我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

1 d  [: S1 b/ s  }  \. {. aI fell in love with you
& J# V& `2 s/ k# y) q# oAt the first week we met

3 D) \6 P( C) }. M2 s6 Z; O. qYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
( _% S. J8 z+ i0 s, HAs spotting sky at a summer night
1 ^/ ^. a- P# z. EThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
; [* l$ _/ `0 f- F) e0 [Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
/ \6 h$ S1 f; ]2 MEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

$ O6 r/ I+ E' \; tYou could not stand my eating
8 G2 p; K! X4 ?# ~: m) d  pSaying no good for making funny sound
2 u1 ?! h. @. w1 H6 GI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
; f! e2 t0 W2 u+ Y5 oAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
8 J0 }! \- [  o$ f+ \
you are deeply in love
) F2 b, K& y; u9 W& CEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
, ^+ [& X) y- z8 n& ]8 ]1 C' q0 A+ A! ~
# x7 a% B" `9 ^( V) U: z. }6 ]You are loving me
# `0 I- E* M/ R3 k* V1 ~  E) c( a- Eor that one in your mind?
5 k( R& P& P# O# O, h0 {% t! _My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

, {; W/ v! c' H7 L% bunfortunalety not my heart
3 y& J1 r  [! T  m+ oIt is slashed by you
: |$ |4 w% E. @8 \% d' f/ C; _and I am seriously hurt
! |( k- S: @( \: S" ?
: M& e: F' D" e; uI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
3 Q$ h3 \8 X4 Pmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 @. p' a& z( s$ K7 p  g
! h  t( z& @  ]# G) C咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
' P5 ~% x* B' h7 o不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# h: y3 I$ D9 \4 a- Q" y: ~! yAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

& ^: g2 p( |5 Dwith the charm,
with the simles.
# g9 p% I, r; ~  u, l9 ]: K6 II fell in love with you
7 \6 d4 K+ R) `# F) uIn the first sign.
, c3 n) m( b: JAs spotting sky at a summer
" Q) m: d8 `7 u
& k1 W. C9 t9 T' ~! n7 y: p7 QYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
: A1 e: K& s1 ]4 KAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% ^7 n* T+ N/ a, B4 R
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
2 ]; e5 d* d/ Q' |although You r so picky for me
8 N. E) Z4 ~2 E5 U! o" gAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

4 ?- q0 @$ q5 J8 b$ p2 R
+ f4 @6 d- D; y% bHis hello is the end of her endings
: n6 q4 u, n1 W5 I0 k1 Q# \& VHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
7 w6 Z" o+ b; u) P( tHis forever is simply as her smile
1 c5 g  X5 ?- {He said she was what was missing
! B$ {% b# m7 N. p& v8 N4 ]( HShe said instantly she knew
6 L1 Y9 v- z* p( X9 TShe was a question to be answered
+ E3 D+ {. k6 i" X' xAnd his answer is
/ P  ^6 d) p. S6 D8 Q4 Q1 h% ZI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
+ j& [& i  h5 T; I- @6 E% u% N6 Z
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
& f- w5 v% V  b. g/ O# q
It's amazing how I felt
$ F. g* S9 E0 k/ f! C' l; Owhen I was with you
5 Y, i% i; |) z" y1 GMy heart beat so fast
3 F2 x1 v4 U5 B, {, |& s, I+ gI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
/ V/ w! \- c* J$ h: N
+ @8 `+ a& r6 PYou left me without a word
+ `% `" A  i; f: D3 UI have nothing except my emptiness
. k& \8 \' ~' P- Y4 a* c. e, m) LMy mood is like a cloud
) ]6 z* t  Q& X( {7 |: I% m+ R) T- kHow could it be dispersed?
+ q' ]8 D5 _# [, R/ b* H
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
; D  f  L) J9 W7 s$ W8 |! D5 w阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
5 u- j; D% _/ M0 g7 y1 e) U你让我脸发热
4 Q* T; s! Q4 p$ U2 s2 _9 v我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 V4 P9 m7 ~( k9 P, TXXXXX
( K" k7 F( A! y' P/ h不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 ?$ l$ @9 C1 `$ ^
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
! m2 K, Y4 h" U6 ?* M阿,我爱你
( k5 v- _  q$ d. P' X% T/ L1 t/ x$ u你让我心跳好快
1 b3 g" Y! n3 @你让我脸发热
4 {" P! J  f8 P我爱上你的大嘴唇
( G& ~1 y" k# n# ?8 m+ R2 ZXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

0 ~! E# J/ b3 b1 J8 w: l: @' M靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
. c6 x. V' {% L, e: P7 F

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。