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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something9 K6 H& H# Q2 x) f4 W
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
. M" H6 P" V- M9 [into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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+ Y9 s, f9 g9 D( k# _% S: SFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a% _% y+ g, s; h3 T
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
( y* |2 q9 X' v# _; E# a, o S' Lam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25+ a- m% s5 x* }' C- Z
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
+ y# e: C* h# J4 L4 Q7 H8 }try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
; [8 W6 g: b; ]# s* t- I* r3 Nnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ m6 j; D, f7 J L6 Jinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.! T$ a1 W! `8 `' K
2 d7 Y. T- o _& Q4 U4 {' |
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club: k9 f) D, [+ a
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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& g9 c' i4 q" P# u! _MONDAY:+ z" C. e! u6 ]/ R/ w
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well+ b6 z$ k6 T- E. ` `: A- ~' J
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for/ Y( { M5 J6 G6 ]. e" d/ D
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing L+ E3 V( v- X* n% L
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!" l7 p" l8 e W4 M% X6 Q
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed( `: G8 M: [% K# s; H
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
. D E! z7 V5 p4 T: p e( l% Uin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
8 ?% v: r2 Y: X( Z9 x* b! [' Pwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.( E0 c, T, F8 s ^% z7 X
+ \: _: s% p! o+ l4 cVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,* a: U0 J$ w1 y" F
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 g' Z7 z$ c+ q2 Fwas around. B& s1 i& [9 s1 ^) H
5 V) e6 x/ I. i5 OThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
3 g* P8 Y4 n& D* kI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
! G, @# T0 }+ G3 D- `Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,' M; x/ x4 [: ]8 N% V( S/ O2 d
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the( i7 S- `0 d5 x5 F7 U
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it- |- ?: ?% Q$ H9 i+ k6 [6 V& i
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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e0 h7 \9 B$ u) t4 n' C0 G& C. v, GWEDNESDAY:5 T/ m6 Y1 `/ I
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
$ C S' ?, n* {# @9 {the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ H, s" Y8 m e1 U7 L/ V" ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
! T6 q4 Z* c1 N) B bsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
; P# r: H) |+ Q+ xbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
) a; U* o! ~ wearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine! o9 \8 t& R/ i$ Q; _4 I* M
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
6 _6 v4 }. b# o5 x+ h9 LBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
4 ^0 [* G/ ~3 A! H3 w& s) Kmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
6 {" E+ q q; ptold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life./ p+ b& L, }- G6 ~5 a+ ?
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She said some other shit too.' ?7 S3 V4 l! N* `9 t2 l
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THURSDAY:
: n( a9 C# `0 EBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* h, h1 H7 `# @7 iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help& Q2 W( D S/ t' Z
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
2 J( w7 U2 B, O8 ptook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and8 T, I! V Z6 V! E J6 G3 d% L6 Z
hid in the men's room.
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- K4 M' b. L7 K2 FShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing- |1 {- G& j1 D0 z+ b
machine -- which I sank.( E; o" p; {2 b# T: P/ q$ B
1 ^, D( v6 }: q/ `0 T( q: u; cFRIDAY:
! G" D. | L% v( {7 {* ~8 e0 S+ \/ TI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) {6 \" d: v# p) r0 T% J U0 @any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,$ Y- P) y; Y# z" \) B v
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
4 H8 _9 r. Q7 t' Y! qcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ p4 }( u# }' D7 H% twanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
|6 O, i: I: o* t# h, w' mthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.9 ^& T( v1 Z6 b( `, |
4 y3 x( R0 }0 C3 D$ R# F( B
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
- N$ [4 k+ Y4 r0 Bteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach8 q8 `6 O4 v6 c& Z
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:. l! T& r; w) {& _6 G1 e
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
! a. }3 |* I4 n' g, Bshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
; h7 P; n L+ J9 S7 Q2 |$ [( Imade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
$ s* k6 H( G' a0 T; ^strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight; V: M/ g: ^: r0 J- F7 b- _
hours of the Weather Channel.% ]* N3 U0 }2 g( f
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SUNDAY:# C* t5 d1 ~. P0 {. y
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go$ y5 v9 t, @' z! K$ Q
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
& Q5 m% k2 _& D O) J; ~my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
9 A) V9 l% Q7 f8 h) Ha root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
