我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
, B8 `! L- G" F6 u. N  G8 n
2 l7 [# S" T( u  H% n/ P) o* }1 nI fell in love with you
4 Y/ b, h5 U8 L" \At the first week we met
5 [* b7 w6 e0 |9 v
You have charm, you have looks
3 X/ n/ k; {$ Q5 J5 g: h! |# R9 kwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
- Y! U8 G; b/ yThey are shining stars
' ~+ ]1 w( X/ e; n9 ]
Your lip is so big
+ a* w% e9 [4 M- v. m' P- \, ZAnd that’s good for a kiss
( o2 |, X% M6 lYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
! O. \7 Y+ k/ I+ H
I was deeply in love
* ^( e' o& |: d3 C% Z. ^8 PEverything from you is positive
, T5 d( f; }$ m( p2 p4 L( t! L! |You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

3 F; U7 w2 `1 F3 a6 I& W8 MYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
$ I) _: e  J' R+ B, h
I fell in love with you
) {% w* ~- S( u+ V+ W( h  KBecome a fool to think
/ f# F$ H" R3 P) Y% nAll trouble things you did
- S$ o4 }3 [. o& S& ^! DAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
5 y# V! E  M, X( fand I am helping you to improve'
- {6 e/ t* k; X: F
2 R1 f, y) J, X) a8 y5 uYou are loving me
' g$ Z! e9 ?% @2 p9 c: sor that one in your mind?
2 D  C) A: y0 M2 @& H: F+ Y6 s. LMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
" }$ x5 M# B  G1 [/ X
unfortunalety not my heart
' k/ t- r( E  p" w" o& |It is slashed by you
6 w9 J, s/ p+ @and I am seriously hurt
6 _% r' \6 m: G6 M
3 |+ M7 Y. q8 ~1 @& @4 [, rI will never love another
2 w' {2 O) j4 F9 i3 GIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
3 e( G3 e, |( }& P8 B2 [. tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

& G$ O9 A: k2 V4 O2 w
. t% {9 K7 Y3 ^7 X, Y  i' G咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
6 |' J8 `) |- w不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
( ?8 r+ Q& D- f$ p& K/ ^
5 ~9 ^$ p. ]) k/ v9 S: Kwith the charm,
with the simles.
! i0 v5 g1 R9 m( z7 Z9 w# lI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
" X; P/ d! E/ f. Jthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
5 ?& X5 A& K' }- f+ ^2 IAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
1 \$ `' I' U! JEverything from you is so charming
% p! a" }* T' S) H  \although You r so picky for me
# A2 z  X) d# A8 Z, xAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
; N8 }, j8 x( ^# {
( r5 k6 I3 p. Z% p$ i; c8 B
6 Z$ N9 c8 Y! e4 t5 f* KHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
! t5 T9 K$ s% u7 l6 Z- A/ Z2 ]: OHis hand would be hers to hold forever
3 t' r6 Q  m7 Q& z6 B/ _His forever is simply as her smile
( r3 n4 V/ ?' m; M  [& x7 C, rHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
$ c; {6 r( N# f& f+ BShe was a question to be answered
( E* o& ^3 Z  @And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ k5 o- l. n3 F3 K) W0 L, X
5 T* U3 }' e+ e! ^# M  L7 hBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

8 e6 t$ ^/ R) B: EIt's amazing how I felt
9 [0 S4 ]% p- F9 v' {3 q) Hwhen I was with you
" j9 U$ D+ h5 H% l( E8 d! q5 \  h2 RMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
4 {5 P3 i" p. R5 ?1 O
You left me without a word
$ l; P  X/ b, N# \/ O- {I have nothing except my emptiness
9 v+ |1 M* V. j& l7 W5 MMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
  K4 r% P7 V! d. k. C' x4 BYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
( U* q9 S# K- i+ ?$ d8 MI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 U* M2 I. v. X( D8 L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; _' @' q. r' `7 F# w. q+ Y- ^就和用中文写一次
$ ?; I% c) O3 e; s* I8 v% y1 V6 h( N阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
7 f: C1 v8 k1 x* J: K你让我脸发热
) W9 @" g2 O( B我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
. X: ?) H! r* Z+ q- D' q2 X: ^/ ~
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# h' o+ e$ d3 |) x+ b& \6 P至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
& N! H1 u) l0 a7 V" L1 W( o" _闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 {$ F  P1 P- Q1 L0 T5 _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 M; B' ]( {! _4 ]5 s/ ^就和用中文写一次
3 U+ }5 I  s- @2 G' w阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
- D5 V# ^. P9 t, l你让我脸发热
( M1 g1 D9 U$ F3 R) j我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
6 }1 ^7 P9 V5 V' Q0 I! p不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。