我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
; V' Z; d, N, A& D
7 p5 [3 ^; _' Z  j3 d1 U4 R1 v2 f! A. iI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
3 R" a, W' ~3 d1 R3 T( Lwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
  b! _) @3 u5 V( j! _' s0 xThey are shining stars
) @6 j0 y1 w  ]
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
' m+ D+ A% S, d6 C$ w0 FAnd that is good for sex
5 S( f3 s4 d/ A/ G
I was deeply in love
: j. S1 \: g+ g% j# [Everything from you is positive
: ^& f0 J9 k6 cYou blame me everything and everyday
1 D" E. y1 o1 n% e9 VAnd I think all girls sound like
( }% [. G* b5 w* l
$ {5 h) K) K" o2 x  ]6 Z& RYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
+ K$ `" K& z+ K: }0 mI think you are perfectly right
5 m. q' p- C+ ~! M/ c3 ?. fEating with sound is a pig
$ e, K% Y9 q- X1 O& o
I fell in love with you
7 J1 _9 d% g0 w! FBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
0 C5 f1 w: S# fAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
8 f# m  Z( j4 p, t$ u6 {4 H' `7 v2 g
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
. R0 r  M1 N1 i- x% h0 c. SMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

, p5 H2 \1 K0 ^unfortunalety not my heart
" {) T5 s2 n3 _7 H2 O3 ^& QIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
( v$ m# O1 c& H% H. [If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
  c1 O, @. s: p; m3 N, e4 umy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- ~6 O' i6 X2 }3 z1 ?$ w& d, r
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
3 O5 A% R5 d/ Z; ^# ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

' k  W1 v' w; \0 D) S' Owith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
9 m: ]# y* n$ J  y0 p, L$ N; A
$ T3 f, b" L. k3 A/ a9 [) a0 KYour lip is so soft
) C. U3 N2 M- ]* q2 ^# `- bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
2 O# S0 ~: e, M) Q2 \0 WAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
( ]5 N$ l0 M' \% c
, ^6 r: {# M" \" cI am deeply in love
  A8 L& c& d% u( k6 j1 zEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
) u# R1 t) Q! w) EAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
& e7 v5 Y' a0 j0 l
: \( k: N" s# k# F, I: T) F1 j5 e
, ?* @: k7 V! V7 P/ ]His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
9 t* _4 }( R2 s: EHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
5 H7 ]' r( ?9 t4 B- aAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
  O! M, [. u. H# i. J7 _; u. J) a
) M- D0 E' S/ b' d0 m( ~1 ^2 JBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
# y% ^4 R& V8 k+ O0 O! x( |
& X9 {- a5 o% YIt's amazing how I felt
0 n: J$ G1 Z/ Nwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
0 v6 t0 @, h/ ]. O8 P* b. z% sHoly Jesus, you were so cute

) h1 L3 q( P$ s. s, z* _You left me without a word
& a4 H- r; ~# C& kI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
, O% A2 p3 O' U4 w5 UHow could it be dispersed?
* ]) T1 W7 S8 e* x/ x
Feelings bite my heart
1 D# R' p0 Q, k8 OYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
7 A+ ~" f9 j! Y, M) pI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
6 {: I- `8 e( R# K5 j+ O阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
/ J) Y7 d7 m6 H; ?你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" F* g$ r% L6 j* q  [XXXXX
+ b1 c, U& l  i9 Q: L不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
! s( D+ U. }5 b; x1 T
3 g& r2 B) I" I; W如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 ?0 u+ P7 I, P! {) S7 k你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
& f. b1 ?, r: f( f1 Q阿,我爱你
2 z' u' s5 J# V" b你让我心跳好快
$ c1 v' |# H: E你让我脸发热
' Z3 |9 S7 T2 O4 d我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

, o, ~( c/ u5 b% C7 b5 H6 p. A
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
! g- u0 `* q0 ]# v9 N! T# x

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。