WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
" E) M6 l: |( M' m# E
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
7 W0 q' o* [1 Y+ Jweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
7 k) J5 x! G! p5 ~  @6 `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
0 a7 k7 g3 u( J) O# h1 Gnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
; p& z' i* B6 M- T. pinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

* Y* {4 V( E' N% K  Z0 bMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
6 j0 M* [( @$ j4 P7 X8 Tencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
9 j& [' n" F% Z% s& R- A; |
! J" M, `- Z" m) A+ j) q+ x( C3 ]Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
6 n; w' z$ i3 {  heyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
* |& }! _5 P; Q6 u: cthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
( x3 R. r) L1 M  q3 Twhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
" J# J+ G) }9 ^( y5 Z) Y
7 ?$ M" H( o( _8 I+ q% S$ AVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
/ f( a+ W; z% W2 c  f; q, T4 walthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

9 a1 `. g' r" P, }- pThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
9 x7 C. ]* S6 k& B8 P! X( ~9 kI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
5 _0 a+ z) Z+ P# vand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
% b# c6 c5 M" q6 y) Ball worthwhile.

2 {% J/ E) A) tI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
9 B+ i% R- R0 H6 B( V& F
! E3 \) r8 p& {$ z- f& ZWEDNESDAY:
* {2 Y4 O9 v2 d4 @# `/ A# c3 A3 RThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
" H0 m& z8 A2 E* {5 `  i6 v3 Da hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
/ `/ e5 D$ ~2 u& j9 k5 ^2 u, {) Gbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
, B$ @( c: E" F" ~) f) K' mearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
, T* @# R3 h5 s2 r% ?) lthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
1 o- p/ [! p, W4 rBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
- C* w0 z2 F5 m8 Y9 L. |told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

; d) r+ P8 @, ~+ v( c/ [4 ETHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
5 Z& g9 y- J5 n  f/ ~/ ^her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
# {% }0 l( R4 F1 j0 sbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
2 A2 ]$ ?( _) S  W. ]5 g4 Ohid in the men's room.
7 H- c' S: `: s! V. r% u. E
' D" K! ]( ?+ U) oShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
" H% [( z  M% T. |7 k- Smachine -- which I sank.
7 ^  }' w# T( N# S! \1 q
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
# T( L1 a& S3 qany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

% x- J; t' ~  s6 j# ZAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
4 G) S7 \3 C9 ?3 N( K3 T) ~$ i  F6 U! {
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
8 J  I7 v2 l. Xor the choir director?
6 Q$ I7 P4 }" u7 q
SATURDAY:
9 o9 \1 N" ^0 \9 I& @Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& ]' b+ ~5 R- ehours of the Weather Channel.
; L0 p" e8 u2 B* j! w3 i7 T7 a+ }
) E! K6 y7 Q0 W( g, ~3 f* GSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.