Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

, V& E" d- m# I, Y: z0 Q2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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4 f+ X: L$ }1 g3 D3 G5 t, n3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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) P9 W1 r4 J- R; N! L4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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$ {: @% A2 u1 i- d4 T- ~8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

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, ^6 h& h" U; i: }/ m& o$ B! Z/ S12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

. m; v# w7 J; h13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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4 s! G: ], q( y$ v' L$ t14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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1 m) a" S8 e" M, {. T+ d" G+ i15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

5 E# S, M0 l- M" Q4 O% R16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.