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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
3 ~8 _, Z. w0 Y% \4 ?& M3 ?' F e. Cwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
3 {$ ^6 V( o X w: Qinto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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, o3 ~& R" ]& c! v6 nFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
b) r* `& W" d( yweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
' ]; Q5 H! l) v2 X' B, ~am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
3 u i7 K5 C, }2 p8 O: B" @2 Kyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a7 H: V% _. n5 |) [( W; P) @
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
K# n9 P" R/ P+ U% I, Mnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
2 O- ~: G& x- \; g! H' u* vinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
/ ~5 `' a6 E: u9 K9 s$ dencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.( i: c; e u" T1 b0 I( {2 V
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MONDAY:
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5 N7 Q3 z% p/ j# r; m" Z, iStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
. T0 {6 a) q" P' _3 B' @worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for9 Q2 n$ @$ H! O
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing- Q% w. r. Y/ e2 ?0 ?: _; V
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!3 | ?1 x6 n/ L, m% L' N$ Y7 w
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
" m7 j# y% g3 j; m3 G! Pthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her1 x9 @4 A* d. u1 R3 [+ I
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
& e! Z% O; l# h1 X: Jwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.+ J O) q0 D% M9 o- n
& ?* F( o+ H- g- X. b$ aVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,5 P4 t6 n4 F& r! c0 i' U6 B
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
}( V4 `7 L6 D# j8 iwas around./ \) D! s2 `* }+ H) t, [* Y
- _" j9 I1 q8 gThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!' v7 j0 T' G: n( k8 D! j
3 @6 p( g( q2 G" dTUESDAY:
7 X- Y) p7 w; Z% h# ]I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. w- h( T# }; }' m) u' l
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
2 o0 z3 m+ X% ^and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
) g; \! d; r0 vtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it, e& e E8 Y+ L/ D8 b$ J, X
all worthwhile.- }. ~, _3 J6 p2 O6 f
" ~( `6 w. o8 }) ]I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* y% |2 ~0 f: \( {% r# _
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WEDNESDAY:
0 w4 r) s1 Y- g' V0 m7 QThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on% C2 Q* f6 v: g; ^' J6 x9 J
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
; S( g. k$ n9 K8 P2 ka hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to, f p3 S) W0 G: d9 u' S) a5 y
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* g( n: h* e/ vbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for8 d; {. H+ j7 c$ C- m: t5 F
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
7 Z2 W* W0 y1 ]6 ethat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so4 p& I( z( L5 m
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a$ U, N! q/ J8 Q% k3 I8 e
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda+ @7 q, w( l G6 _( j! [
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
; T6 Q9 T" L1 \, y% Y' l6 iBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
! J5 T- U0 Y- O. L9 r# yher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
0 \' o8 g- L. }) Z! z1 `: N- Q9 }9 }6 Hbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda. u* _/ \1 M! y4 l
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and: Z* i4 y6 n, o1 j5 S
hid in the men's room.
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' I- [! _2 |7 p7 J( t+ r U& Q; CShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
+ C5 T' b# p5 e0 l; rmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
- ]: ~, ^0 O8 q; R1 R R8 lI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated J6 r1 C4 N7 U
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 A$ c! b: U$ u" \- d0 janemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
1 z2 e9 _1 t4 jcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
1 n2 L) j0 D7 }5 H5 Q; G# Qwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!; O2 s1 C* Z- \( \( p
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me5 K9 p& D; U: S
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.: E5 i0 B4 I! i6 L6 c6 B/ ~: S' J! k
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
4 D( ]7 \# L$ T& Z# zteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach; J4 k+ }8 C# p" e: N
or the choir director?: G9 N9 K W0 Z: q' s& c
$ Y/ \2 L& ]( {4 S* RSATURDAY:) Z1 z }0 z4 a$ {6 w
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
4 Y5 v5 ], H' lshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
, z E# t! O, z5 ^. v+ Smade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
. w; j" s" j8 Y6 f/ \1 t5 nstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight, e* m8 f" _/ Q2 ^7 {
hours of the Weather Channel.# A# r3 n* U% m4 }
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SUNDAY:2 I1 W* ]$ \% U' k) h
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go1 f Y$ v. ]" A; [3 J7 ^$ v
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,% p7 T5 v: h! f4 E4 r4 {
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
# y' U# d+ b9 ta root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
