我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

% b' R3 a% Z, l* g) y+ vI fell in love with you
# _/ s4 Q; k0 \2 v/ V3 i- TAt the first week we met

( A& D- f3 H1 d% N+ `! `You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
  r: {: R- {. GAs spotting sky at a summer night
( u0 }# Y( c+ n7 b+ K: ~They are shining stars

. a4 h" q* i) h# Z) qYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
; \/ i/ K$ a. {( v: v+ q. zYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

9 U; z% Q/ _3 t/ N0 s' QI was deeply in love
8 P7 U0 V, p( q  C9 bEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
. }) U0 s5 O  [6 Q9 a9 c" H  h& mAnd I think all girls sound like
1 u5 N  W( d0 u' S& Z  A8 K
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
( ^4 }; j- E' R2 {8 s: eI think you are perfectly right
" n( q( E7 J) `/ X# j, w& WEating with sound is a pig

) O7 Z" Q4 o/ b& x' wI fell in love with you
+ z: q$ z  b( A+ A- gBecome a fool to think
- O$ }( Q9 l# `; lAll trouble things you did
; z) f7 c( @! L3 d: ~. ?8 ?And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
, b/ d! A8 B1 b8 N+ u4 E) u4 MEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
- A; A2 }% k/ Z1 R7 l5 @3 {2 ~
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
2 E( C( S: R0 B0 i% O" }; zcan be shaped whatever you want

( m! \0 [0 l6 ~( vunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
* G# c1 M5 l! zand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
3 z, l. S6 g( L: E$ O- hIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 F4 T% o7 V  m3 A6 ^$ Qmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- s  s: V) v, o0 B9 J  o: A咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 R/ a1 P4 h) ]1 X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
; h( M2 L) t  W. Y( t3 n# O9 d7 r  zI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
: V- Q. c2 H7 p) [+ ~And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

; w7 ]+ C4 `: J3 K4 _( d- NI am deeply in love
, q4 n3 J+ [) Y. J  b( T, a+ L3 q. fEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
( p7 X# a4 F9 T, {; O& j* gBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

; _/ y0 M. o# E0 @( L
  L2 i" ~; N# MHis hello is the end of her endings
! S* _# o2 [% z5 y+ @  qHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
. x- b+ l. x! D( d2 D6 T# HHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
% ~* H7 w' F# E9 d/ e% J5 W0 Z! iShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
1 v1 }( M- W* D, eI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
" V) r9 Z9 |. R# h4 `  ]
' H9 t4 r6 v7 I( [. I3 w% IBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
6 }! W( [5 |7 F, b
, \. o# v" a2 E- f3 h" rIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
! Y$ N/ D* T0 [3 v# TI looked at you and thought
7 m7 V, ]( G3 U) \5 ?; ^Holy Jesus, you were so cute

0 \# D3 k; G" L1 g9 AYou left me without a word
  S* c' W. X8 VI have nothing except my emptiness
* ^" U1 h* k( ~7 v( {- L/ iMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

# b- ~8 p9 H( qFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" m# Q% i( G. A$ `你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
9 F0 {) h* V3 S2 l4 |+ z/ n8 X你让我心跳好快
2 r( M' Y6 D: O" Q$ f5 V你让我脸发热
5 }) Q/ l8 |" W$ r. M我爱上你的大嘴唇
- N* f% c' ~4 h  eXXXXX
1 ?! M4 n: I! f1 W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 E" b- O$ \. N) G1 E/ R% s2 i: {
* i( ]2 v% ?6 `$ _6 u如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# Y! I" W& Q% K& ~. h- \至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
& r( j3 ?2 f( {$ k2 }3 u阿,我爱你
# G$ f6 Q. I, ^* f+ ~3 O( @+ n% M' X你让我心跳好快
) ^3 a8 T4 q% O, S& Q3 @% E你让我脸发热
' Q* A- ?! j1 p' C/ A5 t我爱上你的大嘴唇
) H0 u9 q  w* u, t9 f# JXXXXX
. {% R1 m8 G; x* ~! c( S不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

9 g7 e9 m0 d' Z: s  W靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。