Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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& \6 j" l4 g) E! b* tThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

6 L/ x2 r9 e) u/ S+ p. N) R' T. a2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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/ M) t1 [0 t3 U- B, N9 J7 u) Y5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

9 B7 q  ^2 G( Q9 j8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

0 I4 T3 q. n5 s* n' E& R' ~9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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6 W' h4 O! V& h* H13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

; V# d+ A. y8 J$ z! S& S+ V2 |0 H14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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8 i- @9 f+ O& c$ m15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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* w1 f/ F" ]6 ^8 |6 z16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.