Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

( `5 C/ B3 x2 m7 q* P- ?1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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6 _1 E6 F& P0 E, h/ v2 K( V, z7 P3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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  K% O. V* |! X7 U6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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4 L. N- E4 D& I. D) p7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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' h2 I/ h0 U8 Q! F8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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) V' z! Q9 V2 {6 p2 S) n! T  w9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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* f6 c  }/ X- F* G: I; r' }" `13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

- x' q* H, w  t) G0 Y8 i8 `0 m15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.