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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something4 Z2 B0 e0 p3 O
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
; s! K( c H% W. m) G+ binto a regular workout routine.
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# G. X* X- q9 S& D. \3 S4 cDear Diary:" b# @2 Z& a# o: b9 _' W
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a% H7 M; I8 I/ T; ^! E4 k
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I+ L: u! \1 B0 V5 }1 d& a
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
; m; g8 N7 z& x1 |years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
+ q+ v, s B5 U& j8 P5 Ptry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer) ^: y8 w1 @# R) F: y, R
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics' J+ d# b/ b. e+ Y" Q; K
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.% z: @% X9 D- i, k* S
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
* e" p' Q1 X3 _- c3 w$ x3 }encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.& b1 T$ T+ X# |+ U0 O2 Y
8 q# ~; \3 l% J) @MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
, b4 U; ~( a- l7 n# o/ Vworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
9 u% p7 k! }$ Z& a* H; Xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing* r% K5 G+ v$ ~
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!& p0 s4 Q8 Q0 @4 D# ~ E+ i
, P" Z! Z: K4 }She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
; t) C; M# [2 j* r3 Z; kthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
! S) B, q4 c7 q [6 g" O7 Lin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in4 ^* l5 k5 n; ~! u W
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,7 |3 M; V( O, ]: x* ^8 A
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she0 t7 w- W$ Z2 j( j+ l6 d
was around.! Y2 T% V! c- Y J3 e4 N( w
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!* f6 F) s) D: k; U7 V8 Q
) a7 ~: ]: i; b) |& sTUESDAY:
& f3 S8 U9 y0 }% y# xI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
" m5 ~( ^8 l( d' w- ABelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
+ K5 T+ @4 ^& E8 X8 h; ?and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the' j% s% q, r" E$ X
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it( j9 o5 ~: M7 x9 V+ y
all worthwhile.7 X. t5 _& n( s. E7 a" |& P
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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& x+ _2 F! c5 g9 c' n- E" ~# ~WEDNESDAY:( ^" i9 K$ H' W. ^( s8 n- \7 ^% X( s. ]# a
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
9 v5 h1 Z7 m6 Z6 l1 wthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
0 t2 `8 [$ m' \" r- q, Ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
. O5 D$ D& `8 M- }! tsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams1 \' r& }3 t! `- `# V Y
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for" E) x, U% |, I
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine1 A8 ~& ^" s* f* j
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so M2 S9 P- j! ?( U. e
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
0 p2 i' O8 }1 Gmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda! W2 m: E8 E8 \' r5 D, u
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.) L$ U. j0 r' ^' _ ?" d; q
9 e' y' p) C% YShe said some other shit too.: Z5 {- [2 S* j) c, K3 U, G
2 w/ U5 A1 {, [5 R& L. D* f5 z5 oTHURSDAY:
) S, M* r( h( B: a0 C+ cBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
) Y( ~4 w: J1 F1 Z4 l& p" N* oher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
. ]+ l8 R* L- b; tbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; F$ E) B( [; vtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
# n1 |' G! ?8 }7 Uhid in the men's room.! H5 B% i8 n& W- Q' n
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
; m+ S I% P6 l2 }# z* K7 j% z6 jmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
, _+ P# h z/ n. j1 lI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
* }2 r* u# K$ nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,8 T( [) A6 A! R
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
7 a+ g: D9 h( y4 G6 bcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda1 E, l2 B% o9 g- I( q4 b% p
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!' U6 i: L5 i/ e0 f6 O
& f: k% L& Q* ?$ W- ]1 x; ]And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
, T' ?6 v5 L1 g5 w$ bthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.: w* x- x% W" t8 I0 D( C/ }) X7 [
/ F5 G: E6 N% sThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition+ x4 O! R8 d6 X7 f0 c/ H2 O) v3 t$ D
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
/ I* `3 l' B9 W6 Y; Xor the choir director?/ z: t {' n P F% a+ m: _$ u6 h
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SATURDAY:
5 x; E( t1 b6 K4 J' `6 XBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,& [! D, w! s8 T
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
( ]. d! L8 w: ^4 g% G' bmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the9 B7 w( b) ]4 x0 V7 W+ w$ @
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
: J9 ] ?* A0 R% \1 g4 Ghours of the Weather Channel.
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( n( f8 c" |/ l0 H4 y/ dSUNDAY:) s C+ g3 F+ ?& s2 B
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
: `% \% g9 F0 D2 W5 v1 q' x' }and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,8 n+ P6 W. o. s* P0 P1 H
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 T2 Y( o3 Z! ~! j4 T# E
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
