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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love2 l- G1 }4 u* L0 Q/ `
( E, ^' h- o) l3 Z2 I7 D# ?
I fell in love with you : k' Y; _3 b4 F4 G
At the first week we met# \' d" b! {& H/ l, {
( N( T6 r3 o( c+ i6 D7 k
You have charm, you have looks/ ~/ [( A5 [/ e! T! X) n) E
with full of pimples in face# O1 e% l7 z. n
As spotting sky at a summer night
% J6 P. W5 v. r- |- aThey are shining stars
( j  R. [: d9 N% s" o7 ^3 Z$ e* x) {" K# x& J7 A' C. Z9 V# Y! W2 I1 W  {
Your lip is so big: x* a# c* J5 `
And that’s good for a kiss
! a" h3 x" J$ J  y  Q: m/ FYour body is chubby
4 R) K0 Y2 t+ ^1 _And that is good for sex" q& T" [3 S/ Z1 N# i

. J7 ^5 ?* U$ P0 [( P- SI was deeply in love
/ r. n0 T; {9 h. |8 \/ qEverything from you is positive9 O: p2 L  A8 k! P! }, T9 @/ l
You blame me everything and everyday
3 A5 P$ o3 S6 Q) A! k& a& LAnd I think all girls sound like0 [8 y" v- W- G/ T3 o; G; h; P

