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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something* j* I; g* F, a, O+ b
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
0 t8 w% T, l$ Winto a regular workout routine.% z) {* x: u7 G+ w* }. [* F
8 f. Y6 t$ L( hDear Diary:% O1 C! Y- H# f+ g' L
6 k6 P1 `* f. I% rFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a8 S, h: R, f$ l' P* `8 H% ]1 L" h# n
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
" ~0 B. _" V% m; ^- mam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25' P$ d$ C# `$ P6 Z) I* C
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a; z- ~; ?0 Y$ L" p1 s. P
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer7 M$ B) C0 {# O% J/ E
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
8 W. Z* T; J# `, R. Einstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.. Q7 `1 D( I; X7 E0 X4 `) o( `
% c% \# X, j4 }, l$ Y5 Q* G; G" ?My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club% k K/ N6 K& {
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:0 i- U8 a- g8 ]7 z1 n) U/ T
- F) j/ c- R, Q6 p* s7 mStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well7 v) l. W0 q) e3 l, p1 Z
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for: z5 h+ ]$ ]" P; c3 {! \" J; j
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
; q: s, j) w* w& teyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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/ P8 B& h. x ~) Q/ ~) fShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed3 Q% g# X0 U+ m O! }" T
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
) O' N% q, O' j: l' {in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in. p( r( U; K9 ?* t
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,# |- ^# L2 `4 e- f# E! I
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she" N: q# ]0 U. @9 P7 o9 _, F
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!' p n7 B& N1 k/ {
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TUESDAY:. i3 g) y* S+ w; u& X8 r! ~
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.) I) C9 T* p7 p' K c0 U
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,0 C+ r$ H& c$ H% |
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the, }# J3 q- d. d& f1 b# I# D/ S/ y
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it ?$ ?5 |, Z' |7 Z
all worthwhile.
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( N: K# g e1 i* j" F0 [9 AI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me." z8 b. Q) e, F' a& _/ b3 P9 y
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WEDNESDAY:
6 A) X+ G) ~1 z/ Y" ?The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on( @+ f* c8 c1 q, ? I
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have% f' \; X5 i/ T8 ^& R
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
6 A; @# U$ b) t& n8 qsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
0 d% z/ I$ u9 M! p; m6 r' d) v( jbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for4 H# G4 n9 c+ [
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine% e' ]1 |4 m ?0 _2 S( g
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& ^5 n, i" j f3 l/ K sBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a8 [9 P9 c+ W1 P
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
7 X: ?; l$ k. M$ y' wtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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" s+ T8 l0 A m- p. s5 g g! | hShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:* K2 f& |# ]& x. |2 t( }- F6 N% a* G
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
5 g% @) S! [7 J4 |3 l7 X' rher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help2 L( L. M }7 j& U- e- s
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda" v: g6 H* t' M8 O9 Q
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and( ^0 W% m; ]7 E" p
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing5 o" n+ M" X& t% z
machine -- which I sank." {! C ] p- R& u1 z
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FRIDAY:8 Q5 ?- h) y/ i. K8 }
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
2 p0 Z5 z+ S# H8 {. @& W: e' dany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
/ F0 ^3 N) F7 X% h, v* manemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I, l3 W+ k- N" x6 m; R- d
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda. ]5 ^; w, s. U/ V
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! x7 c. B. j0 c8 B( M) e8 a
7 {. n) G" z& @. ]& ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me) G5 p8 ^1 g" m: Z Q, q3 @9 F
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition2 x8 U( L0 ~ E/ D
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach8 X y+ w; z& X' G, c; S
or the choir director?
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; U* e% u8 v0 l" xSATURDAY:2 K! C( l9 Z4 h2 U0 ^
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,3 [6 F g) G) V2 y6 }
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her2 u' t p" ~+ R% b3 @0 e
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the" l0 x8 P/ ]9 G* W0 ]: E! `1 p
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' t5 {% n/ g. q2 E( Xhours of the Weather Channel.
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+ [7 _+ s* i6 rSUNDAY:! Q+ @$ N6 i0 S) n) L( y) s
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
! q, u8 ~( i; \, ~' ^and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
( P/ l, v- j" q# U2 pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 [, |8 D- y( w
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
