Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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! ]) f# }* s1 k: b" J8 ]The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

4 S3 t1 w- {- M1 p1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

- Y/ ?2 I5 I, Y# J; u% X2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

/ b; g# @# h0 g9 W) ]" i3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

3 A3 A% s: W/ h& k4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

3 d  V' {: Q! ]. R5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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) Z  b1 i/ k' f$ _4 U9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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( O: j! o6 w/ W" Z  s6 ], x% h; A  N11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

7 c9 v$ s( Q# @9 z; e16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.