WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
5 L& z% n) U: ?' H3 C5 N( minto a regular workout routine.
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8 S3 `/ U/ V- J( N/ U5 ^" O" wDear Diary:

$ [2 y6 s$ O6 a% D7 F- M; k' v9 xFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
% J* ^5 x8 @1 F. ^5 u' tweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
0 a0 L3 C' r% `. Iam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
3 c0 ~; u5 }& n7 X; N* Wyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

0 G% d/ J* \9 R  D% J" lMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

# F6 h- d* ?, N$ q% O* I" `MONDAY:
+ ~* `# y: T. [: T* h3 ?
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
) C7 X+ J) \$ a3 k  Qme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
6 s$ h5 N. V9 ]: R! a% c
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
8 }8 f2 _8 L: o" }: v) @that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
& H8 e/ \' o' w1 k" \% c$ P1 cin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
0 \4 k& f- l, dwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
% m0 L' |7 y! E% ?Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
% m2 G: w- r  S- ~and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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& t# @: _" H- W4 z, \) OI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

1 r9 w+ u9 @/ h5 d' uWEDNESDAY:
- |, r7 Z  d' O! s% t+ tThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
  y" P, ]8 J+ g' j7 _the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
7 g: x2 [0 g& a: Ea hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
5 ^) ^' o' w- x9 `Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
6 `# w. p2 N4 a$ I  [* j
+ d# V2 A( _4 w8 [( C% wShe said some other shit too.

9 n# ?9 T9 ~: qTHURSDAY:
9 N, e9 o3 b! Y. [# z/ h9 h" @Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
9 W' Q2 u; }- K  ?- ^took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
; A/ a9 _9 X+ }4 kmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
4 _1 g" N* v0 Q. L. _" @any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
6 ]6 p! D! U! ~1 W$ Zcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
7 y' v/ s3 c1 w! [( d" x9 Nwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
* O% P, H  B# Por the choir director?
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9 P$ Y' r* H6 B7 U! U/ nSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
/ M* l7 v% O( L' m4 k" X5 mshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
' `" G6 e; @2 @, T# Pmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 t5 W8 B* j. G( D4 _* ?$ fhours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
2 |( @' [% J2 Iand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
% |8 Q6 |8 `4 U, a( Rmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.