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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
2 Y0 Z! M6 B. P
/ L; c, T( y% c  JI fell in love with you ' m3 B: p# V3 M7 W' }
At the first week we met
' h4 v; q6 l1 t$ \8 I9 R, {1 B" _  ]
6 N& X% Z* r% PYou have charm, you have looks
$ V; x7 U* {5 \' f3 O4 Qwith full of pimples in face2 e' ]0 F; R# ^
As spotting sky at a summer night% N9 h& \# O1 }' p# u8 Q
They are shining stars
  V) [/ M# X7 E3 m: J& \) _3 E
8 \/ D+ y8 o$ F3 N! @3 E- N5 U) f; EYour lip is so big9 w( l& M0 x! m4 @: f$ R0 l
And that’s good for a kiss
- n( Q: [* l: o. x  D! w8 R( V" nYour body is chubby
! w# s4 O( b8 e2 t- b; oAnd that is good for sex0 z3 O& U, w6 X8 p$ J$ }  U

2 M$ A5 j2 G0 j( E( Y4 hI was deeply in love+ }  r- V2 ]. s/ j8 w. e4 I! u
Everything from you is positive
" l! ^  C1 z& ~5 o4 [% PYou blame me everything and everyday
2 \. \5 ^- o1 X7 O# FAnd I think all girls sound like
8 n) H0 u# b) M9 E& i4 G7 D/ q7 U3 y1 g3 v& }2 |3 \
You could not stand my eating* j2 r" q. K; A/ c
Saying no good for making funny sound) N2 V9 t, h, K  [9 l, X% @" [
I think you are perfectly right
4 ]$ C; Q$ a3 V$ a: dEating with sound is a pig& d4 v4 Z. h0 L& D
9 T9 h7 }/ J3 v) ?/ y6 X9 g! m
I fell in love with you * |2 S* s! Y3 |( z, C
Become a fool to think
$ F9 }* ]* b3 [/ `1 s3 R; M: DAll trouble things you did/ v! H$ |4 S! b( [
And that is the price for love) r, I3 q1 E' x0 S3 l: H
2 N1 {/ E# X8 [- y2 i
you are deeply in love- ~9 }2 Y0 R5 Q
Everything from me is negative3 V9 I9 i! x# R& c, a. L
"My man should be like this,- q& Y$ y# v6 n$ Q+ l+ i0 i
and I am helping you to improve'
6 E& e4 G4 T: Y
7 Z4 m& B6 N3 Z, LYou are loving me
8 k5 D2 h" K2 Qor that one in your mind?( q" D* R( ?1 J0 [- _* ~& j- b
My mind is like a mud5 d6 z: d# x+ ]. ?3 L% K: J
can be shaped whatever you want
# U& d1 T; d0 f) F
& \' Z4 ?) u4 punfortunalety not my heart
" C7 z0 M1 p3 nIt is slashed by you
" v& ?+ c! f0 x2 k$ l* a; Z. Dand I am seriously hurt
4 ~% F* \0 x+ d% R8 |4 u; p
  p6 v3 f6 |- BI will never love another
! ~9 u4 V" |% g( ~# u0 GIf my heart can be fixed
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
6 d( e4 j7 Y, l# V2 V0 omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

: I2 ^' W. o7 |! g8 ~6 Y" h# d* w, M  k, f
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
  G; K( r5 U' X3 t' e; Z, J不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 9 @+ e1 j# T/ ]8 t9 R) A
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.4 o5 C$ c9 O, M+ N/ D& x1 U; P
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
/ D: y2 }/ h( I' Q) b8 k: k2 |* }  s* s# h) d
with the charm,1 P7 I% h# K3 L/ ^9 I0 B% V: e2 ]
with the simles.
: I% h  Q9 h; e$ m) j* }- ZI fell in love with you . i  u* q4 a4 `$ l2 [6 Z2 _
In the first sign.: K* E/ a+ v9 d
As spotting sky at a summer ( L" Q$ S% R0 W# ^0 G
: A/ [6 m6 W0 n( M' z' A- L) @
Your lip is so soft
& M6 E% u* Z! Q$ l) }" Q7 _there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
) V- {0 n3 X( c8 _0 u9 fYour body is so sexy# f$ W7 g9 u& ]
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.% z" _! `* u- D8 J

