埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5262|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love- z9 J3 l! q1 ^  T+ x) F
/ g# D2 W$ N8 Y* G( E8 v6 S' Q% ]
I fell in love with you
) k! N8 w- `: M# JAt the first week we met
7 l, B+ C. b; Z' @) Z  s4 r1 w( c1 u, l; n% `* V
You have charm, you have looks
' U# K& D- c3 {$ H. Bwith full of pimples in face! R8 n2 A0 N# K' J5 W3 O1 ~( {
As spotting sky at a summer night
4 p" u- Q# l9 X4 R* eThey are shining stars) i% K0 d( S6 f2 Y6 q6 V

* ^$ `) y, V  S2 I* r9 f' f' iYour lip is so big
4 b1 l' o* v& @$ F: I9 P8 |And that’s good for a kiss; \: K6 C7 w) k4 r- q' K
Your body is chubby
) }- P3 z/ e3 X0 E7 xAnd that is good for sex
( h2 c# d  B( a, h/ E$ ^$ w& K! B4 ^" l/ r  d/ B
I was deeply in love
$ S' D# x. J" u8 xEverything from you is positive& W0 @: U0 Q  V8 F% X& [# }6 ^
You blame me everything and everyday
2 E- U+ ?6 ?, c) CAnd I think all girls sound like
# H7 ]( O$ w$ D* f, v. p, P0 G3 G" N' i- n; l/ S4 [$ \5 @
You could not stand my eating9 D7 v: g6 l" Q( m3 a
Saying no good for making funny sound
$ ?( |# ~8 s# j6 C" k, G1 _I think you are perfectly right
9 F( }$ g" Y/ s7 aEating with sound is a pig# e" r& A8 V3 d& C

3 r$ J- p+ f6 V/ ?; _9 s7 \I fell in love with you ( t1 c& q, ^; I8 e) W
Become a fool to think
: m( p7 B4 M9 Z9 x! ?! ?All trouble things you did: I7 U  o$ y( e; Z' b( Y" H
And that is the price for love( I; C  r7 `, ?; V3 y2 h
4 x( X7 T5 w  r; p
you are deeply in love
" n# I% P4 g' E  k/ h# vEverything from me is negative# f+ G0 g) r9 `: O; L$ ~: A( A
"My man should be like this,7 ?# c' r8 |, i! j" ?0 B0 ^
and I am helping you to improve'
$ S# S  q' l" J; ?* H, }# x6 K
: O3 @) ^" }& J# K, gYou are loving me
& r7 c' |: `) J3 V- ^; Eor that one in your mind?
( b$ Y/ a! @. N5 eMy mind is like a mud
: S# a5 v& k6 U- x/ G: @can be shaped whatever you want
( u6 Y  d8 a' @
- D  M0 C# j9 Xunfortunalety not my heart
* h8 p: ?& _) i% y( R, F/ E/ _It is slashed by you
& f4 U* ^* J; C% |; gand I am seriously hurt
3 c- W6 r; Y! U1 Y( K! p6 p, j1 P4 q! {5 C) J3 `. ?+ U
I will never love another
0 G0 H- c- I, S( X) L: a# VIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
  W1 ^+ f6 X( ?; E, m/ ]my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
  v8 r  W7 V3 W/ N
& X3 `) D1 M; {1 `. t* u1 v
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 r9 |+ K5 @% `$ S& ?+ b, Z8 E1 w; X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
4 M0 m7 [8 i& }4 j9 a0 Ti am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 E+ J2 v; E6 S1 X9 d/ J
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
  n) v* G5 P! M7 r! ]: T6 q
. ?) }4 D  B+ |; xwith the charm,
7 n7 _4 \" ]: L" ^/ @9 ^with the simles.
' z" C  l. W5 S1 HI fell in love with you 0 J- q+ o# z6 k6 A
In the first sign.
. t  v/ }7 T$ ^! L3 L0 |As spotting sky at a summer 1 t1 M& C7 f0 n, z# _; m/ U7 I! O: d

