WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

8 ]# ~* T* V2 X4 r) `$ [& vDear Diary:

0 X3 u' }7 Q( e7 C" {& sFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
3 h+ X3 O4 {7 j  i& [) h2 E& n- s( Eweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
# I* c+ Y0 u7 D6 ~am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
; W4 |3 A, {& M  ~* F; L9 }" @years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
3 q) h- Y8 t& x7 K. E& ?try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
2 d' p7 n( [# l* Y$ G0 P, ^  l
8 R# U" J% J3 W5 Y, [MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
3 Y+ p9 {0 C3 W# Iworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
# W+ B1 |2 Y. ?! H  Sme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
& g5 D+ G4 O' H: [, \9 _eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
0 U# v9 E# D- `; m7 ~1 _* i4 Q6 p
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
0 N7 {" z4 s; [' min her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

# f/ G. O4 h5 UVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
, k! g9 d, m8 \- [9 I/ L
' o% J, w5 V, @) N4 u7 `2 EThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
# f4 T+ |7 l- S: Q1 D# p/ y
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
, k0 q4 t  a. A2 Z1 e- p; j. lBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
$ _) K: z6 ^/ Nand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" L$ B0 d6 K- `: qtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
9 \2 X/ P0 i/ o! V9 U9 h8 C0 m- C4 Rall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
4 C, R% H3 d/ q9 K/ J; IThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
8 Q4 z- C: e" F6 k( L+ _the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
9 Y5 [4 n0 K  P' X! ?bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
6 t# x& ~, l: p; _that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* {0 q; [, v# o: y; F- {8 ymachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
7 [) b- p& j6 Etold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  J8 c+ H5 ^+ e5 {
, ~+ B1 T' a, ^She said some other shit too.
: j, m: {4 K5 _0 h* ?9 I7 h
8 _; }0 L4 E8 w" q8 p/ S7 P0 gTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
' R1 P( h& h! y0 J& H$ C8 fbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

: @: e! B" H' w3 ~+ j4 X; }She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
5 S) Q# a: {& r1 o
) V8 F6 v5 r3 l" \0 P! _FRIDAY:
& T' X: M0 w, x% K- A& R* ^" {I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
% ]# A* _3 O3 w: aany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
- ^9 S( t, n( j5 z+ Z/ L/ f1 v0 fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
0 _. u8 o: T* |& v9 Y% T) J$ tcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
1 V; i. X& P& _2 |% Uwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
1 s# N9 }* J! _- `4 Y
# s: b# t$ O8 F+ RAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

; a/ O5 R" Q3 x7 P9 w. hThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
4 p0 p+ C1 j0 e6 N& G. hor the choir director?

$ R4 |  v+ L/ V# h- g% E* uSATURDAY:
) S" A  F. E) W" d* [  OBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
% ~) S9 S$ q  Vhours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
" [: }) p$ c. [$ o8 V0 Rmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
- x; @  L& s. _" F2 _$ s4 p  Ia root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.