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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
1 }( f" n! e& Q5 l2 H/ Q2 nwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get5 p4 v" A; A/ o+ I* w
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:) J5 Y8 J' e; x7 m5 Z
8 k2 V8 U) W9 j. AFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
; q2 W- a ~9 v/ A" H6 G, z* F/ bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
6 z& u: `& k$ a6 _4 o6 xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
/ D* }5 M2 Q$ Y4 w3 syears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a! f2 v6 P7 Q5 P' B6 K8 q; M& c
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer4 K. p9 s9 \' p, D
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
, o& F0 N! @. a- h9 G$ }: b0 j. \instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club" n Y% r1 N l* s! w3 S6 D8 }
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.2 k- E8 q J3 v
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MONDAY: v0 t( j7 E& j$ R; X" O- e, c
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
+ L4 T" \4 q" V6 B/ A6 L5 |+ pworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for- X: L) }- Z2 g' N
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing, E; X0 {& O8 y+ K2 A
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed3 ~) m9 K% E' ]
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her3 n8 t7 i3 }9 h5 `' D
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
, f2 {0 j; a- b. |" E2 v) t% {! H4 Twhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.5 j4 `3 x$ N0 c7 b
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,) A$ p' @1 M4 U2 q5 O/ J( L" ]1 R
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
2 t0 C9 `4 x) k; o# l g3 uwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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6 U' O4 W6 \+ p( {( STUESDAY:6 q; _- |# R+ y' f: A- w
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
9 A; P6 B# [! D: XBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,+ o( \+ f+ Y# l* n
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
4 p* ~0 C; b0 jtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
# j- m# S, I( U& c) Oall worthwhile.
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7 f# @) R5 f1 Z6 r/ k" n, YI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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$ L5 N' m& ], S: j( [* K/ Z! s! DWEDNESDAY:; I2 z. {4 l) Z
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
9 ^) L# K2 Y3 r* Y5 ]. v( Jthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have6 H8 Y4 ?& e6 t& W
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
( A0 {1 a. S& G% D( [steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
; F1 W% v D; ?8 sbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for7 I4 f# j5 m# g% _& P8 l: a
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
8 ?- M1 p' b6 v" b! Xthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
7 Z. [ ~# u. \3 e# S7 r. OBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
: {& t* o: B4 b2 H } ~. `machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda( Q/ A& L# X) @- R( [0 J9 g4 ^$ y3 R* l
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.# C8 L5 [7 \0 [
, p7 H: u* Z5 k; }! ]She said some other shit too.# X) M6 H; Y% T1 M! ^, y! L0 X
- T7 \; q6 B2 |THURSDAY:
; ?1 R1 i- ^& P r% D5 v- PBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; H* v1 r$ o4 m7 Lher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
" }* J W0 F& }7 ~; a. J; b+ ?being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
* H- K% k( g& V; ~# utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
. t# ]7 O1 X! zhid in the men's room.
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2 `4 s6 m. o% UShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
- b! A: h- X6 E- J1 G" c5 |machine -- which I sank.1 D. {8 p0 `, n. n( ?1 y& x. x# y
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FRIDAY:( f2 I3 f2 }7 e7 |+ {
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
- s$ e( o1 q# H/ [+ Vany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
# s" R! ` a* m" C# Uanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
' |% f/ L$ f' H0 x& ?3 z/ ccould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda% L9 B( {7 D; t* s
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!+ g1 s1 c, O f! z7 c
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me* S! A5 A) D6 K; _# M- w
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.$ O P0 N; S% Z; s$ h
, l/ [( Y9 p# w$ g V' H* aThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition/ f/ f$ e$ g0 j- G
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach- b& |3 W2 `8 t
or the choir director?
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) }+ X& C5 T( a6 FSATURDAY:, `( k* g7 ~8 f' P! L% G
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,7 g, q5 H E9 I0 O3 {
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her% w: |' |' r `! ~0 x E: r' [3 ?! e
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
f* O2 e: O& H' pstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
7 b; ^' O3 X% W" [hours of the Weather Channel." `9 I- P+ d1 ?9 a2 v/ z: X( `
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SUNDAY:
1 L; P; s6 \6 d3 Q$ KI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 T K" b# z$ S) d% ?3 j& wand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
& P- e9 ?. s# ~1 E! W2 ?my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like" }4 z) B8 _/ c! J
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
