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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,( [: z# k/ K6 N6 v1 B% F0 t0 C4 [8 ~
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
# d- |  l5 t9 v0 C. `零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
( c2 f  E. H6 C% c% @1 {现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.! z, V4 C; Z$ `: B) Y
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.  n, l. [0 y+ x' s% ]! S6 I7 ~
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
; _6 P0 x( o) ~" Q夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
. T5 B8 `5 }3 l, E猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.& p7 ?: r4 u* p
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.' G" h- o5 F  x6 z* z5 G2 M
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' ]2 r+ h/ B8 Q: s
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。2 s9 M5 e" L/ U1 V9 b
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.) s2 l1 Z/ c! Z( l# a% n9 P
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.- ]0 U. V5 D/ U- @; F4 V; q
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up./ v5 f% C) n- a. @; g; h- ]
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
3 W+ C$ L& O# [: B# t5 M  D6 N; i; m寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?2 o: ]# b: W) |0 J2 x
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
5 y# q: ?: f6 ?& e, `2 \迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
8 n  o+ L) K0 l- U. I0 j最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, `0 t. U# u+ x, R多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?7 R) P; f) N6 k+ o4 _
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
% }7 A& y1 p# W2 R多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously/ w: e9 c& ?- a/ t
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
4 Q% O) I% ]  f* B' W! X6 X多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
& N) t0 P& k( j3 T. Z! n为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
) L* t) S- U/ W& a4 H- M$ }% i& e% n多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!1 H3 \9 |, [0 k0 C  B9 G
永难平息的泪- l) O/ F% ^. [' b* s/ N
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes3 _; |! K# |. G6 U, k4 V
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
8 N! q* d0 n& K7 p8 _( G当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.4 }" S$ z. W- A
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,# U- ]  u- q8 {: g
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
7 x( h1 T4 H% Z: O一抹微笑;0 `) k+ s/ @' ^/ x8 X; F* X
一个手势;
: g* u0 I3 R- n6 }# q一片话语,$ {$ ~( n$ [! M
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、( B5 N' T' ]/ a& ^  ]' `
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
- m, v+ q7 n% [2 A! C心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
' f) g! t$ H- Q这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling* |7 i0 k7 P7 G
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..- U2 N& m5 f( B/ v4 {% |7 j; d; |
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
( x# [! A' G; U9 n8 _我并不以为然。
$ u- y9 K1 p1 U+ U可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed   J* O/ P. D% H7 Z- H$ O* q1 n
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
% ^; c; [9 A- F) B* U被一种情绪所左右,4 P) z5 W$ t( f# O  _) \9 v, S. H4 j: e9 d; K
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
0 f# I/ R; o/ j) E- t, @即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
; F, V* ?9 X4 Q2 G6 \也不问我是否喜欢你,& r6 u' Y" Y( J: ~8 v1 P
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.9 m9 c8 E- ?: e6 {. c. K5 K
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
) Z8 v% I5 w* m5 S3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
8 X1 H5 y( b4 y9 P心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil% f% C+ R0 y* K# f1 O; N
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
6 k3 S# _4 ]4 W& H你的身影已化成一种氛围,1 ~9 W) E6 T! Y4 K5 ?
