我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
/ U$ U4 i  I$ Z' w( B% B3 D9 c
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
8 R+ ?1 n' K9 c2 i/ r, s
& z: l, C: p; A. M" U6 I1 dYou have charm, you have looks
8 L! b2 Q5 O( o5 s) Rwith full of pimples in face
" w; f3 m. u, l( D$ y2 EAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
$ r: R* s: |1 b4 y! k! a
I was deeply in love
2 |: Z+ Y' m6 a3 `% c7 PEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
( X8 u2 a# ?) pAnd I think all girls sound like
7 t# L" Q# K# w1 O7 K" U
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
* ~. G) _" @5 y) l. R! w$ fI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
0 E& J" z8 `& yBecome a fool to think
$ }/ D$ _, H' Y" lAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

5 M; r6 A. z( y5 r- [( j' nyou are deeply in love
+ }; s" R5 Q' \1 u: r$ y0 ~. EEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

& C4 z' I( w! VYou are loving me
: B3 c* ]+ |1 p& K; Oor that one in your mind?
& l$ F) f5 ~0 l$ U3 H; m  z2 OMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
5 A0 p0 s1 \3 e0 |% c" v) UIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
6 B) }1 @. b  P2 g* z0 l
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
: Y% I" [3 q9 c- ]i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
" \1 Y, H; }7 I  H. dAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
4 y. s5 a  W* I# ]8 z* g1 LI fell in love with you
2 u5 e3 X: v! w  ^0 tIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

/ L+ t; f. g4 [2 q4 }4 oYour lip is so soft
1 `. S/ W1 P5 r7 J* G) o0 @  xthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
, K$ |$ p; g- ?( M" y( O/ R9 HYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) G1 A+ o3 v' W& e% S' X5 L) f# s- w
I am deeply in love
/ w" P, @, p" g! |1 A- N1 UEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
7 H5 _- b" ?# a) @6 e3 V4 WBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
% p# ~3 g0 }: D* z: s( l
: F  J, D2 k* a' X, ~6 h9 Q
9 {1 \$ z6 U, b+ J7 l! [+ CHis hello is the end of her endings
6 D- y0 n$ p& L' ~: ?Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
$ W, }9 o, v$ y* T9 T6 UHis hand would be hers to hold forever
; N2 P% C4 u. ^' o, THis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
) S: m' J! j) S- m* QShe was a question to be answered
# M1 J" o' d! E: x1 B$ k: TAnd his answer is
! q1 y) E9 ]: Y7 x3 ]$ _, x% w3 T/ JI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
7 I8 d  c: q" C4 @  c- c
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
2 l7 c6 U. G% r4 [3 H6 H- u
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
! n  t; i$ `7 q0 R- i9 @My heart beat so fast
" X  U" g) w+ e) M# j/ SI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
2 h% F6 i8 F; P6 V4 D% U. ~- j
8 ~5 G/ A( H  i- S, i# ~1 n4 h9 TYou left me without a word
) a& L! }' L' O, U5 Q' S( Z  t, Z# dI have nothing except my emptiness
  X* q+ F8 g# t9 f; nMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

* \* Z- t5 |9 A  n' mFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
5 b  X5 d9 F6 O3 z6 M9 w3 C3 v. MI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  v( l1 L! s5 c5 m; j# C你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
! @. P# g& p+ u1 w2 l阿,我爱你
7 Q3 I. ^! `) h& d你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
5 ?- z' _& }' t( j* e我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
" ^  t' k7 @) _% k/ q$ L7 j# Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

- [# P6 b( J% |7 M- g' }3 M" ~- Y如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
) F( b9 k) |2 V9 l" m7 _! r1 ?至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
# B6 E+ g. y& ^  F, Y0 {9 _闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
$ j8 E( c+ j( }就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
8 b4 S. p1 w" |  O, T5 A2 _! U7 |4 }! _你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
0 h' D& h" g4 Z  \$ C. [不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。