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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
3 A3 {4 x* c2 Awrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get2 A6 V( P1 W2 {6 d1 y
into a regular workout routine.
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' g$ y$ h9 @- f% CDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a* o# \$ D! g6 O- t& w
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
" c$ |1 W. R8 O. O& y) p+ ham still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
/ K7 Q/ y2 v% Y3 c% [years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
5 r, I1 N9 D8 j& P2 d$ Ttry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" w( P" N" e" L. k/ z% Q2 b/ `% Wnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
" M P! G8 X; V# \5 q. @instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
6 o; F) X2 L8 C4 ^* q: a6 dencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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# N9 I9 }6 t) Z' x$ n* jMONDAY:
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( T W* F. c; r7 o9 q/ lStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
2 X( y! i& Y( [worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for) {6 K( j7 q# A `& I
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
, d% R; i# _! i4 c; _5 `eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!7 e: Q' A0 f9 Z" x2 f
) k! Q; t0 L. s3 Q+ l7 I9 PShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
5 q+ O: J4 L1 u. r; ^that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her# [: C4 [* w: w2 _
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
5 S3 s+ e. S! g9 B8 \) [* ]6 m7 kwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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4 A, t6 T$ y7 Z% G8 i, F4 G, cVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,3 e+ ]) W/ u3 F( T
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she C/ {4 [- g: o
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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- F7 w4 G6 D) q2 k9 L$ I1 ?TUESDAY:
/ q0 I0 A9 h& W) V5 Q, m% pI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
`* w$ i" y. G- r: s0 N# VBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
- x) x2 U" @/ Y1 R: X1 \( rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
7 `2 K- C; {9 t, streadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it0 k4 |+ _# k! a9 w. k1 u9 y; o! @1 j
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
2 a/ x# X; I6 v5 GThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on( @! ^6 M6 ]* G+ @! O2 P: a
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
3 P3 y6 L" I7 X/ ja hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to) e5 h+ @5 q. c1 ~4 D
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams, n6 H. C1 @$ g9 i* E; r
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
3 ]' U5 b4 B8 x/ m* eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
0 l) k( D4 }! sthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; `5 {6 d8 x% e* k* }0 r6 t: o* u; x6 KBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a+ K. p X4 t6 v: k- r! s' P
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda- s" a. Y' L% g$ b+ h8 s
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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U0 z8 a4 d UTHURSDAY:+ G1 U" A1 v9 y" D4 |4 X* V
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as# s0 y# _# t* h; J. S1 G) Y7 U+ B
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
0 h! b# B7 K& Z ~/ Zbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
% p# a6 n% ?4 Utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
) c( _" J+ H; ?5 n6 Ghid in the men's room.% B6 z" F6 a' N$ T1 }
8 i4 z' i# P: B. m: D) ^! KShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing# J; T4 t" c* q9 ^7 }
machine -- which I sank.2 w: F! ?% n @0 o- V% O, u6 O: X
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FRIDAY:3 f3 |, W; F; _& j. x' t0 _9 Y
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated8 Q. ]/ B' h$ U# L* ?7 [9 R
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
% t* T# M1 @9 Canemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I. F5 m8 h- B. f
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
0 m- {/ n3 K* D2 W- R- M0 Kwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!) a! R3 X( R& ?3 _: A7 W9 K4 i7 {
# u( j$ J: {! M- o$ hAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me' N* K/ d: P% m! Y$ S% m
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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) Q9 t; d8 G) ^- _The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition& M- ^ T' j: r$ u+ l
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
5 {: i. M, ~+ j4 Q7 P! X2 Gor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:3 f" q8 P0 K1 |3 y. ]
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
' S, D; Q- s5 |: R1 Gshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
3 c ^: h5 g. @made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
& h% O& F6 C7 p6 R6 m% t b% vstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
) R4 h5 M) b& T( l% J: ghours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:) p0 f0 l, ^7 `6 Z5 M, I6 c. N+ L
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go$ P( K" p& [$ P# t0 L: z' W
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 `( Q' n# x7 |& w7 G; mmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like$ K% b* D/ b1 N! K7 g6 b% k
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
