我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
8 n. }0 @- D6 R7 R
% d4 U: }, y4 QI fell in love with you
" A# ]% e8 e* f* J2 I, kAt the first week we met
* z1 F+ z6 {; V# S
3 B/ R% P& J- oYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
* _2 _2 a! l5 q- y3 w' @+ mAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

! c' m  [. r+ d# A6 wYour lip is so big
! E/ [7 I+ L7 b- w6 H5 x$ ]" |And that’s good for a kiss
- m: z. w8 i+ V) I- XYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
2 X) o- c; n9 n  T: L) W+ k2 iAnd I think all girls sound like
+ [% L# F9 S: ~$ O5 L! C
) y( d! O: @& y% PYou could not stand my eating
6 A6 h' C" }" L0 b0 {4 E. hSaying no good for making funny sound
+ K, T( n% `& C3 Z. II think you are perfectly right
7 l& T8 f% _& s% r  B4 oEating with sound is a pig
# }! P4 |% q: F. \, z: f* F
I fell in love with you
' I, g" B5 u5 Z. L6 w2 XBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

# {0 g4 G* S& v# m& c5 Byou are deeply in love
' h7 ?' z9 l3 O$ x* [3 kEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
& Y% n. D2 u5 `# g. zand I am helping you to improve'
$ r. P1 B2 S& ~! C. @9 s* C. C
# L6 z* N/ d8 X/ i7 @; @You are loving me
( Q' T$ p% z$ a" B9 a- R) P, `or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
' g% D4 q, U  s! L# Ccan be shaped whatever you want
( r$ R4 R/ g7 t% a- I7 v1 W
! @$ n, s( W7 t( `3 C( D- _unfortunalety not my heart
1 R! U( k. F! R  p9 zIt is slashed by you
& x  g; O- w$ u8 e" T2 c, cand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
2 H0 U7 n( f4 ~( e: P" Fmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

  ]7 X3 A3 ^7 |& A
+ s3 N" o& d' A0 }7 z& V$ S咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
0 c+ ~8 S! v" ti am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
6 X" j1 R- Q8 i" ~* _5 j
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
' J3 ]% X3 O4 c$ {" I6 h+ v: iIn the first sign.
0 k# m) j5 R4 \( k! e* @As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
% K+ O/ |  ~( W+ _' `( ?- qthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
6 `) Z- @2 n6 B4 rAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
' D0 j- n7 c8 X
3 E( B6 C  n# p) M; i
' S  b+ n, j  r! F1 DHis hello is the end of her endings
) S2 k  T' K- ?$ U6 l# O+ [Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
, ^3 i3 A% Y0 ]- HHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
& o8 z5 z5 g( i# UHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
/ Y1 N3 _' m4 Q& aShe was a question to be answered
3 l3 }% W9 L) p# p) S* m+ GAnd his answer is
6 C5 i6 I9 r" K  Z0 BI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

$ L7 U6 Q- g9 T/ b* p- ~Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
, u1 y3 F) Y  m4 F% D  g
It's amazing how I felt
) T4 V/ O: X7 W# ?* l, U. Wwhen I was with you
) t# {2 }" C! P$ n: l# _. @3 ]$ uMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

/ V6 D" w( U# n1 C) RYou left me without a word
; z! G8 t1 \6 Z) u  [I have nothing except my emptiness
$ a& o) _" }( _- p4 vMy mood is like a cloud
; Z: U' x4 v- h. H0 zHow could it be dispersed?
; n; h8 Y& c5 h/ Q0 i$ ?
. j, R" t4 m6 Y0 kFeelings bite my heart
: ^- F) N- ^- P- n1 A) J4 sYou are the right one I wait
$ L. |+ n. j3 N: aIn the depth of my soul
0 n: B3 u6 ]9 J* P( n  ]I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
. X! }$ w8 w9 o; ?' E* G. X1 h阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
5 K& q3 a2 ?3 [, G9 b& b你让我脸发热
0 z- Z  t2 @; O$ k1 ~. ^我爱上你的大嘴唇
# p  ^8 j$ i* w: X! YXXXXX
- G" Q0 l! w5 \不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
: S+ G6 N2 Q5 t3 |至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
/ v" Z# [) V! t+ n8 b* k+ D0 R闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 c1 r3 V$ |. W5 A& \你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
/ V9 P8 k! i4 D! r# h你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# g" h: _* ]) r3 m5 B# rXXXXX
* z3 t" M3 |) ^' O  o' O不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。