Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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. T$ _& j! P6 g7 a$ V% ~2 i: H2 ?; U" KThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

) N5 b9 V* E9 f  V( Q' Y& w$ b2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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9 V' }6 E, N: t0 M3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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; K: g5 f4 ~- H+ t6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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0 Q- C$ ]/ F& s. f: a7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

; |' j+ w8 s* }! h2 d2 ~8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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  t6 q4 d' A% t8 |+ \) U11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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: W; E/ o& b+ J12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

  M+ Z0 r- J- f) a3 ~  z! ]5 U9 ?13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

! D# X, N7 Q5 I- L8 K15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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9 f9 |( O0 o. J9 H$ M16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.