Modern Definitions

l8eac

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

$ a1 h# s) @2 @) ^The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

# Y( g3 o0 @3 W2 \& z: T1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
, U9 E8 ^/ d! m/ s. N2 F
" O4 z3 Y3 U& n( i( G8 q2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

$ o, v7 l; q3 [5 x6 E3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 \5 j+ o3 _/ N; H4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
. x0 H$ Y( @: G/ R$ K2 g( C
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
% j4 E5 V( T- W! d* j# f* f! W
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
" _* f: m. H* p1 G! i
8 O; d( \4 ]# q9 q7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
' M+ z$ y5 H* G
1 \& [. C9 r+ z# Q7 I# D8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

" J& }+ b1 A4 E. g9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
) q. z' F  `& Z$ q
0 M5 I/ o9 D8 O3 {8 U10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
' u5 p; I$ D; H/ w+ t1 q
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

! V3 C* z5 _- w  H! M( p/ ^13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
, K" F0 A/ T: \# ?
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
! j* t! l* _2 f+ {% d
! z. i& j( c& v  C' \15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

2 C! n: W( i" _16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.