Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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5 Y9 k) o1 u4 B; ^1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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$ ^8 f3 x( R; \9 ^% w5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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9 D5 f" J- j7 s4 }9 s- `6 m7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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7 r/ x$ p/ F  e8 i9 k, H10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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) y/ M  X1 J4 m3 j$ w) h1 b! ?12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

0 t1 u( ]' O& d' J: ?13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

7 m0 q, M' r+ W9 ~) L2 d0 C4 Z9 b14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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+ `+ `5 Z: `/ L  O2 K9 L15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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  M0 Q: [7 A( d* j* P16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.