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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
. G3 ^6 {! m9 ^, p0 O( d5 `, gwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
9 R0 [' k N4 ?( Y& Kinto a regular workout routine.- e' p7 p/ f* j, I0 g% ]
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Dear Diary:7 R9 ~- f1 r; t& Y, K4 r1 d
$ X, x6 i% |: k4 q w! B( fFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
& M2 C: O9 X/ x8 i' B1 Sweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
/ z( _7 T$ e6 Zam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25; f! J% B1 {. A
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
! v8 G `. ?' J8 U, o/ r% M" Btry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
. @0 ~& M& c B, tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics; V' Y' Q- W$ E% g5 m4 U
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.' i- U# j% _% o3 e. b; n
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club) M7 d. F9 R2 Y9 L. e) i" ~. p
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:# r# |/ _1 R$ O! F t
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
! f3 w# J/ W9 N$ Wworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
5 K4 o1 J( G5 h& R% \, vme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing+ k- D: T8 u0 K9 a0 S
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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$ p# `) B: U/ qShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
: ^# i! {7 x( h2 ~that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her; X6 n% C3 `) |. L v
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in7 K2 B9 j/ \' e. J
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. v! y4 O$ M/ i+ z! C/ \3 u
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she! V c J8 t6 z0 c
was around.7 q8 t6 {: m7 F( e
- i* A' Y* I+ w1 LThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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2 Z6 @. _2 n" {TUESDAY:- D2 o( @7 M7 S3 P
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
' n) I8 P% R8 {8 F4 OBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,, Z* j2 O& h6 M# ]+ p. [8 E
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the. b- m) m$ k( t% p
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
6 L# J6 _! A5 \( |all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.3 s$ h# C7 n* X
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WEDNESDAY:
0 `0 T2 i$ `; e% Q$ n2 ~( }9 d6 o* UThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on& \2 ^- C8 h4 w$ ^
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have {% l- Y" a7 W. H& `
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to$ G- f3 C* x) I& l' F% V
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
5 S# L1 l. B4 q* ibothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for. `" [. x6 E# T$ R' h; C4 I' n
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine) v* l4 @+ U" X9 P! R4 G
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so! O9 y, X0 l b, f# K% Q! R
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
7 s9 x: l- r- C# ^' q. D0 tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda& r+ J5 A' @$ O; u" }. I. k, [6 a
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
, Z: m$ K9 M- _: G Z! ?. F: b) ^Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
& v: c* J3 ]& o% u- fher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help4 J1 a$ i; h" B8 i# y2 W+ l
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
) U# t+ v. Q$ ?4 t1 dtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and9 Q& `- K/ q) K" C
hid in the men's room.3 o2 L; G) E* F5 ?- n @# l1 S' A
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing" s5 n: W! ]7 I$ c* W
machine -- which I sank.7 H) g8 W/ I v0 H& {) L* Q
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FRIDAY:
( _7 e1 K/ C ?I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated0 y3 o2 F N/ c H) L7 J8 x
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
9 k! N. O5 |( R2 I) O% Fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I0 V1 P% C2 @& |2 m/ _+ _/ S) D) ~
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* h) h8 n& A( J# m8 Ywanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me$ W# v2 v" ~. Q" r7 ?2 V" R
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.9 ]% r& H, ?( h( S/ ^( s4 R; w
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
( h% K( t, a' E# F) xteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach! _* c& w1 ^* b5 |1 t
or the choir director?
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3 z! { ^3 m3 X7 TSATURDAY:( U2 \8 w1 h a/ J: O# i# Z
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
' f/ `* _! r+ C. oshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her* b& K+ S& j+ ?) K& p4 G. C
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the$ ~( w! q# x- p( ~# u6 }0 W* V( J
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight3 C8 N. w6 Z( H- ?2 j
hours of the Weather Channel.- p) W( e6 P. I3 }8 A {# n
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SUNDAY:! F5 B$ D* |/ a8 F# [
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
% o9 Y X& |" b5 Qand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
, r1 v6 X+ ?3 v) O Cmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like0 g& @. `* A9 h1 _3 E2 ^
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
