WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 P$ \! H, w) ?: L" z( \: a7 swrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& V7 d6 ~7 O, m6 M; K' finto a regular workout routine.
6 h0 ~7 ?( R, A# b" _# w
Dear Diary:
+ I! T. Z  X9 }
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
7 Y0 j0 @; M9 i' [years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
/ j+ c9 W! k7 w
6 t+ [7 }! w+ i7 D4 G6 Q2 H% h; s' K; sMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
1 y7 I) @0 @/ |. q2 Mencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

+ s( n' S" ?4 FStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
$ J! z& S+ Z$ H* n9 y2 e; y: e
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
* v: x- I, ~/ v  gwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

6 V1 t3 A# {1 j8 oVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
, f2 s/ D6 I& t) W
1 A+ h4 W2 s% |2 r+ vTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
) D+ r& X: O* ^% ~  LBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
7 E, P5 ?1 Y, Zand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
/ W! a; L7 s' h3 s. ?8 C# ^$ N. Atreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
, J) `& l4 ^7 Y  i8 R
# u( E6 E8 ]+ L! NWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, L" A' R# F% Nsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
$ Q' ]  n4 x5 g* u6 ^6 Rthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& A9 n; V3 `2 |5 l+ ZBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
. ?# }: T% \& @/ p; @  otold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
) F9 L9 e, O$ l2 Y8 Z
She said some other shit too.
3 P/ T* y9 n& j3 v  x  |
: h+ K) v2 x4 L2 wTHURSDAY:
+ h- s5 j' D$ K" A; SBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 Z! l8 }7 G6 K2 jbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
3 c2 I& J- I/ r7 Whid in the men's room.
. t2 }1 z# H! d7 I0 l
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
: c6 j2 s- }9 C1 ?: v
, w$ l5 A" N& W' W: K" ]FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
  ~8 K- q0 p& q8 T. a. C, p- _! aany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
. @* M0 s# n; Zwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
0 f! a) ], p9 U  _
. b2 c! j( W( l3 i# W0 T; ]$ ZAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
! A6 j* n1 w4 ~! L2 V7 W. cthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
- _  }  w* T7 B8 H2 x& j! d
5 B% x5 L5 M( k: A; CThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
' X( _: q* D! P% ]- h# {: vBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
. _7 Q! t0 z( }5 d6 z; {shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

4 Q' f6 s- q, {% ?; l( KSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
7 `: G! k( a1 P+ o" }$ c( v/ t; Za root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.