1 i) g8 o5 Y' i5 L) \I am deeply in love" P( O2 G# C  `3 S& D
Everything from you is so charming7 m/ S; ?* \0 T( D# J2 n) n* K
although You r so picky for me " w5 ~% ]8 h/ {5 ?
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.' N8 }8 f) X& Q5 q. D" U
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
) J& ]  f1 ]3 w/ z% c! m6 n4 k: T. D3 Z8 v2 Q
; P0 S& Y6 p3 p5 D  n: r! v
His hello is the end of her endings
" J, I3 V* m+ Z( b: F$ e2 b- q( aHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle! x9 r0 h' M  R7 x+ k5 W/ X
His hand would be hers to hold forever
" b( L: P# ]" w( j6 d6 V# MHis forever is simply as her smile
- v$ D# |1 B; l9 n" u" _( V! Z; ?He said she was what was missing
4 x. m- `3 x( _' U4 f) ~She said instantly she knew
2 _& t- d# F: w, [She was a question to be answered5 ?4 Y. `7 h: O5 W& [  l5 [
And his answer is 6 l5 W. k+ {4 x5 T6 U
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 n# S* X. b. \5 a, Z7 {- b: @  f) J4 H
: n6 {+ [. J+ |( X, h: NBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
) A, e8 y. e/ l' U0 o6 ?, o6 ], Z
, X' ?: I9 N; Q4 @# K) t- e! `It's amazing how I felt 1 p& i, q7 M  I& `
when I was with you2 E) t+ Y3 G! Z$ t$ y5 p# x; x- N0 E
My heart beat so fast7 |6 @" Q( B- c
I looked at you and thought
8 r0 N8 h$ s. Z; T( b1 h0 N, P* L+ p( {2 iHoly Jesus, you were so cute
+ v. f8 ]0 C/ M- }3 F) E" l# W4 ~3 n4 y! r
You left me without a word
5 |; E8 {! O5 a- N5 `0 yI have nothing except my emptiness" t% ]0 T5 F* w9 c4 I; ]: W* v
My mood is like a cloud
& J) s( J" B) x7 BHow could it be dispersed?: K' M' q! y! ^' e( ?3 d- p
1 u9 W6 r" o' w: |! H; G- v2 ~
Feelings bite my heart & s9 P, Z5 F. W" S( U' y' u
You are the right one I wait
/ ~# t( _, K" aIn the depth of my soul5 M; y9 Z' g7 h+ a0 B% `
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) {6 D/ I2 \6 ?+ f% b9 Y
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 E$ ~& u' H4 ]4 D+ }; f  d: D( b就和用中文写一次- l" l! Q" g* t+ L& b
阿,我爱你2 D9 s/ D4 [; M9 Z
你让我心跳好快' _: e  a% n) v& r$ b
你让我脸发热; G. d" j. S3 B9 n0 n1 O
我爱上你的大嘴唇9 D6 s' |, ^0 R1 s
XXXXX8 U8 b1 C% \. I8 F6 [7 r( q; \
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?* i* b0 D/ N3 O7 `' I; b+ \
9 p6 a. y8 d. R& @8 K4 a
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
" O! E5 W$ l$ N' z6 e5 i至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
; j/ n, n/ |% K6 q9 ?2 d1 Y闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* x. d5 |9 A# u. A- A. m4 {
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道) o9 Y9 Q- x  v) u1 {  ^
就和用中文写一次
, {- ^1 j, V  j# c) R2 M8 Z3 T阿,我爱你
& c4 D6 \* `/ u* p" B6 [- I你让我心跳好快' e2 I4 g" k# T/ G1 F* A3 l
你让我脸发热9 O# I) `5 d& t
我爱上你的大嘴唇( l- M+ {3 h( \8 V2 }6 [+ M
XXXXX
& _8 F# U0 L, O0 P不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

1 B2 J. `" k- i. ]0 D
0 K" l1 ~, H, d靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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