WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
* A; f6 {8 m; m* rinto a regular workout routine.
8 v$ R: G7 y$ t
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
, `% L2 B& R1 p. \4 myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
$ l0 m0 C" C- {( Znamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
) J' B! B2 X: B' X& j$ \" Finstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
2 A3 I7 n3 P' n
( q% s; T2 h8 O6 c, Y( dMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
' R$ t3 |. J; i7 m# cencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
' O& A( f5 a& I
+ B/ ^3 @. ^% b! \MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
0 A9 x+ X- I+ Q9 Nworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
4 y: L3 Z$ B7 u& ?2 a0 Lme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
5 j9 Z1 A6 e! ~. t6 x* D. b2 q" J
6 P  O8 p% T7 Y0 r2 J: S( }  R: _9 `She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
6 a& E! P# o5 L- K( d$ Z  A0 tthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

2 d9 b9 [- ]7 `$ TVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
# v9 ^0 L# t+ |9 Y& k* X0 S! ualthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
: |& A! V- V: }5 E) A7 R" K; n# w( e
. j. ]9 g9 w3 s; I  CThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
) e* x, c7 b! Y: u4 uI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" g& ?$ w" h8 y# Q& ?! I  {1 Mall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

! P5 Q6 s& @! T9 EWEDNESDAY:
8 f8 v! j: g; T) k0 Y3 \+ G5 U( FThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
; B% v4 l, |5 n) G3 z. C& J9 ^the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
1 s- X6 y+ D6 Q6 R! H8 ]6 h8 k% {a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
, y7 T" l4 H% j3 A) l/ dearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
6 D1 \: Q: A6 x& q; n. }that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& v) I' y/ d, I7 g4 V! Y7 FBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
4 y8 ?7 Q/ b; c7 a* Nmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
8 H: [8 K7 r( k- ]  w4 c" `
She said some other shit too.
5 o; B7 \. V, [" I  B: C2 }- J. K. v
THURSDAY:
! W" d4 c' P2 O9 p2 W2 ~( uBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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9 x6 L6 k4 F% t, O( ~. QFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
/ J% M' X; r6 f1 fany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 o( c9 Q& p/ {% mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
5 }8 }2 \0 n7 i8 n+ Jwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
8 l0 ]/ T: m0 P& b1 |
; j3 }  ~3 r3 d9 \* {7 x; ?And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
5 }  _# q2 V" ateacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
0 l4 L( d) J: ^/ \Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
8 X- F! u% s/ m: ]shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

3 G0 v) E' C. T& J' T4 G3 X) ZSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
" J# F4 n. l- P$ p+ ^, z2 E' {and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
3 B, W$ b, P8 ?# L# |my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.