WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
5 b5 x8 I8 T( B' [  C5 M# I0 v8 Lam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

& d2 E2 @1 y2 ]3 V& O. l+ tMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
8 m$ z2 ^, [; s2 J$ v, i# k) N3 wencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
. v/ X! x9 @3 v
, ?- S! D% M6 k- c4 MStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
) E9 S1 ^- H! O5 ~0 ^* d" B  Ame. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
8 g5 s3 d7 Z# T+ @: F# eeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
! D( z1 f3 v) F* Q2 j2 i1 R
" R$ v) J, V3 h2 T4 x% g. w9 oShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
1 l9 p# W# z5 n0 f8 _" p$ V2 W9 Y# mthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
* y' o# |+ N4 ~! B$ Y9 |% w4 iin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
4 |. P) \5 O; D2 }/ Balthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
. y) U7 V, S3 w% u0 N# R5 Z  v, cwas around.

3 E* b9 u% G, G, z6 e7 ~This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
; T5 d# m/ c, s5 E2 @
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
, N0 a. y: T$ c' ?3 OBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
+ s$ g0 f9 W5 Q2 f3 s: e0 n4 e$ {1 a3 etreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
# F' B2 G" W, z/ Y  h5 s' K
WEDNESDAY:
5 N0 I, x3 U2 Y( RThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
7 t; z7 f  Y- |  R* x8 K7 dBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
$ N5 R) L9 G: qtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
; `( x7 Z% g) r
She said some other shit too.
2 b" S( T: T$ A
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; ^; U+ O) ]' D% |7 h* o$ A5 Itook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
# f  F3 c  @# C$ Q* Q0 |( R
  Q  N/ z( V7 Y, s. K! `She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
# A! {+ h& E& g# l0 u/ y
4 ^6 O7 b! j& H3 W% |9 t4 iFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
3 q$ F- A. C; m# x/ Oany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! O* x  U' o& m  s- fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
% X- q) r$ d* |8 O! J3 Qwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
. u) o, K" S/ B4 w  Jteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
" k+ @. |' r& y* {or the choir director?
1 m7 M0 e$ W1 x
& R: U, N* l% h. Z  nSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
! N/ o6 n$ n8 H0 O6 |6 w2 q$ lmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
0 T* \' n2 E, S2 }3 K, E8 v) K$ Tstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

: u  D1 L# c) b1 A: p0 x0 gSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.