Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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! f5 n: P+ K% @$ l3 C- o9 [2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

+ f  ^. H) P! u/ j9 M3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

* |4 k0 D! j  E- `7 v6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

3 G, K5 C, s: y9 c( G; |7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

& G3 k& `0 l% d9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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/ @* ?8 C- p3 V7 I4 z' W" ~11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

+ u1 B: C$ b& E7 W! N* O9 B13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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) i0 Q5 b( s+ q# ]& d  {' U16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.