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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
% s7 m8 d9 Y: w: R% b* j. _5 awrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
( l5 F1 a$ W: P r3 E zinto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:( G2 S- p0 k* S W
s/ X0 E8 H, @3 GFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a5 X- p8 {9 }1 j8 I& @% b
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I- Q* l/ c% `7 ]7 r6 F% ~9 Q
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
* {& X% l6 S9 T6 `9 {years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
% R3 ^ E$ Q' y9 e" j/ ztry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer$ l& r7 h0 \; \6 y5 }% v! v) {
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
) V' Z F/ v# u/ \- Q* f5 z0 Yinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.! P8 l6 w- x" v3 Q4 x5 Q/ S
# o3 M3 b4 x* t! m& i1 x: y! JMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club. _! _4 G5 z, d( o( X. G$ E
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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, m1 x8 k% {# ]% DMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well5 r6 v$ t1 C$ H( O
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
5 P. B; f5 B5 _me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
' q% ?/ N9 ?# U" `! seyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed3 O& E5 W) |; t( p4 V/ y
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
$ o; b6 |# ?, q' r- K' r1 b4 _in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in- m8 p" O9 F8 {4 h9 H5 j3 m- c
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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! i1 { R2 Y+ M4 u8 q" qVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,$ V" Z" N4 B! ?$ ]# H( y4 A
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she4 ?: L- x% u. K n
was around.
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{# @0 F; o( b; sThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:* n- P: x! G+ I6 u' C+ Q
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.+ r3 o7 R, p2 x
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
+ K, J' i, Y$ q" A0 }" n' V/ D6 jand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
( [ A4 d j6 S7 Itreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it [$ {- v! `" G- \' s" g2 s2 O0 \
all worthwhile.0 o$ L. l1 _. _0 ~. d
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me./ d3 ?. N% _; T7 O) l- g+ N' D8 h
l7 h( F0 |4 Z. q# M8 I! ?5 OWEDNESDAY:* e9 i( d% W* \ O t: q
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on: U) S: `8 i( {" E
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
7 R( d* k9 @& A8 \; ]% G2 Na hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
# P8 [; a1 u/ U ~9 |/ _steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams1 i* v$ w; y7 Z0 B w0 Z
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for4 Y- `/ L+ _; Q: j: }7 i. }
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine+ e4 w- b) V* ], G) _# Q0 z
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
/ m, L/ u6 \5 Q' cBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
4 d! }8 E a" F! nmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda4 ~. J, L4 @3 j, f
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.. Q) U2 y) ^0 Y9 u
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She said some other shit too.$ |% P* |) U5 z. [7 H1 r
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THURSDAY:
; |( ]- z" H, d9 S5 nBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
T0 e. Q& n$ ?* L3 ~. ?her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help5 n2 h0 Q2 k- _ j2 z, [! U
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; ^* p' y8 I/ _$ [+ ^0 z/ etook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and8 X6 X9 ?1 B- b: F7 _" q& d
hid in the men's room.) h8 p& D( s$ E6 S" [$ ^* @
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
3 d) z3 P1 S( ]" f1 Y, v8 bmachine -- which I sank.2 p: u- q0 X4 G8 l) i6 b
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FRIDAY:
& O/ }0 ~ {- ~8 j6 bI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated8 Y6 Y3 l) e5 p- q' m
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
) C% m, z' T' P# w1 U: {anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I- v7 j) P6 @4 X, Y6 i; k
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ Y; s/ t2 `9 H% v1 b% ?wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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0 ]" l$ T7 A# e) c: o1 \2 LAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
1 t* u9 F5 F7 F* `the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.7 x1 g$ A; Y; d6 e, M
6 ~& J) r$ }( D
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition# D# F3 {+ O" B0 r
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
# o$ f# [! {: H6 ^8 Gor the choir director?( z& \$ Z# @# D$ x
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SATURDAY:
2 G4 m/ ?1 H* u; }) c( h; E1 BBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,8 R7 h; R; ?4 ]) z
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
+ M( {$ K. U# z! |) lmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
4 j3 G8 r0 G; u: Astrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight! [, N9 j" \( A9 b6 m2 d
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:) m- V, u, `' i5 ^' i' T: j
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 F$ X( E, f4 q5 P' [and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,9 {9 {: Q# k" N8 b5 @) ?/ c5 O
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like" `% V9 l/ |; y6 ]4 U. s7 y
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
