WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
% d5 X/ T- k# a) lwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
( `( v- S% M0 V8 y8 S( Xinto a regular workout routine.
! K9 F. i" Y# Z+ P+ e  ~. a3 u2 r) [
: k! r/ y3 M7 Y4 I! S- fDear Diary:

5 g0 {5 M0 y+ _For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
% f. i2 i5 P% Z, a, @am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
& C& L8 E2 b  |8 x) s/ G5 fnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
# u' ~( L( U+ B, |
) k! Y( R9 r( l' U; W$ y7 C9 `0 gMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
! X7 F0 L& M: [) M
. f! p0 u4 d8 M( e4 T- _; aStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
$ n* _- j" q3 y9 j" L% X& hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
9 h: M- F. \+ L& }8 ^; z/ ~6 t
( r# g$ O3 {  d5 UShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
4 b4 Y" _% r, ~3 athat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
, `) r/ r2 U1 ~3 i, cwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

; b: x( Y, t: b6 t# TVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
/ ]: {4 v0 g. ~& f2 `although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! y+ T% I/ P. w& I/ `- ?was around.
6 @% M8 [3 B7 y6 w  p- {
7 f/ i2 P' l# AThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
4 C4 w$ W2 c7 }6 X
TUESDAY:
4 }( b1 A3 T4 C. y" F9 s+ jI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
) g( p  g' ?) p! g: band then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
# v! h# Z$ v3 b1 L
0 E; p* s2 ]- Q2 I5 S/ z, i; D* hI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

. |% t8 O  g( a7 H. qWEDNESDAY:
7 q+ b: w& S4 S) u/ K' l  nThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
' Y" M% N8 \  [1 i' r4 F* j: ythe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
; ^! h/ ^/ k" D' l0 V0 C2 z! m+ z: qsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
- Z9 V& c, h% X6 S2 |6 tbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
! N/ G& `1 |7 Y5 v& vBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 G4 ^9 x3 F) @4 t0 s" W/ e/ wmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
" o2 t5 s1 Q: I( n& }; S3 M5 otold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
1 v8 T  k& }4 e; b8 C
3 b& A! ^7 k* o9 o9 t1 G* Y' XShe said some other shit too.

0 |  g8 t( C/ C) ^6 K/ `! GTHURSDAY:
; r5 g! _& l/ uBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
. i- g7 w6 j! b! _5 ~8 ~took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
/ r8 }2 G2 b& q" i
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
5 O7 C. f: x, W
3 f# e# _: h" }0 q, H4 W6 Z4 d' lFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! V' D; O# U3 [; _9 N  x0 @% Eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
9 R  r, y: V5 T# ?
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
4 u, ^" e& ]+ B( ]) d) z- J) vor the choir director?
( [) _2 D. |  u1 ~8 ]8 b; ]
9 U% v* I+ U) I( I4 }SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ ~" q8 |4 Z! H: }5 sstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

5 J5 D5 p9 M3 o1 _8 d0 o7 gSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
* d; ^( I. @* [% Mand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.