WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
7 t1 I" s" }& c& h( i
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
* F( i, a  o+ E  Pweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
/ |8 L$ Z+ t& m% h: Gam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
1 I. i/ X6 j1 x, W2 s. f5 p2 i6 I7 C4 j  Gnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
7 m0 E/ Y& g: \$ J: |" o4 Winstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

; R- ^* ^3 d6 @* e& k( uMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
$ _' I" m# v4 I4 n' G% |eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
" a0 C2 R: W# w1 b; L& Iin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 a* {* Q1 M6 Z8 P6 zwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
4 a7 z3 E  n2 m( S3 z
5 ^8 _! ~1 s0 S/ l! {0 y0 v# y7 h. g8 ^TUESDAY:
4 z9 m( b: Z& Q& ]% KI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 o$ g( v+ r7 ^6 X9 OBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
; E3 v# V- Y0 N: b. R. r( `( Dand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
! O* p. O& I$ ^/ g0 P0 M: p& g/ y* U( vtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
# `5 ?3 U' ?+ Z& a: j
8 S4 W  K) N9 yI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
; B# m- e! E2 i' x, R
6 _+ k9 s3 {$ aWEDNESDAY:
2 T8 S9 }, O: U2 A. vThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
5 F2 H9 r& ]) j. l9 rsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
  k  u. M; A' Z1 x* }* S( Aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
6 Q" H. m! d# C% e8 ^that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
, |4 w1 Q1 [* A) i; MBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  M+ H# j! Z: Z5 j1 w7 ]' {% e
  K( I( t% L) aShe said some other shit too.
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0 p& a' b2 L# L+ FTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
# X0 L* A( c+ Aher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

( X+ J  u1 ^9 J  c" u2 J% j  DShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
4 K0 b% U4 C! r6 lmachine -- which I sank.

. x! ^. E' X4 F1 TFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
4 V  g, V% Y1 Q# r! Iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! V0 V" N0 i( _, Zanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
8 U% j5 K7 Z  L" g; Q1 @wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
# e5 t9 A# a  I  g) B4 b
4 t7 r# m/ j8 m( \And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
6 E; {+ S6 n. a* C' H( dthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
& ^  W7 N: r; Z1 I6 P
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' |3 X/ H  ]0 V! }or the choir director?

* a7 e: c) y* h+ E# A2 |SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
3 R6 c) W; D" U) n3 D! {made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
8 `! }2 @) Z4 c" [strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
8 b2 j2 ^& @! Phours of the Weather Channel.
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# s5 f) a/ C5 N  n) i3 PSUNDAY:
8 ^7 b  e6 T1 y$ T- ^( Y! }I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
" ~8 i6 M' t- z5 Y# q0 Kmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
- H: Y0 {. e! @+ xa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.