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 New Stock Market Terms:8 p& O3 T& Y0 W* P- }8 G0 w2 J
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. ( u6 i# }& x, w9 `$ g
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. 6 x; l& R: }( B; E5 Q
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
, f# x% O. Q+ {) i. i; P9 \BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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0 L1 S! T" ^+ T& N, ^- O& Y( |# BVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 3 V/ Q w' ~) B# q8 p: x
* U& `% K5 R& N. t6 IP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. 1 {' `$ w) N! F8 x! ~ u+ N
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. / j" Q1 F; @0 ]
! N. }8 @6 r7 R3 ]STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.* ^1 U2 w4 v# n5 P0 ^
9 O' q a {# [8 ~+ D+ D/ ]0 vSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 0 Y! x0 d( b1 \4 c ]
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 4 {, `5 K3 Y# l) O8 a
! F/ x& ~, ]4 t7 vCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. " T$ i1 J* x. q! J0 u* _* e
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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6 d% S- Q$ ]' y0 ^INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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3 R6 I# P1 _0 ~# v, |( TPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.+ @: Z2 x( e2 {7 y3 `9 o
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
& C( ?) d+ i5 b, R( UWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.# H% {6 s+ A! `6 s: L y
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left. D2 ]- d- E5 ?5 `4 @* H
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. + c2 `7 S; Y- y- W) |# I
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.$ y( K0 a6 `3 o
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 8 r9 n& ~# M5 j. V2 c! F0 G
2 y0 F1 m, x' v; R3 H5 x A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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f4 c5 {/ g( ~0 H1 NPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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