Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

6 u1 w6 [8 T! f1 HThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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. d+ @& p$ v6 v" R; i9 i. |5 Z1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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+ V' f/ A1 {2 e/ v3 y9 d2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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! O$ p& h. z7 u% ^' v3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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9 S7 Q1 R5 B/ F; }4 o6 u6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

1 ~$ }! p; J+ r7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

! k( h: c. m) }! h; c4 p; w9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

7 ]$ {9 R- c: X1 ~10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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( x' V5 h5 I/ ~( k1 i" k8 ~+ {9 Q13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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8 }8 d( q& O6 g& S; N; B. X15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

  D* @" `4 A) @: j$ H* R6 o0 J. S16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.