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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love5 c4 H- c# ~+ y) ~& l& d+ g& o

. H: m7 [; N- M% }3 p  Y$ R7 y+ hI fell in love with you # e+ B  _0 u+ U# Y
At the first week we met2 J: H' W+ H* c" x% N/ h: \& i
2 o1 U2 N" J$ {% N: p$ y9 v$ ?
You have charm, you have looks
( @+ k8 u3 u& Dwith full of pimples in face
% c+ v0 k! K6 H# r6 {As spotting sky at a summer night: ~3 _. Z5 v  V9 E
They are shining stars
' E( R+ W, Z/ `! Y- c" b9 p; q: p; w& ~- M9 D. P4 u) M
Your lip is so big
% |% B# W  w; E: x9 [6 R+ j" e6 ^1 p+ kAnd that’s good for a kiss& X% X7 m9 l2 i" l- G8 ]- u
Your body is chubby
2 q0 l& K7 M5 x- e& I, [) V6 c$ bAnd that is good for sex
# p; [3 y4 r" s1 h3 e( F
% }! G- E+ ?. ^) K' H1 Z8 H; MI was deeply in love. z# y/ X) b7 H9 ^
Everything from you is positive8 F3 ^8 `) p: x+ ?2 @
You blame me everything and everyday
/ u/ D2 m; I9 @And I think all girls sound like
- S, l$ l6 A8 U  \
3 n* |8 N/ e/ j, xYou could not stand my eating1 [! e  i# q5 z
Saying no good for making funny sound
, [2 @' R% r& n& p# R1 CI think you are perfectly right; i2 r; h! C$ S% q0 V2 S7 [
Eating with sound is a pig
5 ]! s& a* [' c, z- z. j  G2 w3 H& J; @: }2 j9 k  f5 g
I fell in love with you
4 u5 q5 S/ F) E# ^Become a fool to think  y. I3 u) I) U3 h& x0 _7 c
All trouble things you did- f1 j5 l3 n, \3 q/ v4 h% c
And that is the price for love
* X, y0 S! Q" e; B' U1 K7 R9 a0 |- h" X3 L: s" h
you are deeply in love7 q- t# p- D2 `' e8 E8 ]$ ^
Everything from me is negative
) B* i& H& B: ]6 ]# x"My man should be like this,
  U: l) E$ }5 u8 C5 u! |and I am helping you to improve'
8 i& r# j* D' b& Q4 A  j- G! g
You are loving me
5 X6 a8 `! Q0 k, Z! dor that one in your mind?( g! E2 ~; u/ e6 J
My mind is like a mud
2 e5 |0 U7 e" z1 o" ecan be shaped whatever you want
* [9 k" b4 _6 l, K) |
8 t; \, x9 }$ T$ k) |$ qunfortunalety not my heart
+ w* c3 p3 w: e- m; OIt is slashed by you 7 t5 V- L! m/ t; k- ^  G
and I am seriously hurt
0 q# e) ?2 D. E: Y, w! o( p7 K, L% ~
I will never love another 8 @3 `# G5 B+ D4 Y# u2 u/ w) t
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
5 \& w: C% V3 c+ K0 A$ H# @my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
, }) g; d& P6 ?% J9 w3 ]