! N- u* w7 ?/ t7 o0 d1 xYour lip is so soft ' t4 x  p$ q, X: O' i1 U
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss" b$ J, d0 _7 }5 c0 O: {5 O) Z
Your body is so sexy# c9 n3 u1 K/ y+ t) ^+ F
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* w9 i, F4 j; ]- g' \6 U0 ]
' q- C0 {: C2 y: kI am deeply in love5 e  j5 E/ a; Y7 ]9 Q# n( d$ ~, e
Everything from you is so charming
9 b2 C" a. s  f9 x. F& talthough You r so picky for me
! N: R, k' \! J3 O+ g# P3 [And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
; f( O4 _: S6 i1 j9 {But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
0 O) H1 l# L/ [3 p- M+ ], O6 m8 M: Z. M* u
8 \( m; Q& j0 E9 e  {$ D
His hello is the end of her endings
& v# \6 U) G7 [) }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle1 s( ?: K# R6 O) v# |
His hand would be hers to hold forever
, Q, r3 @0 R* {! aHis forever is simply as her smile 4 c& q4 {* p  w7 m$ F0 z- J
He said she was what was missing, s# t' ~! U" W# }
She said instantly she knew
6 ]: P$ f& V* m9 sShe was a question to be answered
3 O) k1 X' d. U; d9 dAnd his answer is $ G1 ?5 g( h+ q
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas2 k  f0 J3 @; n& _" ~& }

7 D- l; q0 ?, J* n% YBelow is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ u+ T* N) m  i% e. K4 a1 u1 B  O3 \- o% {; ]
It's amazing how I felt $ F3 i4 Q3 w4 e% X2 n* z
when I was with you" ?) W# H. Q, j. f; a" C
My heart beat so fast
" A  Y( p! a; y( I! |4 @: oI looked at you and thought' U, r! {3 N9 c* T& M4 M6 w0 G
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
( X: a- R' K5 _4 D0 O, \! ?7 n" }( Y' p
You left me without a word
  u$ F+ w" M9 @# UI have nothing except my emptiness2 q0 Q7 E9 h5 m8 j$ Y/ L8 b! b2 O
My mood is like a cloud
8 D- P, d* @0 z( j* ]' ?How could it be dispersed?5 ]+ K2 _- H9 L

$ ]& f, P( \; K! i( uFeelings bite my heart
6 \: X" {  _& ]& t) i5 D1 vYou are the right one I wait
' T. v# m! a* \' AIn the depth of my soul
* F! g& V* x9 e+ g! JI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: P& j$ q, l0 z你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( k- w+ z, Q  k" y7 v+ w5 e就和用中文写一次% @- K& ?" ^$ D0 [- `! b- O
阿,我爱你
+ h5 j! W: H0 I. U你让我心跳好快" ^: W- I& G; y! l. ~, E2 l6 t! V
你让我脸发热
6 P5 q" ?: J1 j9 z我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 N4 N6 I  m* `XXXXX* E# H5 A2 b) J* j' [  S% T
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?' ~! q& I2 X1 d( Z" A+ b
7 Y# E* O1 F% i7 y9 m4 \3 O
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER" w2 `% J7 }+ S: u8 F+ [8 h8 H
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! g! P( B, h. C5 T5 I7 I闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美  j/ G) o9 U0 x: d1 e# n
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 U  V5 [+ w) x$ m就和用中文写一次4 M9 l( L+ `( w3 _# p
阿,我爱你0 F. X' N' I$ k) j' R
你让我心跳好快
7 _; c7 h% M. a, N你让我脸发热+ x; Y1 L3 v0 R& `* s. E
我爱上你的大嘴唇
  ~5 \7 J/ Q* j4 R; F5 l7 aXXXXX; [# b& u: u. Z& H' y9 `9 J
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
6 ~# n! K! w' T  M, m* V9 s
0 u) o+ q6 [+ ~, F# j
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 U+ M' G& f0 ^; D9 `
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-5-1 07:44 , Processed in 0.134813 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表