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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love  Y* x- y' ^! }; k) k7 X) `
& |& A  I  b0 l' a6 |
I fell in love with you   V+ Z" O( }  Q  d
At the first week we met. ]# C2 @; _& |6 e. o0 H
/ }$ j0 A) H5 q# n) s
You have charm, you have looks
# q- z$ }  A& rwith full of pimples in face0 L3 V, |" L$ }4 R
As spotting sky at a summer night
: q; G, x. P" wThey are shining stars
* V( b% k/ \$ k' @# Q1 z+ t: h" d! }( d  Y, d4 s
Your lip is so big
6 C3 y3 K) V0 CAnd that’s good for a kiss
4 d4 S: x% F% nYour body is chubby
& X7 |! x3 q, C& F$ }9 ?9 MAnd that is good for sex% a4 }. S/ S1 Z- b# w

. }( Z& d; q, r2 T: c$ TI was deeply in love  V7 Q9 R( \" x( n9 k* F, t
Everything from you is positive, ^8 [* q7 Q2 ?5 k
You blame me everything and everyday4 \: }/ C) ]* A! w. Q4 T
And I think all girls sound like* g" S8 P/ p! B9 F. f/ s6 a1 z
1 K+ _% W0 {. m0 x
You could not stand my eating0 ]: Q1 P+ G) c. {: q0 c, o
Saying no good for making funny sound
- J" F% T5 C7 uI think you are perfectly right
' \: h( n/ x6 |+ D' A+ {2 {) OEating with sound is a pig
0 l9 y% K* x7 ~7 J  s/ y* J* }
I fell in love with you 1 u) t+ V+ A8 I6 C2 F/ F
Become a fool to think
- ]# G4 W6 `& ?. b, L: QAll trouble things you did- D- e% [+ L* i0 M1 [; u* N
And that is the price for love
/ M. Z* h6 K6 |- v. I& S8 Y! ?4 W0 E
' i* C5 |/ T9 l6 m* Ayou are deeply in love4 P  [0 T7 v. \1 M! p& ?+ Z4 v
Everything from me is negative# U0 y' J- i$ Q" ~0 H
"My man should be like this,
: {, K5 G3 o. z! ]) `and I am helping you to improve'; _+ v% S' L3 y7 i1 t/ L
1 R0 D: S. r& w# a$ M2 O
You are loving me
6 b3 z5 C  U( l0 \* O: P& N; W+ J1 ior that one in your mind?
& J6 O: X- Z' P& N. rMy mind is like a mud
% x$ n) b- j. b  J7 M/ p( L% pcan be shaped whatever you want6 X5 F4 a1 k$ w" {+ R$ d7 h

; F' v- u; L4 f8 h# Cunfortunalety not my heart, i' F7 l4 w% W# E6 Z, H. ~
It is slashed by you : h% U6 Z: [) E6 H- C3 K* m& R
and I am seriously hurt
9 f  B5 e; _; z% E
# f$ a6 f# T, B0 y, _I will never love another " N- F4 V. y# ?/ r. Y
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* {+ v3 x' y- a0 |* p+ p: tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

6 J; i2 S  A) t$ I
, D) B1 G6 `! }; @/ M( c咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!* u: y, T, m4 c" H" Y! y
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, - ^7 S! n" M; [
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
$ q4 a, c3 m; ~7 q+ dAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
  D' ?  C4 @/ ?0 @9 L
& W0 @# H- @! h2 `with the charm,
  p  b- t4 n- t6 I5 swith the simles.
; U& K, q& H% E7 g' ?I fell in love with you ' ^# g3 e% x. ^/ }) `
In the first sign.+ {5 p+ Q, h9 H0 s
As spotting sky at a summer
" I/ [! P* `; z: f! O% J: U9 g& m+ I: l
Your lip is so soft
- n9 U- x$ e/ c" Mthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
' U/ Q( `) n8 `+ _7 ?% C$ _$ MYour body is so sexy
- q: B0 l* l; @And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
8 I2 m0 M; W7 S( h- `
0 s8 L5 W) o' f* eI am deeply in love
" S( V0 K- b7 I1 J" GEverything from you is so charming
! }( _$ z, H5 U' h) v8 xalthough You r so picky for me
5 E4 l( R- [, y$ ?  |! j2 y3 ^3 ?: SAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
/ l0 |2 t, z5 Z( x: o  {2 uBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 y9 {; P! D4 N9 t  w- i; ?0 R* u, c

