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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
% ]9 S6 l0 C2 ]0 b' V) `% G+ p3 y# E7 Cwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get5 H5 u* k; ]# [1 z4 |) U/ z: R
into a regular workout routine.
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9 k) I4 A% l. c; Z" p7 b, ]Dear Diary:% v$ U% X# `& h8 U' r2 K
0 |# g+ T+ D0 g8 D: ~$ q% {( {( ~For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a. T# W4 Z" }: y7 W
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I. @4 s5 u" T3 I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25' q% f# [% C3 u6 e/ C) T7 ~
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a, S4 M6 `3 E& T5 w
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer3 i9 }/ s R# ]/ J, e; M2 G
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics3 }2 n" F7 H/ l9 s/ u' J
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.( A) T+ o+ \4 }. \" R" s& g8 s/ N
- M* B& ]- y7 q& S+ k) EMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club# u9 Q! x8 m+ w- a8 C& ]& C1 x
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.' u7 r1 T/ ` i& q
3 k% s6 e5 {/ j$ w* n6 `# J( Y8 iMONDAY:
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% f: N, U1 B6 [, O( OStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' @6 R, y5 e: v, H) e& iworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for" y# \" g( D# C& E% R3 a* d
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
$ o0 j( g4 S4 o, V) q) S. f+ t4 ~+ ceyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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! S2 n7 K& ^2 P8 _ XShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
2 p6 M- ^! o, x, N! e& ^that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
6 ^' S1 u, ` `3 b# D# kin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in0 L W( ]) _8 f" X p) k
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,5 {$ a7 E' _& C/ W6 ^9 B0 _
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 z) L9 e( m$ W7 G0 Wwas around.' E8 M. R i- z4 W) {
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:4 f" [+ m& ^! Q9 S
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.; E, M# n& w2 v" ^
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,1 ?; v3 s" U0 e6 C
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
7 J( }; S* j% E8 N' Streadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it! M1 i% R* S" K0 Y6 G1 U
all worthwhile.# T/ X9 Y% K* ^: t
+ k$ B3 t: M7 b; Z. n/ d# [I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:+ F6 C% q( x: f" c) \8 X! x
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
( I9 Y0 @" @5 `5 H% kthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
9 V1 H( |$ _6 l& b8 b( i# ?) Ya hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to! O1 M5 k2 m6 ^( B
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams5 Q1 ^4 a7 g+ {# a
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for0 G# O% \" a5 T1 b
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
* o. |7 ~& K- t- d- D$ Jthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
1 G6 Y2 @4 z) V/ z. J' j& wBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
% z; I8 M9 i# ?, g# k! o9 Y, Tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' M& B3 I. a, n5 `7 Rtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.% j$ Y# d4 l" s5 ?/ Z: F) |; k @5 o
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THURSDAY:4 T$ f, \: s5 }6 `" P
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
2 ]" d! Z* q; Eher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 B- C9 i) q' Obeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda5 u j ^8 g2 X7 C0 w8 s. a
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and) }3 |! ~ m1 e
hid in the men's room.8 _% G' s6 J( y
: B3 i+ ^, n2 X5 A& ]9 S# fShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing7 v7 }" U M6 s5 ~9 h3 `, Z# `
machine -- which I sank.3 |! Z: O/ ?& ^/ a7 d
1 W( S, s) N6 @" KFRIDAY:
* j2 p4 ?' P( {+ D. T. D; ?I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated% N' Z3 r8 l Z9 r ?$ w
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* w) ~" }9 C; c; t1 J" r% ganemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I3 d2 t$ R2 M9 u) @, @. \
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda- t# B) i- N: e1 u
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me# Q% {9 p' J- g* Z# T+ @
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.% ?& x- q; q9 u# I0 J5 E
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition) D, g+ Q( ] O+ ]/ v
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
" d5 X1 w% P$ P7 G: I2 r Mor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:9 I8 j3 i6 v/ I0 I
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,9 V4 f- e; P2 T
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her- }5 [" q% [( K' b: p
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
: K D m& M+ R1 J3 Mstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight: F( U* h0 ?- y* }+ O; r/ g
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY: y' | L# _+ [0 b) a- r- ~4 t
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
O" E0 t/ V+ j7 Y1 b+ H, ?# zand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,. U8 |9 i. z1 {
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
8 k" _4 T4 t2 V) Ta root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
