Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

% r3 Y+ [6 {1 p7 A3 |. w" N1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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) q% f# U% q: Q7 T3 q% Y# M2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

9 A# s- G; n8 e" G; x3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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6 p: C1 Q4 l" e3 x2 l% _5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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9 `/ Y* [: H: p& m5 a; l8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

; W2 }/ g. j4 o! ^8 g9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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0 \. y7 R+ k  I( w9 T10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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% Z7 ?, y, k9 |- x( ]11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

% e( _3 s- t0 h* N12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

8 S( Y, N0 V4 h/ W& l6 T+ H" O15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

1 h8 e" X! B" i) n0 g16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.