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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something A& `, n5 [* m# h5 e" T: c$ t% W r
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
* @, H! x2 `. S8 F. N" b7 finto a regular workout routine.
, X$ @, I( G; J) a9 Y0 B8 c3 f. P$ j- ^3 g
Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
% i. e' r7 {/ e1 uweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I- K- @+ o3 Z, S! ?
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
0 B4 m; s! V' e/ kyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a- R- h, K0 o% H& S' H( a* o B
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
, b8 b" R% b' E' J/ Hnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
1 Z1 H2 `' C! M* w* F; {( \instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
N! z$ Y3 m$ x; ?encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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: Q" q' y3 L/ AMONDAY:$ ?3 ^+ v! z! p6 _+ v ^
+ N) a& T- ] h3 y: G) ]8 VStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well; e5 y9 m9 G6 I
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
, |2 d" }; \1 Z" W+ \me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
, i9 L$ i; c: F7 h' U v' Reyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed2 X. g* L3 r. t7 c$ Y
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her5 o& b5 \5 J/ t& y/ e/ n9 ]
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
) D" \8 Z% _- lwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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* d8 p# v: q* ^1 |& E( bVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,# \- X4 I' i0 e
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
9 X2 h3 Y. a& `- O9 T$ owas around.) |; L! F, ?* J3 N* a
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!5 k0 x0 i1 r! ?/ Y. T, S
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TUESDAY:1 y9 e, \" m U
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.1 {' ]7 p1 i0 A2 l. _% f ?. u7 P
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,& K+ t! b4 b% M9 C0 `' Z) C
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
# c6 C' x- c% i* t9 [treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
. _; w5 D& z) u& ball worthwhile.$ c; \# k c$ F2 V; m& v2 m8 I
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. V- J# k5 R- O8 a% l" t
1 Y4 @' v$ ]9 A* \WEDNESDAY:, c7 N/ q0 r2 U' Z
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on5 N" F" d. r, H1 |$ J* o
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
. p; r$ o2 s" D; [: ?$ ba hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to. D; m1 y; h" E& y. W9 j% J) x4 G# x
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams0 y i5 ?1 t! G! L3 k
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
% M, ~% R/ l. g2 z* Eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
5 d5 ~+ S+ [0 Q6 f% Ythat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
7 E. n: c2 @, T' d4 hBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a0 C) ^; y) g1 l0 C, ^
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
( C9 E- [/ l0 j" S. E) Ltold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
0 C& i4 _5 s1 wBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as; S% R3 g- q1 {' y
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help2 [$ A+ h% x$ F. l* q0 i
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
. R' I+ T2 E/ C9 u+ J/ f4 ~took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and% v& s/ h c9 A/ b
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
6 Y( Y1 B9 h2 ^& umachine -- which I sank.
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4 J: w, ^) m) w- A1 yFRIDAY:2 k& U q. k5 b/ O' Y$ V
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: l3 d- d; A- i( @ e) m* u0 X: Jany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
8 P3 m% s" k7 Sanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: C. ?, @$ R* l: L! S& Vcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda- R1 X8 P* L3 j$ p# y/ A
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!& v9 g/ }) X6 L
2 @( _1 E# u$ U! y& c# EAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
2 {, a3 X( l$ t$ A$ d7 Pthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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7 k3 |6 n) ?+ u: v4 N: |& `The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! w9 @1 B7 E, m) j7 p1 Yteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
1 p- f9 b6 k' e8 S; g4 gor the choir director?5 j+ z* U, L0 H0 H9 C
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SATURDAY:0 R/ a* X" T3 F! K6 K" f
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
6 d, G. ], f0 i) p8 N m+ ushrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her0 b! C; A6 \0 m& s+ Q4 T
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* S: `3 A" E0 f( A2 Vstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight9 j0 e# t [$ c
hours of the Weather Channel.2 _) @& Y. M( y( z
; a w: _ q) z. K' vSUNDAY:2 C# }- l! ]. p5 k
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
( q7 \: n, n* t6 g3 @and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, W8 k0 ^! z! e
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like) H M% `+ Z! i, j* H* P
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
