Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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% Y' j8 g* O. T/ I9 @/ Q2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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+ S, m- M* Z5 c7 _6 h! Z6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

4 l$ e" ^: y/ }8 l5 W2 ]4 a2 R1 K7 `5 }10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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4 E* e+ V7 Z2 Q! P11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

! n! m# c$ W2 F3 I% ~$ p( o13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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- v8 Y! x2 W$ Q2 i; L" M15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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: I1 T' n: }  e: ^: M" c2 T16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.