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
# h. B( z% \+ h6 b4 O  x& i& Z) ^" ~0 F! B你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! * e. a5 r7 N0 f/ J2 Q1 Z1 N
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字( Y; R" J+ W2 c9 C
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,2 l1 x% }0 E$ }/ e9 h; n& U
一种声音,and your voice
) U+ Z, d& Y2 C) |; \7 s也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.& W1 B* M+ |; P+ e
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
( j. R8 k7 N% N1 H与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land' U# b& g7 c* x( ^1 t9 t
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
: A; B( K9 C  W倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.3 ^) p/ f2 i5 }" }' L
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。# P3 I7 @& a1 b, g: n2 t
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss  H) E0 d' y9 [  G8 l; x1 z3 F
有一个能够让思念的人,9 N8 @! m8 d: ~
其实也是一种幸福。
0 A  m  I4 A  K; P% x尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ) ^$ L2 W' ]  \% y  }  p% i. X1 x& q
柔柔的海风,3 l- ?9 N. J4 J% n
甜甜的夏天。1 x, T, m2 L' h( N8 H3 J5 e# C
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 4 |+ ?# R- j* O5 n$ M5 r# D
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
1 {8 F  i- w4 p仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
/ h+ N0 Q) ]0 e& S4 T# j. F" C想和你有共同的情结,
7 M9 d3 @1 h  y& r: ]# R共同的心愿。
7 _: J. |+ ~* T: z/ j
% `3 ~7 }& O2 I" g" C7 H
1 z1 {) F0 l& t* L! y# z5 O好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you5 {$ N; J* V) z8 u
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together: ]9 i2 \1 X; G
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
% y) l% z" M2 a- C# k( x# e或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
  |2 L( C' E: w『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
* E8 t% T( z3 r$ w/ \# S我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
% [9 d  s0 o! t& v& E) d9 M+ ^9 [5 |! P浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
! ]% W3 \* t/ i/ B# \或是轻轻的一吻,4 h; v3 _5 H: G/ z! M3 I+ z
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
+ W' j8 Q8 G) e, x3 M  s就足够了. That is enough.& o' g  z- M$ c  r) O+ E
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
+ t% `# T. l) J0 @7 g8 G+ N& ?终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
% P& k" f0 v5 }+ y, H0 M" D7 Z萌出了芽,' x' J3 v4 I* r" h# w
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing3 z5 j9 l4 J3 w) Y
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
+ \0 I0 H% w1 f% K0 ]. D1 J3 R如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand( `4 _# T4 D- r+ E
能够牵著你的手,; O( {7 A/ M6 j5 X& G4 w/ F
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.( X/ s% A* q# f# P
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
% S. t/ y% ^% X: M% H1 S& d慢慢地细读,. x, `" r9 b% q7 O$ q4 p
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; j; y6 `. ?! m' D
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 1 b* T( f" M. g: I2 z, c, C: j
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ( D) g* [' q3 q  p2 D) a
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
6 [( B0 `* R/ v) w现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago# H1 H6 k0 x2 D% }7 y
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
: e: i* ~, g1 r. P- [, Z% e* w: kchange to:lacked1 i  _& ?+ z4 r9 a1 o0 p1 D0 @
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.3 ?+ f* b. L3 Z- m
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
& [  i/ B! X* T0 i  t, d/ O 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
& e+ [4 X) P' [1 H3 C9 s7 [: S改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.6 a7 d$ n$ f4 G( r' Y' Z8 l
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; t& n( S. a7 [- Q该为:throughyour hands.
5 [% @& D% {4 {' _2 R3 v* D还没检查完,下一次再改.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。+ E  p; T  g  c1 w4 P* K
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。8 u: V9 ]# W* N: U$ G  J; J- F
至少比我强。
' ~8 l" g3 M8 |偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
: }$ m) k. U9 q; U  R* D! E7 {4 P9 _/ A/ h( n, |0 @
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。5 e  r' C" M1 K
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
  [4 K3 f. e* w7 S谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.8 n7 ^0 E# R2 L9 d0 [. r8 F
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:. U7 B3 D2 @4 b$ C0 Q2 H
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
" h! |% \' M3 A  c" {Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.. c* w' y  \* f& x8 u; z* i
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
1 v% h; |* m- Y" b, [, hThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking." p  @) H' X* i, o) L
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.: l; r& e. @' C" e3 O
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:" y5 T* ~# e! h2 |2 H. G. k
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
8 r6 s' r. @8 W# }like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.2 x8 D1 C5 S8 T* I
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.! d/ t4 E7 q; c
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
+ m/ V0 M7 i# `+ ^4 U4 ^That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
4 X7 R2 ]1 h. X6 y2 P. Z, xI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up., _! _) T% e1 J! M/ ^, }2 J+ m0 D
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
2 t0 V1 D; i) Z2 `# L. a( VIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?; |, q  i) y+ d+ |: r# O- m" L. {
Intoxicated then feel cold,
" j& i2 `  B, ?2 nthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
6 R: P$ Z* J, W7 K5 l* CI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.: Y! m  }/ x4 R5 U3 m4 }7 ?- M
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?! J8 `+ G2 v7 _( U
Why I am always hoodwinked!
