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Dress Code: 5 F" ]" T$ f3 S$ d
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 6 M# g- _; v8 G; C3 s4 |
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
% e* b) l4 c3 Z4 d* W' }: a3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
" k# o0 H& e0 C4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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" C2 B7 M# ~( H$ VSick Days:
8 H/ C i" j8 r& ~: N) yWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. ?: g6 x e! Q5 G' k
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Personal Days:
- s. s: U8 ~ L' e9 E; jEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 1 @( [5 P8 w8 q
, ^8 M5 Y+ P# q0 m' hBereavement Leave:
6 g( O. e7 v, d8 J+ Y2 p1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
5 Y. R: D8 d: {" ~' Q- X0 e7 ~2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. & P( H4 ^& y2 P F$ p# F
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon.
+ l7 J9 G' l: u) t5 e4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
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Bathroom Breaks: ( L6 W [" ~" S2 w
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. # b C- N6 t2 J* {
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
m7 P g( H2 c1 R" g. Z2 K3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. , x7 x3 _0 p3 Y5 T7 v) ?. q
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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% Y% O( y A/ T1 gLunch Break: 1 l6 E, v' G! y
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
6 m- g9 h- a1 V- R8 y- Y- z2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
" }% V0 \- x& k5 `0 [3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. h/ g, w }: n$ h, V' k2 K
( V' y5 ^* g* m( L! v! oThank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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( I. z5 l7 k0 n2 f' ^! `The Management
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" u; Q" e3 ~1 H, e8 Y' bPass this on to all who are employed. |
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