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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something& S c$ ?9 \' i# o$ \
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
, D8 ?3 I7 M/ o1 t2 ~9 M4 i! Uinto a regular workout routine.
( f3 b! D) p- F: l2 E! W5 X: h- n# G6 w/ _$ ]1 y
Dear Diary:- h) \5 \2 t$ x' q' u0 ]
2 {- X5 s" O MFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a5 M. X7 D- D4 w
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I! h. o% \; r1 A/ E9 i+ t7 x% W
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
; p X# O- Z- E# @/ I9 D; M& ~5 A7 Y$ G6 Byears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a5 s7 p) _ A7 k. a2 O+ ] I& k
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
6 B5 q' q& G* }# r2 @named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics5 b! D9 Y3 B4 h0 f2 S
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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1 [# U; z# r+ z; C" JMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
4 [) }* W9 A V! I" Aencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress." A5 z) ]* }) t7 ~2 N E( U
w( n J# C; w4 CMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well5 w8 [* q% b7 g' K; R1 k% E! V
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
9 \; h2 M% @! N2 ^; j7 V/ R7 tme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing+ ]4 Q) s+ c& h; v
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!7 T) I2 v4 Y3 g( Y* s R
# i2 c2 ]2 m$ J0 o. N, E8 m. n6 q6 u$ _She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed$ f6 Y* L) O, p9 u( m4 ^+ C
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
2 i1 d/ ?- e W/ Yin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in2 h; d# {1 I! W$ Y1 ~
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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# q# P3 c& b) @; [* [1 fVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
% P" t4 l5 Q7 L( |! `" Valthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
# F+ l7 Q& {) ^ g0 M4 x0 [! q( g2 pwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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3 \% g% h; d* n% M1 l( {. BTUESDAY:
2 c b6 ~6 V6 y" U3 l! ~I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
8 d5 h0 d/ H E8 r9 N1 G% \+ `Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,( l" A% u: T- U- H
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
! s" C: ]% R, ]) Atreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it' \ Z' f8 J" y3 ~ W6 z0 \
all worthwhile.
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7 C) x- x/ ~& R! ]" ^I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.- u5 D8 j$ g; a8 W$ N
$ }5 d8 [$ Q' q# F4 l/ n0 pWEDNESDAY:5 D& i6 A. l! }8 Q2 m9 P; Y# y
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
& w4 f& t: u* {the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
% t" o5 K6 G9 x3 U8 w, Da hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
7 @& J: T) \0 j7 b, j& `+ osteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams& H1 R& _9 D8 X# s7 ^
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for; c, [ @/ ?, t; t# w* r1 ~5 Z
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine+ V2 w$ ?; d8 s9 v, W# P
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
9 W5 ^- T: S9 k! |' a0 C1 U, U2 yBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
6 A& S$ E4 c9 b3 \machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
8 b$ E0 q6 k( c& Ktold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
7 ?7 G& j5 k# @. Z" q) t3 U" X) D
! }' q5 v2 v* f+ gShe said some other shit too.: B1 l; J9 b8 W; w$ e
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THURSDAY:1 W" h- d8 q4 O! w4 g
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
5 c$ V, a8 \; k. B* Xher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
X) X( |9 d6 p9 N( I/ o, `. J% k; I* Hbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda+ Y5 x& D% O7 o
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
5 @- t4 F! L1 M% v1 }0 ^* p3 Ohid in the men's room.
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6 n* U% s9 J' p% A' JShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing" i) l: J: G# u; Z3 T
machine -- which I sank.
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$ f* r1 j4 a: u$ L8 V5 UFRIDAY:& i, I8 m; Z& y& c1 i
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated: a5 H5 m& J y; s1 g7 H$ U& C; q. u
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,) i% j9 V+ j5 v3 o9 e; s7 W# `
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: X- Q6 G' {; D" ycould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda h: T1 {" [( w
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!0 O: i( B' t/ F, Y; F
' ^4 t* ~+ |9 U* N1 O# g/ U6 y* LAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me" P! T( O7 m1 \. T5 Q% R) O
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.8 Z, y# z+ |% Z8 E& s
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
+ T( d: S) t) x; ?; Xteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
1 X1 j- o7 v/ [7 A! z- Yor the choir director?+ x: ]5 V3 z- b
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SATURDAY:5 D5 [. p. V% }
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,( y) L2 z3 F6 y% k2 f: z
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
; a0 @( [3 C. i$ _$ a9 ]7 {' qmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the3 Z2 y' g2 v9 m
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight4 P% ]' D# D* n# j, ^4 [2 J: O
hours of the Weather Channel.7 s2 ]# M4 O7 n
9 t: n3 y- G1 p2 [! U q2 V" a7 F( T" `SUNDAY:. Z8 \- P5 P1 m4 N
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
! U) Q2 K. P# r* k. Sand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 b$ G" s- Z9 T& ~4 v/ G# kmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like2 b. h6 q7 q c
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
