我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
" t0 I  ]$ F+ n/ N
8 X' x9 }  A4 _+ |# ?I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
7 Z! Y. N& ^/ w0 ^- F
4 Q) j) l% w; f. b8 z- qYou have charm, you have looks
- n/ l4 t  J  v: {' U1 c5 m/ M8 c7 D) pwith full of pimples in face
5 @) U1 G& T6 u& _1 g  f) u0 f5 wAs spotting sky at a summer night
2 g# ~- y; W' w% W' y5 MThey are shining stars
1 i- Q( g# k8 j4 }7 f# N
Your lip is so big
/ T& x; N/ [9 \1 r, G/ g: AAnd that’s good for a kiss
; s) s) `% D" P7 V, `. t3 J+ dYour body is chubby
1 `) D6 L/ k3 \2 CAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
& G6 f7 ?) {4 [Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
5 H+ V) D8 P) j- u! h9 @# B2 V  mAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
3 ?6 K" @' |, |+ YSaying no good for making funny sound
5 @6 f+ i; t/ ^I think you are perfectly right
* u5 ]9 e9 m2 l; ]Eating with sound is a pig
- c7 K& ?- b% q1 f) k
- u: p2 t, {" C* c* A; {8 m; GI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
4 Q0 R- G6 h( t* MEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
  B0 A7 F+ Z5 i8 l7 F8 u
" d' ~3 _5 T9 WYou are loving me
3 _5 A2 ?& L4 J2 d- }, Qor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
8 C' k0 R9 |, I' j& F* F* Q! |can be shaped whatever you want
3 j. l! L7 ^8 F+ Z" q
unfortunalety not my heart
0 ^0 [9 _! k, }, U. a; I! }7 cIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
2 E# G! U' r: u' y5 bmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

8 v# O5 Q5 T  J4 E
4 h* @6 j. M0 i# F# Q" @8 U咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
0 f2 W0 {2 k0 {/ j/ Y4 fwith the simles.
- q0 E: P' t. l/ h% t# QI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
1 I5 d: J1 m. j+ X) hAs spotting sky at a summer
, I$ }$ n& |5 l' p3 N
0 H0 D7 I7 R. \  X* ]Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
8 O* G  d5 O0 u2 e! _
% X9 d$ b8 s6 Q( `: fI am deeply in love
. T, h3 k- a/ k) GEverything from you is so charming
. m" }2 v7 z6 H: @although You r so picky for me
# W8 t$ S, q( ~# c5 z/ J* ZAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  v; \  X# J) E1 ?1 g+ [+ K6 [, FBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
2 r7 ^7 C! y8 ]: o( T. {! ], XHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' x, n8 w, X) `9 U6 XHis hand would be hers to hold forever
5 u: R$ d& I. l/ c  C. yHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
2 i) V+ [/ S; L2 j6 b& yShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
* v* g2 c) P1 j( \2 x; i. \I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: T' T( Z7 \! U
4 ]( ~! E  C" x' P/ `$ x0 v. p8 P5 Q+ @Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

! B! [% B8 p& I* w0 xIt's amazing how I felt
$ F1 h3 N( O: R( `2 N- t' Awhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
+ Z+ c0 O1 z: G5 B( \I looked at you and thought
1 m. E. c+ @: r, F) VHoly Jesus, you were so cute
. g0 V8 J6 `4 F8 D% V
. i: n; T% T) r/ k1 PYou left me without a word
* r' ]9 s" t0 N- ^* t0 v" Z7 wI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
7 K( [( r8 i( X# P, mHow could it be dispersed?
; n, p8 l1 w( v- M1 F
+ j+ k- E* T& XFeelings bite my heart
' |* t; i# w+ C. c* e. l( mYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
/ J4 `) f) K- {3 @  {I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
: R* s# `$ E& g, q* ?( z你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 F' y3 Y0 H! v% c; IXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
: U8 l& y+ W: k2 U8 J
" c9 [  J+ S. y+ `4 P如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 A0 k1 k1 R% k* u8 D7 u  X. C9 n至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
* {& x! P$ d+ E3 f闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 x# H0 l  A" B9 W' m7 M  n! P4 Y就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
7 f" w; {) `% p. N你让我脸发热
2 l$ R3 d! q6 V( O& v' r我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
  ~1 ]* x' r0 N* V3 l) S3 w不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

; C& F* s1 j: W' e靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ ]# _7 w# Z+ Z$ l

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。