WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
+ B( \% ~4 r  Q; t. ?. c! v& h
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
8 c9 B; Q& a0 Q0 cyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
! m0 D) i6 g; j! `, bnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
! ?1 S6 d1 r% d
# Y) @8 v# s6 A7 I' Y! k" A0 LMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
+ d1 a0 o/ C5 G
MONDAY:
! d- J5 M* z/ N' \2 n% p
5 ^. ^  X- r: f& H2 M9 `Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
% c9 L  j3 K$ Y7 p# X1 X: x. lworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
& f( \4 j7 p* a* ieyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
: N% b! d+ H. N  z
/ s+ M, w& `3 N4 J" O; M0 qShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
% H; g2 z; _5 \" O6 Wthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
. l; o2 n) D' a5 `* C  O" Q0 q3 Dalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
" `. J: D2 ]3 |3 J7 b, U) |) s# @was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

: j5 N+ P* o3 N  WTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 y( e8 o9 S2 s( O+ MBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
1 z2 f1 p6 O; j( C  k0 i
, T7 x7 m2 Y. Z0 B) y1 {WEDNESDAY:
' ~  ^9 V$ a, L3 N% ~The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
, c0 w: c/ g% M9 ~% k, c7 X2 othe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
9 n7 U- [+ f! P4 [Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
1 W8 p" ]4 w2 r4 _
THURSDAY:
0 p% K8 X- T# U* S% h$ IBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 h* b1 @: ~" W, |9 a% L$ F$ wher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
5 _* _" j) S6 {4 [: C8 \being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

1 _, Y/ r6 z& C  VShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! T* }5 c* |5 i% I9 S% ?machine -- which I sank.
' S3 G  X2 \+ f
% g, I# p" q5 G/ A; {1 K: b; rFRIDAY:
; v2 a6 f+ V) h7 `5 W- w- D; [I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
, y7 M# B. F* H* X! s# sanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
& c1 b/ y  h  E& a+ p; X. vcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
  t: B. |8 \6 t5 T9 M$ v) Cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
% t* h! N( d* D& T) }7 h$ Xthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
' q/ m  ?+ j: v6 Iteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
0 [: ^5 \# z  s! uor the choir director?

2 ~0 U) k& r+ \, U# n* }$ oSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
: O5 i! O' e2 |4 A; Rstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
4 _, h' c; C5 u. H- F& r9 ~4 cI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. o0 U: i7 e( @' ]' A2 T% F$ {& Fmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.