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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something1 {8 v4 _5 y7 _0 V; f
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get$ x1 K9 E, U% m9 C; L3 W0 L
into a regular workout routine.
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2 Y. I3 j+ M' M# N: oDear Diary:/ p) S* ]! G6 o
' k+ M$ N r. i. F' I: qFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
3 T% u3 u8 F2 n# Eweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
; M& [9 S$ F, l' {$ Z, tam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25! m. |0 b: Q3 T) X$ C3 p* I8 f
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
# Z4 ]% a' U5 ]2 s- E6 a$ Gtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer. C. k$ v* u8 T0 o0 z; ^* i( ? n
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics7 H+ g+ F0 f( G# f1 S5 L5 P# f
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. I& ]* T7 N2 w p/ z
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club+ H+ J6 Z* l. q: y7 R4 T
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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) v/ j2 F/ M5 i6 j8 F! f7 L# p9 `. vMONDAY:. T P1 z. S8 z5 C
5 w6 w# M8 t7 I/ ? j9 d d0 I3 FStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well; k7 I/ Z3 P. J# O& C+ {
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
7 ^" Z& y* `0 N+ R4 b! vme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
1 a! j2 p# G# S; f* ~7 R; u2 }# deyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!7 }1 Y. ]) w" i# f9 u6 n7 B
" ~7 k2 x2 ^3 x( E/ FShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed9 z. s+ ?+ H# ~% ]9 \8 [/ H. t2 _. e
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her7 l2 d5 ]0 S% ~- g8 c1 L/ q
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
/ q, K+ a3 Z# ], t7 Q' A& T, wwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
1 c+ [9 I5 a% t/ r5 lalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she$ k( V& x7 h5 m" Q, _
was around.5 R" p2 n8 B& P- l! k* T3 v( O
1 ~6 n" b2 E' \8 m' vThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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+ T/ g& w( o6 ~3 O0 ?' u1 p! nTUESDAY:) j8 h3 `6 `/ B4 Q
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
) c* X% [! M* k1 Z; T, H rBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,9 C% N; R: Q9 O& s& P) p1 ^) [
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the" p7 ~7 d) a- c3 U, Y% y8 S
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it( v) o: c" D. l5 V$ ?3 O
all worthwhile.. L" V& H( r+ ]# E
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:7 \" _/ n4 Q$ Y1 v9 K" U
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on% ]4 D% I( E4 S7 E) ]" S
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
5 W- f4 }8 L) A$ N$ Oa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
3 k* I- J4 v( esteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams! O- n' w( z G
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for- G$ {& e8 @( O2 }
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
: z( E! y* ^3 o; {3 v& ]/ h* Rthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so+ k: {1 @1 j3 L6 W) Z# u: \
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a0 o b0 v' _9 q! V
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
y3 h M# ]6 i1 b$ b7 Z, \2 jtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.3 p5 j! y) X; [$ Q/ \' |9 l
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THURSDAY:
7 I; _9 X& r7 r% bBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
+ N" ?# a/ P! l! B! l$ A# ^her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
5 e* |( D! ?+ F6 l) S: l. ~ P6 cbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda/ v @* I- e2 G1 G7 M
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and3 b5 X' H" ]) I& g: n4 g
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing a5 E) q0 C9 l) W% r
machine -- which I sank.8 C$ Y X$ \1 h# C2 u! m9 L# b8 K5 h9 Z
3 I( j8 s+ b' _ `+ p8 e) V) fFRIDAY:
' N& d. ?9 V) J' V3 r8 x7 y7 II hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
& E5 _, ? Z6 V3 }7 X6 G$ n# Fany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
7 M7 I' @( e3 Danemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I8 s6 w( W) U8 J8 X; f3 ~
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda: c ^6 Y/ t ~+ d$ T. c2 b* F
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!# {2 D6 \( @2 I5 H3 {
4 }! y8 A: b u; F, t4 J' y6 `And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me0 A. a: m4 `% w
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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6 |# C- P% H' o7 hThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition+ P! K& O5 o0 Y
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
2 c4 \" i8 v! D7 C: ?+ @3 I! s) ?or the choir director?" ^) H' I4 z! ?2 _
; V+ z% o, l0 K; WSATURDAY:( Z) h: H7 K; k
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
* Z0 M$ t L# }% d1 qshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
, O( s. s, F y3 ?8 p- P8 `4 y+ smade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the) l8 C4 c- C }; ?7 b* g7 P2 ^( B
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight' Y( r( J: M- r2 U, } K
hours of the Weather Channel.' L' }- g" r, d' X+ D' w1 f$ _
# Y2 c$ g( D. @; h6 p2 I1 f9 \ TSUNDAY:
+ P9 U b, t6 d# f& n; ^( r7 d" sI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- Z6 {7 J2 t) t9 C8 Q3 Pand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,5 h( S/ o% |3 w9 Q2 w
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
! v$ g- }& o7 ^! b0 H- |a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