; U( m- l& a0 E7 F( `8 S: XYou could not stand my eating
3 r. p' d: s3 t+ U5 E' s% `Saying no good for making funny sound7 @) S: q( u/ n0 Z0 U3 \% U. O
I think you are perfectly right
+ [  Q" }" P/ QEating with sound is a pig
4 ?+ m4 D. o% S' n+ q* \
0 V7 e) P, g- KI fell in love with you
1 N1 \; ]# I: O9 G! v+ r# gBecome a fool to think# u0 ]" K. ?- Q8 ^! j9 S6 J
All trouble things you did% Y5 D1 w: a5 Q$ h2 h4 b, j. \6 K
And that is the price for love2 y+ ]0 c& j. \9 X  p1 h9 v
/ y; C8 V$ z: t. v
you are deeply in love
; |( Q4 u. K+ x6 ?" o# `Everything from me is negative+ L! S0 v; W+ U0 x" \: x8 `) B" e% j0 j
"My man should be like this,
- g0 E& k. o7 b1 k% ]1 n# Aand I am helping you to improve'
' T: k5 x3 g; t7 S( |
/ M/ z$ ?. U' m8 q7 lYou are loving me
* Y2 b) T, O% l* L  e7 tor that one in your mind?
  J/ H7 _  _* ?" I: EMy mind is like a mud
7 o, F! z/ Z! o; h( d3 P9 zcan be shaped whatever you want
8 o( b1 q( f% t4 E: V+ h% i: g' O. a: X& h
unfortunalety not my heart4 D0 d. `3 }8 l  o$ b
It is slashed by you
+ Q/ ]- R# ~' \' Y% J- E3 Nand I am seriously hurt/ }9 ]: d, X# q. v4 @& P7 u
% I* S5 M! t- A- Q) F1 e9 Y: P
I will never love another
8 k0 g2 G  B, ^0 EIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , W& Y9 w( m" X  R2 I
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" m  B# T* T' W* F% s* u  h9 ~
8 ^  v. `$ ?7 X) T7 I咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
: T7 G1 b6 I' D4 {, i不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
3 u1 N2 M) \9 u/ K5 Hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
% X4 d% X: L$ T: h. F$ k0 T8 rAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
/ [: F9 u! e% }2 s: s
8 `6 J; Z' c" b4 Q" Z. z4 v9 Z2 cwith the charm,
6 n$ `& e7 k8 H( Fwith the simles.
' [3 G8 i( e4 S& WI fell in love with you 6 i, P" H) z( d! t% y! H
In the first sign.- ?" G+ z. s0 O$ w4 @7 Y3 f
As spotting sky at a summer
/ }6 W$ v5 D- x% J9 f
! j$ V' Z4 m& H4 b" i# W% rYour lip is so soft % ?' D; E! ]% ?5 {$ k3 e
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss+ [# j7 O! I" N1 P
Your body is so sexy4 e( t' \9 P& H7 F
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
1 p# [1 ~* Z4 a2 H# l3 p. N
( E1 E: Y  ?. A' KI am deeply in love, Q. b4 m" _% x9 @+ \3 o
Everything from you is so charming. ~- z8 h# C; g, W/ x
although You r so picky for me
$ C2 Q! X$ m  l9 ?: y- {  \And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
! E7 @: N2 T- B/ Z; r' e3 ~* MBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem6 i& D0 {; g* F+ @
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! p* d1 \" S3 k0 Z  f5 n7 vHis hello is the end of her endings1 J, k# u; P  o/ q
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
. @  z8 _0 Z+ C0 Z% qHis hand would be hers to hold forever6 v9 T8 a. d9 x
His forever is simply as her smile
' J7 E$ y( a+ ?8 ?7 gHe said she was what was missing2 Z/ c& C% u- V# t5 P( n, {8 C
She said instantly she knew* Z/ `# m& Z2 r  q
She was a question to be answered
) }- f7 D9 t- k% D' L1 YAnd his answer is
! P# l4 G$ N7 \( MI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas/ e0 W" n, t; _
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt: ^: Q0 J8 g& d7 {# E1 D
: ?( I" o# Q+ k4 s' x
It's amazing how I felt
3 _$ X) k7 u) o, w' owhen I was with you* k" K) o" V. B" e6 V
My heart beat so fast1 D* u# C8 C/ c
I looked at you and thought% O+ x: u0 f3 r) e8 {, j  r
Holy Jesus, you were so cute& R) M: [& c- ^9 }% N
' R: F% V2 R" i. Y5 v+ |
You left me without a word. h# o& V) S2 a  H9 T- g
I have nothing except my emptiness
: \; ]0 R7 h- H9 p$ p. mMy mood is like a cloud
3 v0 {1 b% i7 }How could it be dispersed?" t+ {( B+ e: q. Q
/ n/ i$ b  _  r. @" d$ ?
Feelings bite my heart : J" R7 D6 }- u8 M. z, ?3 @" U
You are the right one I wait5 D2 H4 C+ ]! c% C- x& p
In the depth of my soul1 X) l$ X" s, u
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: F6 u2 k: g% @9 T4 E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! c1 L, ~' u( i! k$ W就和用中文写一次, X6 D7 f8 t) z2 e; h+ Z
阿,我爱你
% v" S  p1 g; n7 B3 A2 u2 q7 G你让我心跳好快, N2 h7 _3 @( I
你让我脸发热
6 u2 |4 `* S3 N; n5 \我爱上你的大嘴唇4 a5 [' C" d1 s$ ^! _' b
XXXXX
8 b" H- H2 ]: D3 D* i- d不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 H' g  t; S5 b: K
; }  _! y$ g9 ]) I如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER5 C/ P# V0 c) Y- d0 O+ }! `
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
3 w; t9 z& P5 L2 O9 u0 O3 C闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 u2 R( e- W' U; X1 x8 q2 X
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) `) c' K9 B0 ^7 O- H4 ]就和用中文写一次
, n$ ~# R# z5 M* N7 D5 M5 o阿,我爱你7 L% l' I0 ~' P7 `, E/ A0 e, l+ M
你让我心跳好快* ^' W# `/ f% P$ u# g
你让我脸发热
2 b4 e+ g9 u' p, u1 }& x我爱上你的大嘴唇
' H4 i1 z0 d* c. z- \XXXXX
" Y# t' B- g& f; S不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
8 c; N. _- s+ a6 T

5 v- N7 T; g4 p& [+ w% l靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.& h$ e% }+ t: b9 `# M9 f, N
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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