Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

' N0 p9 ]9 L7 x7 [! A1 `1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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. e, M2 t9 U- U- B; ^& F, u6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

5 i$ W2 {6 o' d. q$ [& A1 U$ _  T7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8 Q* N! r$ d, w$ X8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

* |4 k/ a0 k) m- J4 `- H# `0 J% B( F13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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" K2 c+ q0 [) \. `/ L' [15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

6 x( A3 k# ?$ J0 F+ x  |' K* O16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.