WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
! R; h9 T$ N7 \+ [1 j& i8 P+ l
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
4 P4 y$ y, H' Q1 a  e6 g$ tweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
1 `- t  j9 @- v) z( n+ y2 S! fam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
+ C& B! H; d( u3 ~years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
) a+ F, V% M" F' U5 znamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
+ Q2 m; y5 b( |' t% ^instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
3 }& s4 U# ?, v' J9 v
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
, {# I- J- V: k& ueyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

8 X. x8 D, J3 A% fShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
# S" P9 C: ~: s1 C% iwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

& D& o! S- r2 G2 _0 |' s( m# vVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
6 w2 J) n! `: F! k# ?! V( Bwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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2 p9 s: f+ |7 O2 w0 D, yTUESDAY:
# P6 c9 P6 O1 sI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
% T3 T" Z& Q+ E/ k' X  f8 f7 c) D# f. ~Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
& D" S, M$ }0 q6 y8 T1 |all worthwhile.
& ~$ \0 b5 ]# `& j% O6 \
4 i& w8 x0 }. G& a" {- Y. H% l2 WI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

7 ?& i. V1 y  \3 L. AWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
: ?" {4 M; Z$ N9 Y  Z6 K9 J5 Fthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
& n! z0 C4 R3 m& u5 K, `bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
  H. h- L; r* U4 v) zmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
$ F. A% g( f; [8 Z* H" ]told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  S( Z8 V; U% J
/ z: W% S; z3 N7 P  [6 G1 NShe said some other shit too.

  i+ Z+ ]# y  ?, O: nTHURSDAY:
$ m! C  Q% h% w2 o) i3 D5 j! KBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
& A# k  r1 l: ^% N7 iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
3 _  U. h  T! {
8 ~2 Z' L% k7 C# tShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
7 D. j6 _% T% w7 bI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) a5 Y, m) B" V: n& ?! U/ ]any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
, M5 A0 O- ], B) u$ |+ Q- x2 i6 canemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
) K' {2 Q. l# v1 O4 y9 b  T7 Pwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

, D4 p+ q" b2 H1 z  T4 j9 VThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
* u* f# r( i6 L* i; E! ^or the choir director?
/ K1 Q6 j4 x, I) h- w# `( {" v
1 X( s1 E* G+ H0 mSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
2 @- v( }% n6 ]. P1 v4 _shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
$ R% A5 T8 T: j. Smade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ Q% T: r# s4 \. B4 w5 N5 x  `& Y) A% wstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
, L3 p- ~6 t0 g, l6 whours of the Weather Channel.
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$ }" q! ]" T: n) vSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
( f( e) I% B8 P/ ]( hand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
' Z& i% p' w: A6 ~my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
) _# E  x/ ^  f0 ]4 Na root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.