WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
8 ~* J$ ^5 m* c5 i5 wwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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' B0 p2 g( u8 d9 X& h$ CDear Diary:
- s3 c  Q' ]7 [. [: b$ h& o1 [" H
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
0 ]* V, H* \/ r" v& Zweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
6 g5 r; n3 @' p' _2 g, z) X/ Myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
5 K& M0 v+ G8 Mencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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+ A' c& ], Z* a7 a9 d& g% r8 I8 \Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
5 W: \2 ~7 p6 B6 I. Z& a$ a5 J. kworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
$ d8 l: |$ i) P6 ime. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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/ ~9 Z  R) O8 z) N5 A6 P9 HShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
% d9 W$ f% E: t, U1 m7 Oalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
. T) l9 G& z+ ?6 z* {2 b7 kwas around.
2 v" |/ r( I5 U/ z' q
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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# I  l* t3 o1 B# @TUESDAY:
4 q$ ?% h3 g- l2 wI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
/ e' W/ }8 g" L2 o0 {and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" _$ _2 \' M( ^1 T+ _( M+ z' ^# Ftreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- d$ S9 |  S8 ^the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
" t+ I( Q1 g& U; D0 s( H- C( xa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
6 P7 H2 E9 I" p2 A* R4 y* Gearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
' K4 E; ~( i+ u5 r' D0 ?that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
2 N9 K  n! G0 S4 b! ?Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
, {4 |! q. V4 \' _
. c+ S& X" w0 K; Q0 j" [  G2 W5 lShe said some other shit too.
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8 o) d& G& N: S( XTHURSDAY:
+ ]( s1 S0 ~- e& `# S! {Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 t0 l* e2 h2 ?, D& m$ }her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
, h5 x4 a- `8 K8 p8 }' Y/ jbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

7 `1 L  a) x8 E& vShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
' t3 o4 ~5 p2 amachine -- which I sank.
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8 d( S# j2 {* G3 }& j! nFRIDAY:
7 D+ T4 P0 A  ]6 bI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
; J9 k  k, j* i& O' v7 x* Cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ |0 _6 u0 j, I$ Z) h9 fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
5 ~% L# b4 s. Y! a9 X# zwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

* x9 U9 z/ h& K# BAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
: q4 u" w/ Y5 P- H9 {, Dthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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. T# m% u  T& r3 v: A8 U& {The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
/ ]: b6 y7 L7 x" o, ^1 R8 Y4 @) Mteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
! }2 v! j  b# g2 Hor the choir director?

SATURDAY:
  i' P' k/ `; s2 OBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
# f# _2 P8 H, i, MI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
/ K4 v  t% C8 B4 x/ A% wand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 N# y- M. `5 h4 C% I6 |2 wmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
. w: ~+ Q& e- x" p4 Na root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.