WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
" H. t" U# B- m. S3 I
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
, Y; v. ]( L) r8 i! Yam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
7 u5 H$ W5 A' P) m) F4 zyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
& c. B" [3 Z2 X8 ~4 Z5 }try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
) R& a& F. F" P9 K) T& v! k4 qnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
, D% b" {2 e3 H+ f5 i0 ]instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
7 G# O/ Z, o2 V. K4 w
  H' Y+ p6 u: ~My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
2 r) g7 P* H/ m) k4 Z& U' gencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
4 z" S3 D. t6 ?; T7 l9 `
MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
. }, e/ l7 |! r1 x- Sworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
$ T) Z9 _  p$ n8 J/ z' A( Bme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
7 t9 a/ `! T5 Q3 _that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
6 l+ m5 ~+ }6 ?8 Nalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
2 K. t0 m8 s, n( ^8 i
TUESDAY:
# H% z5 f2 F1 @6 W4 |' GI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 p) G& f9 D( d2 A. ^3 n9 U; |and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

4 A5 c1 \2 Z; e2 r- p4 CWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
+ R  F9 v  t; c$ W) Psteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
& d" s2 M0 w* V. ?5 v9 S( ]; xbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
7 b. z9 [8 G+ t3 Xearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
- B; @8 t& w1 h6 Y$ ethat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
, P# b: \5 C8 H( Q: K- R" }* U- v: @Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) s" A( M$ v6 x7 n# Pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

& A7 S1 Y  w1 f- fShe said some other shit too.
: k7 `6 m6 K: y7 n7 _/ {
6 e9 U" |( J3 a8 K2 ITHURSDAY:
6 |0 y: d( b- hBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; E9 K0 j" ^% i+ {3 cher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
& E: f  Z- ~& g- Y( [. V7 n) Ibeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
3 z1 T  G& A5 L/ Q/ {; vtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
% B% N$ @+ c" e  \) {hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
8 O0 V) H5 D. C) [' Umachine -- which I sank.
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4 ?' _4 h( _7 S. CFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* H2 [7 H# f* V; Manemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 ]4 d9 I5 D8 f7 p2 Rcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
# O( ^( F7 f1 y+ i" ?. Lthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
) a0 x( C8 e9 r+ p8 u4 ]
8 C7 M' D2 e9 m3 T# nThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
+ a# w' F5 o% K- \1 H0 jteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ T& @% ~& i7 l; hor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
) n7 E; M8 p4 J/ @5 F( e+ Bshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
* T5 N* T- K0 d, @; kmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* Z3 O4 n0 Q  P! k8 U9 K/ ~- K2 Jstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
3 W# i+ }6 p6 ~$ J% q1 ahours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
  H7 ?. _/ z4 n: [% I% W9 JI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
) P' s5 o7 p" F2 `my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.