Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

( \" W9 z; F& P( ~0 s* Z! ]The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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( u) S: C2 m1 e4 @% k4 q3 O1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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+ k5 t5 e0 S! `9 y( w+ E& ]2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3 C5 R8 h* Q* ~3 V+ z; ?2 U1 x/ r3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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& u' I8 Q  n, @. ~, b. P! m4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

6 {  m, @' l2 g5 q5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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. x$ |. |" _- @$ N4 }6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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, @' h7 S* q/ M4 P+ h% z10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.