Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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$ a8 R, [' y- q. p0 v' \) @8 P1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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# L, a% A: k* ~" x/ ^8 E6 O2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

; w; Q8 \( j9 S4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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) d5 d5 h& j$ O' Z/ L3 t' e7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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% C9 \9 j/ w5 L, g- D. \. _5 o8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

3 c4 f! p3 H# m9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

2 _$ L* u6 X. A9 `  w* W9 I12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

/ V5 L: s* h+ J9 U4 q, e9 D6 I13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

8 p" J' J. _+ P* f14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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9 Y/ j, o$ `; h9 o8 N9 T5 R15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.