Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

: X5 h4 ?5 N) N3 o0 y0 o6 z! eThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

3 Y6 h8 G6 b0 k+ F0 ^' A6 _& y2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

, [% l* _6 u5 Z2 }- e  [3 s3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7 x7 J6 @  e* n2 r9 ?% e4 i+ _7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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2 B0 @& _0 w+ w8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

& a. R0 b7 l0 n* R  t2 j/ V9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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+ F; N6 }* U/ Q+ W11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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* P" ]7 t" v; ]. N& J12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

2 P/ y& a  p7 d9 J16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.