Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

0 u# y. _$ `! ?6 {8 o4 R; pThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1 M  Q# _9 J( |* m5 P7 f$ E, R1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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3 E) B* h0 t! w( p% A& e3 E2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3 @' ?& F3 N  t; h! u) D3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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( m  l. A% e, o4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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! Z, A3 q* q' A: g5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

/ z$ v( z0 S$ B  u0 C$ z6 A/ w6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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! T4 i# \* E- C& [7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

! g- Z5 M# J! c0 `& V. w8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

+ ]2 t- `6 W4 L" H! b- V+ v9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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" c( a9 x; Q* Z5 X8 W2 b6 G10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

: M6 V$ i6 O( V9 h4 b1 Z7 j14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

( I5 t+ h: u( {$ ~) a0 e15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.