ XXXXXX
' _5 `7 L& `" g2 r不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
2 m+ a/ ]) z0 B4 z8 J1 c
$ h# i4 {& g# _4 y4 s
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.3 K& P# w* ]' T. M
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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