我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

& g! b3 V; v6 {$ kI fell in love with you
+ Y& Q9 J9 r- _5 a1 eAt the first week we met
3 i: w( b0 R$ I  f9 ?3 E
# n" `, B+ m( R+ _You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
, s# Z, A! X/ I; c& E; kAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

: `: f1 C  y3 Y% n. Q: x* D, o7 OYour lip is so big
% E& T0 a) x/ K9 g* F! I+ xAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

$ p% e9 X; {: n- n( C# A! fI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
/ P: f( o' g1 z, _7 \You blame me everything and everyday
+ v+ e4 M: J. f$ V6 `6 D7 Y% _And I think all girls sound like
$ |: Y7 r& M: [4 Y+ k, U  o) m0 G
You could not stand my eating
; ?+ v: l  d0 N$ h; {Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

2 R& K9 H3 |' o& vI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
5 q' w7 T8 i7 z: {5 z! t" OAll trouble things you did
  l, H: ~/ \! h; Q1 N  u, \And that is the price for love
3 b9 M% z5 d" x. s. p9 r
# E5 s: {. F( L( U) H6 }3 iyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
# q. p2 p5 n& C% r"My man should be like this,
% M- ^( `3 p/ J! J6 ?4 O' Wand I am helping you to improve'
5 N7 J! B9 e- V5 H' U) o# r7 u
3 r3 u* Y, f0 |. l! L& n! |You are loving me
  \4 X8 `8 r/ F" yor that one in your mind?
) f2 v6 _+ z6 CMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
& M& V0 F' Y7 J8 J+ Y
/ B, l- {( z2 D) }/ Z: eunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

' |) a5 v" R4 s7 I% J: N" O; r
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
6 K' j; H. k6 Y" _$ Z4 Z( Z' Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
$ l. @8 J8 `' K7 i2 B- |/ n& F5 \And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

/ E: J) m" i) M0 `2 u- u! Ewith the charm,
/ y" Y0 q! l2 Lwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

3 i9 @8 @+ d$ S7 }# Y; j% nYour lip is so soft
# w% o9 K# r$ k& ?7 f( c/ {- Uthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
" }) U4 N" I8 m+ u3 E) w- ^0 }And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 E. Z% S* h2 n7 O3 P) g' ~" A
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
% M+ U" w+ |( N4 }8 {& {And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
5 D$ m; u' v1 I5 i4 U6 H8 sBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 @6 A( q1 }7 Q9 P& W% S

7 e9 ^9 Y) F/ I* q' IHis hello is the end of her endings
* X; B6 d- @+ X, VHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: y: P' x( v( R+ z3 A- R' q9 C' [His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
7 Q& \; j/ k* w0 X  F. J3 j; u0 ]She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
0 x0 v/ y3 k0 a; J& VAnd his answer is
# `4 m. ~* `' k& bI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
. i$ r& k" l1 Q" C$ M$ `0 Y* U5 Q& G
: `4 a) q2 f. X7 I+ C% k& J/ kBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
+ P+ r5 u5 t& B7 A7 b( _3 T1 k9 L
3 Y# z* H7 e9 s6 FIt's amazing how I felt
6 {5 U, e* r4 B' L' Uwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
: `6 ^/ c: f! F# s7 D" D; TI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
1 _  g& |) R: o% q2 {# y3 @My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
9 v/ q$ \% d9 q& A) H. A" V: x
Feelings bite my heart
  c/ c2 Q" y0 a2 D* ?- [9 GYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ c  n+ N+ J6 C* @- y  i. `你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
& d+ E( ^5 L, a+ [我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
* h& |( d5 v7 J" \7 ?8 k0 n不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
4 e* g+ P) c* z* W" G至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
4 t& f* u0 \, J, S闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: t6 l( A. K: C0 c9 t; f: S3 r你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
6 m* |$ F+ p9 l你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
1 B, ?( u3 W# h& r不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  F  T( `' n4 M* B- N6 g靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 w0 U& _+ j% a0 p" Z' b2 O

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。