Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

$ C- z2 U. _) A) m9 i* Z" k2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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3 N: a' {: I) I+ z+ P1 m6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

  [# K6 Z! ^* N; J) A8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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( U8 a9 u' C$ W$ w# O9 V) L, J3 |9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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" r8 x6 F; U- t( {( }4 s! r/ w10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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3 D! r5 |: Q3 h/ ^/ M11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

* v# W& L2 Q4 ^4 f/ j# [- n6 s12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

8 h$ q- Q5 b  _% \( a/ q15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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5 b! h7 ^: f- L3 P& l/ b( {16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.