4 K+ @, U# V# C; p( F9 y( G: `# z8 Q/ u% m* r, d+ ]
His hello is the end of her endings
8 y: K5 X  [, ]% V  [Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
. U/ B/ ]6 `5 z$ S1 J2 wHis hand would be hers to hold forever6 S6 T9 Z% A9 M* q4 p
His forever is simply as her smile 1 h+ Q2 r" o/ m! |6 ]
He said she was what was missing
6 b! p' t! A& t5 D- |- mShe said instantly she knew6 p' m, L9 v- ^' s
She was a question to be answered
0 T! a: b% O& c+ |! |And his answer is " d$ L1 _' A4 ^! l6 \
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
  P' x6 n0 V$ `0 G: m2 l: ^- H, v$ y5 U* b
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
* Z  U3 w: k; W4 N: M3 u& S
7 J4 J0 b! z2 p. \/ d7 T' M( yIt's amazing how I felt
1 `7 q6 h$ C2 h( gwhen I was with you8 o/ Q/ m2 S. X' V2 P3 O3 m
My heart beat so fast
, q' k7 z* {) |* u) R/ e# G3 kI looked at you and thought1 j/ e8 O( T. e7 s) N
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
' k* Y2 P0 d5 J: D- Q
& P/ _& i8 M/ R6 f0 H3 q7 |, Y. AYou left me without a word
! z( X, ~1 w2 J+ e, QI have nothing except my emptiness
- Z# a% o5 T2 t! m: i$ z" a, @7 TMy mood is like a cloud; P# x& E/ P1 r! {3 a
How could it be dispersed?
8 ?" e( W/ ~; |
: Z: @, E# p- J6 KFeelings bite my heart ) N$ r. T% f( e
You are the right one I wait: k; O5 M1 ~: M8 n/ N
In the depth of my soul$ ^0 ^* l; N9 _  V+ L0 @
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ ?9 R% ?4 g1 J. c% x7 h5 I你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; v% Y8 T9 J1 r  B; N4 I
就和用中文写一次( {  o5 z/ W; F/ O/ K9 c/ ]
阿,我爱你* w( m+ I1 ^' O( ^5 }
你让我心跳好快& {' l: X- m0 l! C2 x: T6 h
你让我脸发热5 ~! ^6 r4 s& m* @! s9 U
我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 a3 J1 k) _& x, C- ^' cXXXXX: R) b4 i' B" X6 Q3 V* G& q
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?, S+ @/ W1 l" U; u+ L% b

- v7 w5 w5 R2 W' L4 J0 V+ N如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
- w7 L2 Y" y- @; x$ J至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 4 r2 W& L0 F( x. L' w* H
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: F) E! P1 O" W( Q0 S: @3 D; n  E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道7 ]9 _# x& A) [9 d/ K0 Z& w
就和用中文写一次. q. Q  \+ W3 u# ~. M4 q
阿,我爱你
" C& J  M; B" a. X( G6 q( J你让我心跳好快
$ g( h0 R# n# y& {# ?2 c! Z你让我脸发热# I6 O9 K( o1 k) V3 N
我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 W, h! R, e5 Q& hXXXXX
5 P; L0 w* U0 o0 e不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

! V3 n& j' x/ Z/ _# ]
+ q9 r/ q% K" ?+ f1 K5 c靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.% U0 a  T- B3 y- A. i* p4 ?
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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