埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5358|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
* n! b4 [8 T2 T& Q/ f8 T7 T8 b' b
I fell in love with you
7 V& s" M) |( p7 r3 f$ _" CAt the first week we met  G" R7 T' R6 z" o7 N8 ~

: p7 ^* `4 f0 d5 A4 [9 f( dYou have charm, you have looks
1 p$ b0 J( D) j& v& |with full of pimples in face
6 ~$ y3 O+ k- ]+ @! e1 _. a/ a! dAs spotting sky at a summer night
5 e/ a! [' T& p- D! m' _+ b1 @They are shining stars
! r3 V/ H; k* w7 J( G/ l9 R7 v
" v; U/ f1 v4 N3 FYour lip is so big, l7 [; d) X+ y; ]9 W" n
And that’s good for a kiss
5 L  D+ z3 B. G! e6 I* CYour body is chubby
5 K9 B% g7 ?, S# v3 tAnd that is good for sex
/ o- B3 L5 N* u( }. m) G+ V3 [. }# \% z$ l: P
I was deeply in love! F2 L# M" D3 @% X4 V% e
Everything from you is positive* |: \7 g* r7 Y# W6 r% k2 u# N
You blame me everything and everyday
. ?; _5 e9 i$ s$ zAnd I think all girls sound like
  M0 g: a; F4 I+ |
8 G' }6 f$ l& u  w* H! }( PYou could not stand my eating
, o4 N4 M1 {0 X; ~3 T- O. C: ^  XSaying no good for making funny sound
, l  |2 R2 J$ X" o4 c) L- A9 qI think you are perfectly right
6 {; p( L2 \6 H8 N# b2 L  S! ?Eating with sound is a pig
1 S9 h9 h. w" N" `# U& |$ N" v( e  p
I fell in love with you . A  Q+ a: b3 \/ \% E9 y, `) s8 N
Become a fool to think0 u2 R5 M) X* A, `) A' q5 m) d
All trouble things you did$ G1 ?3 S! d3 `& t/ ]" s
And that is the price for love3 ?6 J' M1 N! a, z
) {8 n% P* B  n, x
you are deeply in love
+ }: U# e+ y( P; M; Y  d- c2 ?Everything from me is negative
5 e. f( u. `7 v& @4 o$ ^/ H; u* g"My man should be like this,
$ Q2 ~4 p7 i( Kand I am helping you to improve'8 A9 L/ E2 g  u; f
* Z6 M: C7 G" x0 Z. w% J4 F: n
You are loving me
" G. M8 y! f5 }5 E& I3 nor that one in your mind?/ h& z( [  x; T, k5 h
My mind is like a mud
' c! e7 C1 {! c, N, ccan be shaped whatever you want
; [: f( L! L6 G' f. u! v" o/ q% e" A( k: G/ _7 R
unfortunalety not my heart5 C3 g+ Y8 Z3 W! T4 [% o. v- U$ f  e9 a
It is slashed by you
! C. l3 g5 p$ x7 tand I am seriously hurt  \# @. ~+ D$ x, k5 M

5 l$ n4 X. G* I+ G( I) K& O; YI will never love another ( @! E- R* c# P% G1 ~
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 & i8 `/ @/ p7 y9 M! D
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! [" D- }7 f" O0 G1 G
- N7 f4 G6 {4 `+ E. C咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!# p2 A7 J9 k& N$ ^6 r
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 2 [7 c0 X2 O" ]9 f+ j9 X
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
2 c0 h1 o' U: r: B) m; gAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
8 s( r, Y, C: b5 H" K& {% l' U5 p/ }' A$ R+ z9 p: {% j/ F
with the charm,- ^- }2 k; T- L, w) ?" N& p
with the simles.2 r. Y0 F, D1 R1 B6 j$ Y
I fell in love with you * X& D! l  G) a$ f
In the first sign.- Q0 g2 b% _, \  {7 ~0 m6 h- E
As spotting sky at a summer ( m9 a6 o' V  E) @  h+ r+ m

