我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

4 u2 s, o/ c5 v% m* A" o5 Z' J0 }! vI fell in love with you
; [9 o: f! `, B/ D% Y+ tAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
9 x; l* Z4 ^5 n& h5 u+ ~8 U0 dAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
" X" d7 G3 g  b: F$ p! pAnd that is good for sex

/ x: [* X4 q# j3 o8 b) X, T4 D2 LI was deeply in love
2 V  b# e& @  fEverything from you is positive
0 m0 [5 v7 ?4 W1 i; lYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
% p) x/ J% T6 I% FI think you are perfectly right
( c) |; K" m4 f) E9 vEating with sound is a pig

9 ~8 P- I5 A. [% zI fell in love with you
! }4 h2 d1 V  qBecome a fool to think
3 B; J+ ?( ]- a* L) e2 f; `All trouble things you did
& ^* {0 P! J5 U, c( z" C% vAnd that is the price for love
9 @. Y; N3 r1 r: ]# D
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
% C/ X, J; r8 w8 G( d6 I* Cand I am helping you to improve'
* ?% B$ a0 r9 B
You are loving me
/ }+ A) A' Q( f. L* p# }or that one in your mind?
( _0 B2 R, {& j" PMy mind is like a mud
/ e% o3 O" ~5 Scan be shaped whatever you want
0 a1 J, t' S  o
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
$ S0 z* W% G. fand I am seriously hurt
( a7 a' L% J% J& \; q/ K
7 ?$ @0 G1 e2 Y3 @  Z9 b. XI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 ^) R- O7 ~! B0 r
$ i$ c6 n3 o- b/ H+ n* u$ b咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
0 D, a  F0 V, L' I0 \* ~
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
, f- j& q3 p* P+ U8 e: t; l
Your lip is so soft
* G1 s% f  H2 o4 ~there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 J. D0 Y( {" h/ k# @, @" V
I am deeply in love
! E6 x0 Z4 [( }6 k& H6 a8 z5 E8 rEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
$ o* g3 m/ }4 ^7 V, MBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
2 [: m: f% l% U! Y  a6 G3 c
* Q9 H* t% k+ J0 J" V
" G" @/ J  O# c3 e% Q: RHis hello is the end of her endings
% a* q; K1 K  G; q# V7 p& m" K( N% dHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
, |5 ~( J6 W4 K! n+ }His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

& e) z/ K) |1 C, X; L4 PBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
7 U7 F3 n, `9 y3 z! e1 k
! Y; _1 d4 E0 O6 t6 d. W+ `It's amazing how I felt
6 r7 @& b2 g. L% t2 S$ U" @when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
2 Z( q/ ]8 T+ O9 l$ fHoly Jesus, you were so cute
/ b2 Y4 {3 x0 p4 M( k
1 A- E/ s! j, _2 k6 X2 fYou left me without a word
1 H" D( K( D# u  a/ X, I( s/ ~I have nothing except my emptiness
* F" O* i# v9 ~0 OMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
, L( i2 ]! c8 l6 E: M! A! Z. e* ~" K
2 X- K7 i3 _: e- t7 Y# KFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ w' i- n, q' {+ J8 ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 c- Z( S0 x' @7 G) m/ t; a就和用中文写一次
% q6 a  ?. q5 W0 @# N8 ^  V阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
* q, l6 }, D8 y  _& ]$ Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  A$ S$ t) H# J! R; t
& I4 ?' C; t0 \" c如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
. P1 t; Z: p, O7 w) t9 u* }至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
$ K& s# s5 ^, d; t) x% z闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" `, O' r. z8 T5 o7 y3 e你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
+ }6 N  A# H4 |. C; Q7 }6 M2 J; E你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
7 w  Y2 r8 }4 E1 z' z# `' Y: ]我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
( f) _, x' Z6 f% h* i不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 E$ o6 D- `% p5 H靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。