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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
8 {9 _5 d3 [8 k$ Twrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
! c% I% c5 S# {into a regular workout routine.9 {/ ?! N! a0 L* r t
! Z6 S: r; e$ i( t2 v: lDear Diary:
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- ^/ Q% o; Y* ?# G' T7 xFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a1 E. N( L. T6 u( ]
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
+ w! s a; \: m- ?7 `, [' o( Nam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25! L( ?& K( O4 r9 z# K- p; Y
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
% d$ q T" I+ H3 b9 M1 t4 Ztry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
x( g [! q4 R# D8 l7 g3 K; ~named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics' L6 D( \$ F1 f0 _
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club" t) }. d) N4 h" T0 O* r7 @: H
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.* O% [2 j2 V1 m, x, p& H
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MONDAY:
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$ G" f. ?& v) j8 M/ ^8 @- [: ZStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well7 j7 Z: g; Y, B: M2 v5 e( @
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
) }: r+ F4 |8 n5 Lme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing6 |6 t1 C, ~# z4 p
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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- L+ W T: V7 a0 W. e2 Q/ ?& vShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed1 f) |) R/ b' L' r4 g% l( M& Z
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
. ?2 y* Q! K# _1 E x5 W8 o; j+ w. Oin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
: a2 Y5 E5 y3 m, u$ ~: fwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.' j; U) i% p) f
& x) @7 F6 p, kVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,' w( x" K$ \4 l8 F
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she3 d' O, X4 V8 B
was around.' `! k7 j8 y& {
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!" q7 W6 G6 V2 B. n
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TUESDAY:
& G1 _( V2 F# R* eI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door./ d7 R3 b+ e% k6 X$ e7 d" N
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,$ ~& }6 `2 w$ M/ i" q0 g) D
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
% I/ i0 W; S D0 [2 Mtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 y" a" `! T$ _) i: h; u2 sall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.# x. \4 M6 @0 D. [2 |' o3 o
+ i$ e# Z! R! U' ^. SWEDNESDAY:, H. |% E1 |+ p4 _
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on9 i' f: r# f5 G- X
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
- l+ G. H' c+ G/ M" J0 z. ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, r2 T2 O+ G. ~4 v) C" p: dsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams9 i- y# y$ i# D$ R/ c( p f
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for- {7 u1 Q9 R0 b! J- F
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine C, e$ }: c6 l. ]1 b5 Y5 L
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
0 v& t6 r+ p a W. a, [ S5 i6 \Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a* S; `* |" N% c2 L+ C& Q0 k7 ~
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda0 N' M2 H3 W) j6 {2 d" c
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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1 s0 b( L5 A JShe said some other shit too.; \6 X$ o' W1 i4 i
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THURSDAY:* t' l* T1 f# [1 {9 |
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; p" w! v9 q( Hher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
, ~3 @! y+ u/ V1 xbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda. h3 q. E- H' r" O" y
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
0 p, N+ j$ l, R$ |/ Uhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
# q3 O: L% `% s* Umachine -- which I sank.' W4 b* y ]; v
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FRIDAY:. j( R' ]& |! V$ V. S# T
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated; M# o7 {! V- N& {$ q
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
) n; P5 z; R a3 r# _8 ~anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
2 g; A2 T" l$ }could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
7 _& a# C5 e9 K6 N! Z1 S( P% Ewanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!' d0 u# R, \# @) C! a/ K% }2 H
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
" u8 O. N9 L: K, B9 f3 Ythe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition& Q" j7 ~+ C- o2 u3 o- v
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach; A$ N" n1 {" {* s* ~9 \. K
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:' R- i' p: T2 C, ^6 i9 J% h! }
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
j ]. u7 S4 A$ pshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
$ k9 @4 z8 r8 c! w, F( ~made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the0 Z2 \0 r h( V
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight) Q( S9 A& b8 z
hours of the Weather Channel.: ^& Y% k# q2 D7 v; U
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SUNDAY:" d0 s) ` V0 m8 a
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go$ W6 E C$ \, r. _! z
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,' ~( w! e. O/ S5 E
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like5 e, X* Y3 n" X+ x( P) u
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
