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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
( B% q" s1 w4 D7 Z$ m5 O6 _. R) J* ^
I fell in love with you
  U" F4 @$ O% X, U( v& TAt the first week we met6 ~9 C2 P: t; ?: I- Q

! v) J& \! h5 `You have charm, you have looks: d3 D6 @# _9 a0 Z" j. l/ J/ W
with full of pimples in face
, E" K5 T; {( P( ?As spotting sky at a summer night
( E- u+ K" Y- L; xThey are shining stars
/ q0 B$ x7 s3 M+ [9 P8 a
1 v* _# k+ L" o) ?, I7 vYour lip is so big- d7 }! ?+ H: [* a- \4 z/ M8 j/ v
And that’s good for a kiss# v6 E, L9 }% A: Q
Your body is chubby
& P8 }4 A* O, K) x0 gAnd that is good for sex; v: L8 L' A* t; L

/ ?2 j( Y7 _* F  h/ [I was deeply in love
; b& l1 ]; l6 VEverything from you is positive8 m. E: D7 s1 Q
You blame me everything and everyday
2 Q8 A3 p* r4 ?% C5 MAnd I think all girls sound like
& }3 a, Z, E0 c& u. N( ]+ c5 v) j7 p' I5 o2 u) |5 N( o* x2 ~
You could not stand my eating6 T" A* l% H+ w0 i6 r& S* z
Saying no good for making funny sound8 i- k4 }+ R# q% ]# ~  k2 ~$ Q
I think you are perfectly right  r: {! a5 Z) k' B# U
Eating with sound is a pig, u5 d; a% I( g! u

- ]/ v+ C9 S3 _* F& pI fell in love with you
$ ?+ j+ f9 ?% Y$ x2 R; b2 EBecome a fool to think
# Q+ R, f$ J: \, E2 BAll trouble things you did
/ V$ Q5 i1 a( {" a# w, n7 r6 g% M$ fAnd that is the price for love1 t+ h1 U- j) Q- m9 y. o6 K& E
8 q7 j% m! O- Y+ S/ ]; W0 `
you are deeply in love  Y$ [2 Y( I' W; p$ i
Everything from me is negative
) Q/ z: e' L! B$ t- R8 o$ k"My man should be like this,
( C2 o( L* P& \1 V/ i2 ~3 P' b, v9 ^and I am helping you to improve'
* w! v( o1 P2 ]# r1 P6 k0 T4 R  @3 P  W; ]. m9 R9 _
You are loving me
4 A4 M( @# c9 _/ j! Tor that one in your mind?  v& h: U8 J- U2 ?8 i3 }4 f
My mind is like a mud
% X5 X9 B$ K7 y4 K) Gcan be shaped whatever you want
% h* f1 s( p: Z% N! c5 K1 t* A
# u8 U" g/ _8 N. G7 `unfortunalety not my heart
3 A+ s5 c  e6 l% ]It is slashed by you 0 U4 m2 t1 o8 b2 m9 ?
and I am seriously hurt6 a/ N9 p9 J5 c4 ~  J* j4 E

- g. x8 _% }( A6 X( tI will never love another
  W1 `5 P9 k, YIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* Y# @: }( p, r& U# m/ gmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

' [' s' I' L, |  r4 X9 k- \
1 V8 l  F& L* p! d! N' X咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!6 N" Q$ H# H2 r0 s. E2 F, \
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
- A+ m5 ]' |8 e/ O% f. Ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
$ y: n! ^9 J: m: }9 KAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed. n( _( m( L7 n  m, O4 n

