Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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: m/ F  }$ F$ ]4 M3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6 h7 L1 C) w  O" C* ~6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

: c( t2 j. G7 k( f8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

: B# g5 f. D, z7 l1 m9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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" c9 l: c/ {" T4 t8 [" y10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

: H* [% w3 ?! S0 B6 r0 s; d13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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% ?5 g/ x8 \- X! y( y14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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' o, t) J1 A) N4 i15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

5 }( ~9 y$ d, N3 k& v16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.