WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 ?' m" u$ D; a9 Lwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
/ ^7 V1 m& D3 ]2 W' O& T
4 h; t! B6 t' T5 d/ I  d$ `; R0 w& ~2 EDear Diary:
/ g4 x, e# i) @6 X, o1 s
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
9 p2 _0 h. Z/ }+ G$ lweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- f( \/ J" D. @8 m7 z9 i* S4 zam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
' U  E/ G  U0 q1 k( }4 Zyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
$ C- A8 a# c: F( o& T3 u% tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
' n1 }3 E8 f. Y; H, U* N- x! h& S
4 N! a1 S  e1 c5 XMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
4 c; S; S7 ]( N8 I9 {4 fencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
) u' C4 y+ E8 R: r0 u0 S: `9 R. K
MONDAY:
  }: S2 G  P& D& N3 z1 T5 m
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
% P7 s  q, S9 Uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
# O. t  X2 M5 P# m! p$ ^
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
: f( r1 s6 A( s. ]which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

! S. M3 O+ d, ?% e5 o" xVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
/ a. V" I# F; m& a0 Xalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
( M  |2 h) j8 N/ }- d& L  `treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
# B7 A! ~! ]8 F2 S9 J) @) U; F: wall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

( `  W( K" V% Y: q2 aWEDNESDAY:
1 P& k: h) M& L  k5 o& YThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- ?! ~, U( @; C6 E# wthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ ]7 t% v( @+ k- y' d! R7 @a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
' V, F$ J+ B3 e) \2 G0 aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
: p; p4 S" i3 Y0 [- ^; Nthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
* o5 g8 [8 U! T/ \5 L! z! BBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
1 Y  [. d3 z$ `$ s) ~& m5 ^6 ?+ Nmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  k; W) d7 w, u0 g" Y) G
She said some other shit too.
0 X6 m) V6 g. S  D/ _
2 y+ k, Z2 U" O2 j5 ATHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
( Q: x  k0 q: H$ hher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
8 ]& ~+ X# |0 j* {9 Sbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
  S4 i8 ~7 J. j# }& q- Jtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
) s& r5 W* s6 c; x: n- U
+ g$ Z2 e* P3 j3 aShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
0 A8 l; E5 k2 _; o- r; }+ ~+ ymachine -- which I sank.
: C5 U. o0 L# v2 u& t
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
5 h$ _6 _# W2 P+ a( Uany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* I9 P# m3 u! ]" m; G) M. E$ Lwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
6 V  p, o% S5 Z* u' D
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
! l! x0 @, F! A2 M1 w7 t! o+ s. U
) F0 c* K8 ^4 Q7 X3 iThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
  ?0 T3 [7 \1 J. Q, Qteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
. x2 e% S; @$ dor the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
% ?! B0 V! Y; U# a: b) ]6 Tstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 M) h0 r) o: ?' V& {' B+ Hhours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
  }( {/ N1 q0 m7 iI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
0 q7 j+ X' l" Emy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.