" x$ E! a# G8 D) ?( O6 Jwith the charm,& n. X& B8 s' H  j  L- ~; ?, a1 r* [
with the simles.
( A* M" e4 u$ ^2 kI fell in love with you 8 y) N# e. y" W' m3 F; a
In the first sign.
8 o+ o# I# p( L! E6 @8 i! XAs spotting sky at a summer
% p+ C  o6 i. e. V: T) _
7 `5 [# q5 v# h! JYour lip is so soft 0 E9 ]# r7 R% k2 m" h3 @. v( W
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss5 n- E+ H9 g: g; t/ p4 i
Your body is so sexy
! N& @( A( f) lAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.1 T& y, u, V& S
$ T. V, N3 }8 L  H
I am deeply in love3 M) v2 P  b! V3 R) O( x
Everything from you is so charming
* o; J9 C+ I: Calthough You r so picky for me
5 n7 K" q1 F' ^) hAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.; j2 i6 m, \6 f/ C3 f$ r3 y
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
% `: A. R- B+ S6 F) K  X5 X' o5 H! |  }: u
+ r: {/ v4 N! h9 K
His hello is the end of her endings$ H9 L6 o0 H/ z, w: P$ x6 V* e
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle8 l7 ?" o  M, r  p- ~, r
His hand would be hers to hold forever5 r' X' M  L3 a& q# z. H% d
His forever is simply as her smile 5 p& e  i3 Y, J+ H
He said she was what was missing
; t" Q0 F3 M) ]4 DShe said instantly she knew' Z! M+ `7 P, K
She was a question to be answered
0 C& k8 P/ c& N2 a  W8 FAnd his answer is
; T6 o/ H" G" l+ H& K/ ?" F5 U/ yI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
0 }& ~1 c! r8 z! k2 C6 S
2 z! ], U( E% Z# i4 N$ wIt's amazing how I felt 3 g" P$ W: M4 R; h
when I was with you# a) o+ {& l6 [5 I) b/ V2 r! f% x
My heart beat so fast
2 L$ M. V- ~6 m7 E) e' e. QI looked at you and thought* w4 v6 h# R; h/ ~  {  ^. ~
Holy Jesus, you were so cute% S$ w' E/ J, C# c  K. L

: [% I% U/ u4 p( DYou left me without a word
/ e; [/ z/ K+ z( G8 c; zI have nothing except my emptiness
9 w+ Q0 v2 h' w' f$ wMy mood is like a cloud0 y$ T: q+ t# l6 ~$ r0 s
How could it be dispersed?
+ j6 t! a4 Y  h
4 Z' W# f; L! I( D# VFeelings bite my heart
2 {1 |; h8 z& p2 j5 p. f: l. uYou are the right one I wait6 H7 k, ]) z" k& B
In the depth of my soul1 d/ o+ W9 m5 z. A
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美- F8 f& }# w' ^' U, x
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道& U0 J' V# D% l3 S5 u
就和用中文写一次
, w- x" U! R- @) C9 b1 I阿,我爱你
! h, D- w8 N' ^' v9 D( E你让我心跳好快2 [; j# P. t5 u, U, D1 c
你让我脸发热5 A" b* N( V6 s6 {$ \
我爱上你的大嘴唇' p+ I* C: O# J" k8 D6 {
XXXXX
+ E4 L$ r2 I: J' |# J不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?# B) X$ m" L/ }+ i/ Y

* L! L$ V! y* m% X1 J9 a如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
' a& u5 T3 @3 ~( [9 c至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
3 K# Q: l/ }( Y+ d# {0 t闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 d* r0 ^& f% o/ Q/ {. r7 S
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 C) k3 {: `1 A$ ^! f就和用中文写一次6 ]( `7 u0 O& q1 M
阿,我爱你
  H6 }! T6 h9 P% C: w* i* J1 e+ ~你让我心跳好快
8 x) \2 W/ M' {你让我脸发热
8 V9 }$ L/ t# `. g2 t" r' d我爱上你的大嘴唇; T' X0 ^* H& U4 J- n1 B3 X
XXXXX; x) Q6 F" m& R" J( W; O. j# t
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

$ U- k2 p! l7 ?0 i' C- B  N; \, ?0 e# s% t* P
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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