; Y9 d; M' r( _6 W  W8 J  ~咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
7 A. t( n. F# L4 Y- |, S: C' w不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 2 E/ ^4 T/ @. a9 H) D
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks./ L4 {, k$ |$ P  g. r0 L  e
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed9 T& ^' [! E4 i; b9 _+ j
9 {" _4 j8 V* X3 O
with the charm,5 x7 [$ i2 k0 b  s1 T
with the simles.
  P2 C, h3 K; _8 _, c6 y' TI fell in love with you
0 r. e% x( G& p4 a% W0 R2 d. RIn the first sign.8 f4 N' i3 r' |
As spotting sky at a summer 6 b6 N' ~% T5 t
: B" x  x* q6 W8 @9 [: c) G" y
Your lip is so soft * [  Y) |2 ~$ d+ o/ ~) F4 n3 i
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss7 y8 m$ h1 K- r: Z" d9 Z
Your body is so sexy
/ K0 X! \9 K9 a, @0 _0 tAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 U, m4 B) n3 G/ S# j. t3 S+ B  x! p' M2 w% n, i8 }" ^/ e4 ^( t7 @
I am deeply in love
6 Z" S& b& k: Y$ [. r: @Everything from you is so charming
2 ^( d+ N  Z& d4 a1 b8 {although You r so picky for me
2 W0 H, ]; g2 C7 EAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  ~+ q4 M4 ^% y- h( G7 K! N  GBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
/ C6 a$ |5 b7 z7 w* H& @( s/ k& s1 W- E8 p# C# N/ b: o$ ~# _% ?
6 O! j+ K2 u) S
His hello is the end of her endings" E: c5 v. d$ t7 q; F
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle* w& J: @& r, \) J% k& G6 M
His hand would be hers to hold forever
$ S( o  S3 e/ R/ r1 b- _0 q# b" @% x/ oHis forever is simply as her smile
$ L2 N0 p# p  m6 ~. p2 C- IHe said she was what was missing
1 y) L. R* o0 G5 I, Q' RShe said instantly she knew
3 O( z3 v: [, S( H" P0 m0 a  FShe was a question to be answered- T. s! \! M1 D9 t/ p
And his answer is + H7 g4 \( m% e+ ^) C7 }
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas& m" }8 G. d) c
$ N& x* `5 |; u" F: N
Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt# X) Z% M. Y, J$ l& V* |$ X
; h$ @4 }6 f7 M* q! t; H# Z8 y8 \- B
It's amazing how I felt ; U! l4 @! }1 G; o1 W8 |
when I was with you
% m9 y1 e1 \. L# F9 k6 Q) @My heart beat so fast
& N! s; z( a/ u8 h) b& _" t  \9 oI looked at you and thought
. j& B! ]1 ]& u% ^8 NHoly Jesus, you were so cute8 ]6 V* W6 K6 X- [1 c) Q% `& J
( D5 a0 s% J4 C2 R+ |9 n
You left me without a word
5 o; P7 |6 J2 l+ p! R; f  fI have nothing except my emptiness) w& |, W/ h. R2 `  N
My mood is like a cloud
: Y6 @3 ^' |+ g$ Z7 hHow could it be dispersed?& g* A0 S' _1 U+ G

- c- c/ I# H! |3 @0 qFeelings bite my heart % n" I3 S' s( o4 J
You are the right one I wait
4 ?/ d$ [5 A6 L1 D5 |8 ?) _In the depth of my soul
" n2 o( p1 I5 i+ RI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: d2 m0 f  C6 F! u
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% r& `: c2 v  P; @( E& v2 I3 j$ x% ?
就和用中文写一次
) g* s9 q" m" Q# z+ X阿,我爱你; _% d2 X9 v; X
你让我心跳好快
* ?4 S% u' U/ b% L9 w8 q' F你让我脸发热
; H6 U: T  X) e- Q4 |/ c我爱上你的大嘴唇7 Y, X% `) j+ N$ o8 J6 X
XXXXX
9 ^  t+ ?. x7 w# z* p: _6 r不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
4 C- N8 h. s" q5 T1 d2 q" x$ y; K/ A/ F+ o% H4 C
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( B. x: H* @$ H至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
& d' D1 @) j  ~& @/ L- L8 i闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 O, d# F5 }( x! t# j9 L0 ?1 c
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( p9 x3 C  R! g: c: M0 n就和用中文写一次
" i" N$ |* e2 ^4 B9 T3 [* k. P阿,我爱你
4 e1 d$ a$ _) |你让我心跳好快$ V: j: P: c% |0 p
你让我脸发热
3 {# l3 E5 F  l3 d5 h我爱上你的大嘴唇
* p- S! L- W( y$ kXXXXX
* O$ L7 _2 l; \2 z; B不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
- x' P$ ]5 A( U

1 _# K" @. d- y: s靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.! L0 @2 J$ A4 ^2 Z) ?; {8 W
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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