WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
. E1 J( [+ w; a( ^5 C0 E) Rtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 E4 k$ g% e/ A4 k* `# a7 anamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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4 a6 E' F% I$ c; M9 L2 f! |My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
9 C3 Z$ E' Q) k* t  J" m2 Y: aencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
8 q5 h5 n! ~* @- z2 K8 t, ]
: W* d& x7 b0 c6 D! z! U7 tMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
% ]  L, h5 R( S" Kworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
3 |1 ^9 D8 z2 C
( c9 R$ ~. }, q- e) _+ o$ M; H" QShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
6 C4 U% k4 C) w6 ]5 r0 v- V8 U4 `in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
) M, s! z" H( @/ e; Y2 ~* `. j' j; gwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
4 n7 \2 {+ p$ o$ b* T% u- e
6 }( h! B; l/ f) ?Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
" ?, R, Q$ R) |; ?2 L, Balthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
+ j3 O& L5 o* g  a' ?2 `; l$ j. @was around.
/ w+ W4 {( e, |3 o! a  q1 s9 U
5 ]* _0 H, Q; lThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
! w. c3 }0 F, O& E. K
& t* E" y" z( `TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 X  H: R9 u0 X, [3 ~$ aBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
! E4 C4 |- ~" f; F1 n/ wtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
5 w" I0 Q' N& {' v
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
+ E6 w, _6 Z% z2 T
9 d/ I) L) q9 T  Z" Y0 CWEDNESDAY:
" g7 Z# Q: T3 z; @The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
( S& d' Y( f2 f8 z* ~5 uthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
2 ~; [9 l. e# k$ ~- w( ]  @# ?steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ q) i7 c% X5 T. Qearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
" G5 ^' M. a/ S0 a8 `6 Mtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
2 U" a. F7 H4 L! R  m0 Q- M
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
8 h' _! S5 P. q& m, i. kher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
9 r: l7 i' T* ~! V  y3 s2 dbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( J, I- d( k8 y+ a2 a; z3 W5 ~took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
3 f" V+ I! S8 Rhid in the men's room.

  v* X. l/ _( j) C4 BShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
8 l  S; q: q& Q5 Dmachine -- which I sank.
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4 }# J4 D/ A, c1 mFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
4 U/ M! N; q1 E: v: h1 ~" Cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! E; S( [  w6 W0 S8 S; g) b8 V; |& Panemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

8 h. T+ ^+ l4 K% C1 EAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
# m' i0 F+ j" Z4 ]1 h% c! u
# ^  h" x/ a0 j0 |6 ]The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

7 y* \8 c7 B/ Y& U6 p3 dSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& v; @8 s. Z5 Q7 P2 A; b! Kmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
! v5 i! A# f: D  z9 G; y+ ~strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
7 w% G+ U/ l9 u9 [2 shours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
" W) S) Y' B5 j1 G) m5 c- ]I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 h- _* z- s3 R% }3 H+ g, hmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.