Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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2 D+ X; V$ s( XThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

7 p, W) l* A8 l  \* q4 h- W/ Y1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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3 m" m  o. f# {  s6 E2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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; }. t: S; m& X" ]7 {4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

9 V3 K5 S$ Z" F$ I. D9 U' ?" u: W8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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5 c7 `, h" I, g& ]) ?9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

% m6 K/ H* z5 H+ B8 U# K" k* i3 k; Q: m10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

- Q8 O0 `3 Z# {& e! P11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

# z% o# M8 M% d13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

; T* q8 ]) ]3 n- P14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

: r) J  l$ U  O' S15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

: o: `8 r% Y+ G) Z; @16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.