8 f* Z$ J7 Y( N$ K8 k) X4 O3 B. KYour lip is so soft + y" H. j& x# {* x* k4 Y3 l) `
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ Q  Q( \* w. d  `' K! D! [% uYour body is so sexy
1 V% s! l, t/ SAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
- l3 l& Y+ U) ^3 K
& b% x1 t" ]# j! e4 k! Q& S; LI am deeply in love
! Z' S- s+ ]; w1 {" E/ q+ u; TEverything from you is so charming* F" Z# \# A, z0 c# |2 G3 \
although You r so picky for me
4 M' @2 I: v1 w4 I$ T" A( G& N: y8 NAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
" I, t$ C; r# RBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
9 e& V0 [- a9 d& X3 P; G8 F
: R& y2 W4 R2 ]! x* c* _
5 n- p( ~, o4 f7 X' tHis hello is the end of her endings$ v9 n0 T" s! N1 J  P1 t3 ^
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle' Z0 y* h1 C$ Q
His hand would be hers to hold forever% n( r# L0 g5 c) D) S
His forever is simply as her smile
% r& E" d3 s, t& T# W8 NHe said she was what was missing& b1 j4 T8 s/ l6 ~! S
She said instantly she knew- _; Z. J0 b, r6 @
She was a question to be answered4 o% b: B6 R- K6 K) G, U
And his answer is
1 h: R5 v0 H  ?! T# v6 s/ vI do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas/ n5 ~; V: W3 e, \6 S
) l, `2 K, u1 h! D- d3 `' r
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ k+ O" H3 ?$ [/ k+ L4 S5 I8 a6 B( f0 ?2 z, ]
It's amazing how I felt
3 ?; V. B# z4 N3 zwhen I was with you
7 H$ g: i) e/ u1 ^% B* CMy heart beat so fast
3 \. o) q; L3 V, R# P; zI looked at you and thought
4 ]9 a& v! L3 WHoly Jesus, you were so cute
* c5 Z6 K# I6 R0 A0 e% |# w2 {4 l# ]3 j2 T1 a% P0 ^( d( N) d
You left me without a word7 K$ i& [/ i1 W
I have nothing except my emptiness
. [  }$ e+ D" RMy mood is like a cloud1 R/ j+ M1 O' o1 o7 t1 O* n
How could it be dispersed?
. P: s- H' v$ f; n4 z4 t8 `9 {9 n. [: c
Feelings bite my heart ( f# d* H# u  O! T
You are the right one I wait
4 K: d# ]8 T  D. Y+ [- W* @In the depth of my soul4 ~3 T6 G4 f1 D9 z: Z8 f- {( d
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" u7 M* }* t' t. T1 z6 s
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ n+ T7 x) l) B+ ^. j) ]就和用中文写一次( B- o! |) a* w
阿,我爱你
4 I5 A( {0 Q5 I, x* a. O9 K6 S你让我心跳好快
% F/ ]" Z: m! V4 [+ q你让我脸发热
- K9 x9 I+ Q- w, W) }" Q+ D* R我爱上你的大嘴唇" f) N3 p/ D% R/ I! s1 b
XXXXX
$ s! j4 Q8 z3 A7 ^- M6 P不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
( w% O9 H  T2 q+ j/ |3 ]. O) S7 ]4 S, G8 x: E' A9 b7 b6 h
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER3 S0 b; F+ o6 _
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
* U  f+ N& H6 Q, F+ d9 f闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 [" E7 C( x! Z( h7 q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* I/ y2 o$ l: c5 _; Q4 o/ K4 j就和用中文写一次3 Y- E+ S4 m  I; g: M
阿,我爱你2 S' b1 Q9 k* r, s% z
你让我心跳好快
  t7 a2 s" G% J7 L- i5 r$ t+ b你让我脸发热! d2 A  ]/ N# E# Y
我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ I% [3 F- _. L/ N5 aXXXXX6 ?6 q$ a) t+ D* K- Q9 m
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

: B6 g4 O4 J$ @8 U9 u+ ]. i0 J, F0 ]) s! `
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
5 Y' `7 d! G" V- h1 x
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-6-17 11:34 , Processed in 0.315334 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表