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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love& u/ F; c5 m2 C; ]1 @) n3 u+ I  [

7 v( O6 ?/ a& i9 t' nI fell in love with you + n; P3 F- O9 o
At the first week we met) c. q  k" B* O9 P. H' W
' K0 I# {/ J' |8 ~4 g( s& e* r7 V
You have charm, you have looks
  }0 w# P( v+ O- y8 X! E* fwith full of pimples in face- v6 I* V1 |) d' i
As spotting sky at a summer night4 Q+ o2 Q# w# p* h8 ?1 A/ @& t" a
They are shining stars: D" u6 E' k4 L1 V
+ Z% R$ W0 P- _6 f) S8 c
Your lip is so big7 P& T0 R1 ?  x/ y
And that’s good for a kiss# }! i- y3 t& M( d2 E) q$ ?8 A  E
Your body is chubby
/ w+ K. C2 t( ?/ h' d2 f* b( {3 BAnd that is good for sex
  r2 w% T( P9 j* A2 f; v
( b- j* W9 q6 w5 C4 EI was deeply in love+ m8 F% \+ F% i
Everything from you is positive! y( |' S; q: ?  F$ C# N( F
You blame me everything and everyday
4 }8 p, M( y' C( D' UAnd I think all girls sound like, G0 Q# q$ V2 J' m0 P3 ^
1 \! A& [: \9 e, p4 s
You could not stand my eating
" G& Z/ N+ f! F+ ]& vSaying no good for making funny sound
$ C  B$ X4 M6 V  Z1 {I think you are perfectly right. Q, t0 w* ]4 L; o' Y& S; w
Eating with sound is a pig" C7 C4 g  b" `) @" H
2 ^' q% ?( F; c! P
I fell in love with you
0 {/ L) i4 E7 [3 z  m% ]. d3 @$ UBecome a fool to think  k# L! K' ?/ I' @# p3 m4 k( y* y9 _
All trouble things you did
& z% m. I( c+ r7 m9 F2 K6 GAnd that is the price for love1 E8 i$ n8 ]( A4 ^' L  p

4 K' [2 c( W% q& z3 Cyou are deeply in love* M5 q/ A% S2 t6 H8 F$ X" D/ v) s
Everything from me is negative2 K! n" r0 C8 Q4 s; E
"My man should be like this,# ?, a/ q" F( |% T3 G; W4 `) u9 y
and I am helping you to improve'
$ a! c* [' b+ [% f5 q  A, u$ h1 L  P* X0 c* h
You are loving me ) R7 X, C) V; c3 ^3 m
or that one in your mind?
. V! P2 P; L* ~3 n- r! mMy mind is like a mud
2 ^  O! l; B( w. I# ?& ecan be shaped whatever you want) j& P7 s! ?' w) E) `8 k  S/ Y
  y4 E! w1 p; l; n( w5 Q
unfortunalety not my heart
* s0 R' ^4 J* ?It is slashed by you
) h' C$ D- B7 P& [9 U7 Y/ s% aand I am seriously hurt$ y7 Z1 H+ m$ Q. ^. {
7 v% v+ p( X  O1 d3 m; b- |. U
I will never love another 5 f, s  P( q1 t! W
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 + v6 }$ Q1 i8 V
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
" U4 U. q# O" M' M
+ q: P( [. b; e9 n
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!: @1 G4 ^- _; Q( Z$ d$ b
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
( P$ r6 h9 i. x4 [) Q" l0 O1 [i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.$ J7 j; j% h4 t' u9 F) U- j
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed% P. i$ a& {1 c% n' ^

