Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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6 H& ^: C1 s# r1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

" c$ u( M4 |9 Z. O! h+ Z2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

: ^4 I. d# p; \/ m" b# S3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

" W3 M4 I; r% b; i% G. I4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

8 r8 J6 C& ?& R, K3 N( ^3 ^7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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  @$ c6 Y2 m1 }+ G8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9 ?1 a8 K& v- M' _! Z& |: b9 ?  G9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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" A. r$ W5 [5 b# x16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.