我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
) k! N8 w- `: M# JAt the first week we met
7 l, B+ C. b; Z' @) Z  s4 r
You have charm, you have looks
' U# K& D- c3 {$ H. Bwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
4 p" u- Q# l9 X4 R* eThey are shining stars

* ^$ `) y, V  S2 I* r9 f' f' iYour lip is so big
4 b1 l' o* v& @$ F: I9 P8 |And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
) }- P3 z/ e3 X0 E7 xAnd that is good for sex
( h2 c# d  B( a, h/ E$ ^
I was deeply in love
$ S' D# x. J" u8 xEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
2 E- U+ ?6 ?, c) CAnd I think all girls sound like
# H7 ]( O$ w$ D* f, v. p, P0 G3 G
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
$ ?( |# ~8 s# j6 C" k, G1 _I think you are perfectly right
9 F( }$ g" Y/ s7 aEating with sound is a pig

3 r$ J- p+ f6 V/ ?; _9 s7 \I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
: m( p7 B4 M9 Z9 x! ?! ?All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
" n# I% P4 g' E  k/ h# vEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
$ S# S  q' l" J; ?* H, }# x6 K
: O3 @) ^" }& J# K, gYou are loving me
& r7 c' |: `) J3 V- ^; Eor that one in your mind?
( b$ Y/ a! @. N5 eMy mind is like a mud
: S# a5 v& k6 U- x/ G: @can be shaped whatever you want
( u6 Y  d8 a' @
- D  M0 C# j9 Xunfortunalety not my heart
* h8 p: ?& _) i% y( R, F/ E/ _It is slashed by you
& f4 U* ^* J; C% |; gand I am seriously hurt
3 c- W6 r; Y! U1 Y( K! p
I will never love another
0 G0 H- c- I, S( X) L: a# VIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
  W1 ^+ f6 X( ?; E, m/ ]my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 r9 |+ K5 @% `$ S& ?+ b, Z8 E1 w; X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
4 M0 m7 [8 i& }4 j9 a0 Ti am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
  n) v* G5 P! M7 r! ]: T6 q
. ?) }4 D  B+ |; xwith the charm,
7 n7 _4 \" ]: L" ^/ @9 ^with the simles.
' z" C  l. W5 S1 HI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
. t  v/ }7 T$ ^! L3 L0 |As spotting sky at a summer

! N- u* w7 ?/ t7 o0 d1 xYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* w9 i, F4 j; ]- g' \6 U0 ]
' q- C0 {: C2 y: kI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
9 b2 C" a. s  f9 x. F& talthough You r so picky for me
! N: R, k' \! J3 O+ g# P3 [And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
; f( O4 _: S6 i1 j9 {But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
0 O) H1 l# L/ [

His hello is the end of her endings
& v# \6 U) G7 [) }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
, Q, r3 @0 R* {! aHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
6 ]: P$ f& V* m9 sShe was a question to be answered
3 O) k1 X' d. U; d9 dAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

7 D- l; q0 ?, J* n% YBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
/ u+ T* N) m  i% e. K
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
" A  Y( p! a; y( I! |4 @: oI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
( X: a- R' K5 _4 D0 O
You left me without a word
  u$ F+ w" M9 @# UI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
8 D- P, d* @0 z( j* ]' ?How could it be dispersed?

$ ]& f, P( \; K! i( uFeelings bite my heart
6 \: X" {  _& ]& t) i5 D1 vYou are the right one I wait
' T. v# m! a* \' AIn the depth of my soul
* F! g& V* x9 e+ g! JI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: P& j$ q, l0 z你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( k- w+ z, Q  k" y7 v+ w5 e就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
+ h5 j! W: H0 I. U你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
6 P5 q" ?: J1 j9 z我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 N4 N6 I  m* `XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! g! P( B, h. C5 T5 I7 I闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 U  V5 [+ w) x$ m就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
7 _; c7 h% M. a, N你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
  ~5 \7 J/ Q* j4 R; F5 l7 aXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 U+ M' G& f0 ^; D9 `

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。