Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

% Q, @  E3 F; ]7 b; s' }% {The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

  @+ G, S8 O' Y1 @2 O2 W0 t4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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9 ~" ?( A: u. Z* k+ C* d/ y5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

( r8 f/ H8 T( T3 Q4 ^6 p6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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4 ~% L6 |6 a- A& l" {. t+ y: z8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

% y0 N2 W$ u" Z0 M/ R( ?! a10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

% m; ^" v6 ?) ?8 T; W+ W- k11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

( ^: o3 U+ b' R) l- C& f12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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& g& `! b4 D* f14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

: I1 B4 c" p# i# p0 I5 @15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.