3 _# _6 t- h' v9 }+ Q- ^with the charm,
; ~0 m7 M+ b! b6 |9 d- Gwith the simles.
, a" n& \0 P/ }2 ~' W1 Z1 SI fell in love with you 3 s0 |7 I* q6 {- d- W% O1 |
In the first sign.
# H: n( w5 j5 e$ b8 q- k+ nAs spotting sky at a summer : p$ k" ^( T3 L: ?* V
2 d/ k, c6 H! J0 p- i8 f
Your lip is so soft 2 r  d. t1 z6 |& y; x3 a, P
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss5 }  ^5 U  \5 |! }2 y# @7 ?4 @$ F
Your body is so sexy
  C/ ?) p3 N  o. I4 wAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 Y! `7 [- ~9 @1 X) b" r& L3 C/ t0 @0 l; S. ~5 c0 s
I am deeply in love
) j/ }" v; e+ EEverything from you is so charming
* D. z& |0 O* N' R" Valthough You r so picky for me 0 N" M: o& \0 |! h7 S& O
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
8 }& Q' F& Z2 |5 s, X' ?But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem( p1 ~/ A; M9 Y" H4 k

7 P+ p( V0 L1 G1 K
, Z- V. m: a. l0 F/ DHis hello is the end of her endings% P1 y0 P4 A" D( X5 b
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle, O6 F7 \7 m4 j* X
His hand would be hers to hold forever0 K% c5 Q7 Z5 S) N# ^& ~
His forever is simply as her smile 6 @  ]' B& t. O; l0 z! n, N
He said she was what was missing
. x$ a  P8 H: a3 ^1 J6 nShe said instantly she knew/ V5 Y/ a0 i$ J. D$ b. C
She was a question to be answered
' f& Z1 E8 u, V  U5 B" t7 IAnd his answer is 9 Y0 R5 u& h, H8 S3 K
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas) |8 h- L) o' V+ w' }9 n/ D" O
" z+ ~5 f% E7 D3 a2 k$ {
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
1 k; u& g% O. X1 }, V) B3 ?& |
' C+ z4 Q( o, D! hIt's amazing how I felt & d- L* Q8 }4 U: ]1 }0 b1 @
when I was with you
. w) j3 g) e6 P9 h, z7 OMy heart beat so fast6 w- q2 t# v3 S- w$ {6 z: t
I looked at you and thought
1 g7 ]4 A* I. i8 a% P0 \Holy Jesus, you were so cute9 @8 ~( V2 N8 K$ u6 \5 O+ ]
7 A  T8 q4 s; C, U3 c
You left me without a word/ |( D/ j8 W. c  N0 L- U/ L7 T
I have nothing except my emptiness
* ?* d4 P: s( y, V7 O  Q+ UMy mood is like a cloud* g. j, I/ ]8 ?7 s$ H2 [
How could it be dispersed?
7 Y1 E5 b+ y2 |8 p  ^
6 z$ A2 z  a* y* Y$ ~Feelings bite my heart
3 ^: K) F3 T6 m0 d' BYou are the right one I wait$ v' U9 k' p- N
In the depth of my soul- `  C4 g' k7 V
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& z& j' F# K1 N7 o$ y8 g/ Y4 _
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 g# m0 j7 U- d- R' p就和用中文写一次0 {+ a) a- B! e4 @9 ]" p* f3 T; E
阿,我爱你% Z4 v+ ^% |& ^- X, w
你让我心跳好快8 m& X3 y6 Y, d& {* W8 ^
你让我脸发热! I8 c& Q8 ?& a9 \- f1 }
我爱上你的大嘴唇4 @, ~3 R9 V. U6 P) ]
XXXXX* Z! S0 D; [7 e* i# P
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 i+ S0 j+ f2 E, H9 V/ j  F
2 ]8 K6 e9 G- |! i如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER$ D: l; R: A+ R) n
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, J- J5 G+ k4 k7 f1 C闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 |1 E  F& Q1 N( ?  n! l% Q* q" h2 m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
- y4 G* O0 p0 L3 H2 v/ `4 M就和用中文写一次" Q7 q. ~' o4 o2 ^9 o. N
阿,我爱你. h# ]( I# o0 p3 U. @8 S
你让我心跳好快  t& |8 [0 J3 s" r. U0 ^; v3 F8 A# e
你让我脸发热% F2 v& S% Y% Q. z6 j
我爱上你的大嘴唇" j" l+ t& F! r/ o
XXXXX! J! E5 _9 h. q: ]/ \" K
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
% A* Q6 i$ z4 w" w9 W% G
2 n/ c5 T2 q5 e( |
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.! d( b/ |! _! {3 H5 H
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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