8 k+ ?, S, Y- M. bI have told myself many times cautiously ' ?* F% P# L/ D# V+ r
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
; n! `  F! b& `. IThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
! B+ e  e/ |  j: FWhy can`t I take it easy?. \  M+ Z# s+ g4 [5 w
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
; `# R' P5 j$ X) nWhen the quiet night comes$ g0 Z4 V% z; i) a
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
$ d9 r% q* h  |6 q- A$ h$ VThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
& o: T* N% s6 b% w5 qYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,2 b8 A. @% `- {* T  P
light the dark corner in my mind.) R$ M! P* w* X
I feel a bit of cozy.! h" ]2 T( K: P! z) R5 r
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
4 d4 K* Z5 J0 u- R  \4 E3 K+ bmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.7 M. S, {6 Z3 C3 G8 e' [
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  g1 V0 s6 h# z3 y1 o
but accompanying with the time passed& S/ Z0 r, j! ]- G" b1 o
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,: \% a( [* }, V$ `; O
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
- }) |, a% V9 SWithout asking if you like me or if I like you) w& `. a0 J: f  x- |$ F0 Z
only feel gracious for your existing,5 E  l$ s& [* g/ y
onlt want to do something for you.
' j3 R' U) P/ V" p: f/ m' CEvery time when you meet me
4 a8 A, b: \6 b' f  qthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,3 Y3 `# B  d5 b7 T0 m
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere2 Q* z3 N# a% T: \7 Y6 N
That live in my heart.
1 S& K+ P1 A) j. |: SDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
, W8 Q' f- s7 f, ^" F$ nEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice$ L, M! c1 a! Q+ d5 M  N  T
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.* S3 T% W5 i( e3 T* ~7 Q
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
8 H: m9 j& \4 C, z* ksuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.6 {! }- U  n" c% J4 g+ O" H
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,, D) h, F: g- X/ e' w1 @  P; j: E
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.( z+ q% }8 \+ Y
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 G' E) v1 R, V! `only waiting for you quietly
' f% e" |7 E. L* Zjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.' v3 ^2 K0 e- N9 ]
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 {% L; o. K& N& }and enjoy the rain washing together' Z' M. `- P+ J
or rush to a film
' m- {/ K5 j6 A7 A/ ?; ^or listen to a music quietly./ X! M) r/ N( |! ]1 L$ d$ ?
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?: z. G2 m  O$ F! A
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
. H& W$ }' ~# u  N0 d( Fsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
; F; N) t: ?: Q) x7 k# {: X/ y8 fThat is enough.
& \+ r  e4 i: s6 B* y( r1 E0 OMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,: x" H6 H- T+ N9 S
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
& h1 `) s; s4 H. athe same as my missing.  P# ]: m+ G& {0 o
It comes a little bit of verdure.3 D/ R6 b: w* ~( L2 U
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
6 H/ Z2 A. `) p3 Lthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.6 a! b9 @9 y5 ]% {! P
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.  o/ v0 y: A6 t2 ^6 ~6 A) l. Z
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
  Y4 j. m0 x7 n% G' C& Z* f7 YAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
+ i9 t3 H3 e3 a( T4 v% x: q5 K7 [then I will have all care and ardor.$ K4 n0 Z  l6 D; ]( ^2 X9 d
Shall we walk arm in arm?7 x1 l  u! W6 Q
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% M3 m; k7 M  w1 @0 U7 qLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
5 g2 D1 w/ W  C; S3 B$ FI am still the same person of yesterday.
8 L% i& r% ~- m& B3 UUnchanged name, unchanged I.$ ^* m9 `$ Q- }0 S% h$ s9 A. n
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
, G1 t, ~; m5 VLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.6 c- t( [* p/ d( Y
More or less,
) y3 d" C/ P; E. S a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.1 }% D( E  a" p$ Y
! O5 V7 E+ I, F- X) Y
Summer easily slips away: r& z4 H0 y1 W) r3 [
Those long lost hot nights+ Y: }- S9 M" j7 e  B$ x# J
can only be found in the old days.
3 ]6 a4 a) m! ?- u) }- v! r; c: m$ q9 L! t1 q" n
Cats jumping over the window sills,
/ j8 S8 i( ], Y/ K# h; {chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . Y( j4 E  B3 v9 V* @5 o
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ c% K) J% I* R& U* s: [
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.  |+ s% ^' C- j5 ~8 Y
I am still the same person of yesterday." F  A4 ^0 S; w. ~. |8 k$ R
Unchanged name, unchange ...

7 n% q% w7 @# l! J
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 / r" K6 [1 Z/ W
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.' ], W5 |: A. H. {8 [8 d6 ]$ N
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! j* [% W2 ~8 [' Z9 h8 ^
I am still the same person of yesterday.
- d; Z0 G% P- L* MUnchanged name, unchange ...
+ J8 \- ~8 C$ @7 S& G% n
i like it.
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