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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something, K% q! I5 P& Y! s1 {+ S# n6 n7 o
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 D, S+ F3 C, ]6 I! M+ M- H
into a regular workout routine. y" E! g" t& |3 i5 y- i; w( G
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a) T$ X# p: s) v4 C0 d$ r% k( G1 W
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
' \* V# ~6 D) B" A! `6 _am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25) r! X9 Q* g; f7 t! y. I& P& u* t
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
. |/ U, A5 g8 x5 s, v! f+ Btry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
7 U% @4 F% X" O: W$ H7 U& fnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
' r7 |4 [2 L x& a1 I& ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
6 R& V! L5 Y; @0 U% l" k! S
0 F% G8 `9 t& z8 hMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club4 k* _/ z0 d6 p2 F8 J2 h" c
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.. k5 d' v* s$ [/ ~+ J/ N# ~6 g6 f
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MONDAY:+ M p2 F/ W# a7 e- g) _( L) g
( R5 p( m! P7 G2 _. S% ^& [8 iStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
3 |4 l; r2 t, |* z7 {& Eworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
. p* p, E+ v! z) _4 tme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing6 P# k7 Q. e# b$ ?
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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1 A1 T0 G: g' y/ tShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
+ u5 p9 V0 Y4 ]1 _, Bthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
& \3 a- F% \, J0 S9 Nin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in# ]% q/ ?7 ~3 P% T( v: |( C/ Z
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,, s/ P, `. c5 m9 H! o3 N
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she4 a# W! t: M' b2 J; F2 z
was around.% t% i% g" z) u& J
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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7 ^7 U. l) A% d) d1 p3 mTUESDAY:
# @7 k; R; Q7 nI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.) n3 R/ X8 B" `/ z7 l
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
0 Y5 b6 Z4 v( }) J W% t: Fand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
+ G4 A; q1 y; O& Y% G+ ?$ ^treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 N, C' L7 t3 `: X- Y* j; Kall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.# @( }+ B- x: c) }. A) _( ?
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WEDNESDAY:# P2 y7 d# Q* ?
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
; y5 }( r' H$ d1 r" H2 E# Bthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
3 w7 Q" {) Q. ]0 z+ }+ a! w Y5 qa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to9 w4 V' }1 z& z( |
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams6 J$ P5 X1 |( H: Z& x$ A
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
: [2 _' S6 Q1 ~9 iearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine8 T* z' T" I* v6 h
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; L% C9 D4 z. W9 t+ s% S2 V- U& p' dBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a1 ]5 O4 J! ] S, O9 l0 D" s
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 j5 q h) ?% \ x; Atold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.* t2 U( d" c! M' T( n! F
+ w3 z0 K2 j$ U! T3 p
She said some other shit too., q7 d! p: _& f$ [5 m
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THURSDAY:
/ w" |6 {( S0 B% \/ fBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as$ w9 v$ D( q/ a0 j; i
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
6 _: R. u' c7 K, _! g; abeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
- ^0 a5 y: e- [5 O$ _took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and5 ~; j/ Q# a# }3 {; @
hid in the men's room.
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, i8 x- M# m4 ?9 U8 q. zShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
, x0 c' H3 o: X" J4 ~$ b7 Zmachine -- which I sank.* V i9 c# k& T. Q# {
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FRIDAY:
3 j% ^/ Z- x9 u/ i! P5 U# oI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated& j$ z" N( u5 z [$ ^) O( v. ^) d7 j
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,7 P# Y7 r9 G9 Z+ Y; r2 f" l2 Z. l: R
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
8 ^, r9 \1 V7 W) l4 D/ k9 H) Y# Ocould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda W- w: `/ `, Y2 q) s
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!" S) u. `5 I! n a. H
! a W" |3 B/ Q7 E# D1 ], EAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me5 N- m8 x$ J# j w, E
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition5 S; k7 d$ P& `# h, P* N( f
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach j. v+ G$ r5 D# F5 E, E
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:7 l. C+ W3 G, }( [
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
8 T! J4 k ~- h+ Rshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her9 B$ [* z2 m; R$ O2 v- W
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ F2 ]6 F% l% `strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight2 B: N, p- ]2 }2 s4 Z, D
hours of the Weather Channel.
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9 { j; {/ c0 m* HSUNDAY:
( P1 U B7 k" sI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
\7 ^1 J! l, {) rand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
4 }9 t# W0 S( Jmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
$ J8 h: ]2 @' t5 ?) g' ua root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
