我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

7 l7 H" {. ~3 X# Z9 b6 ?  b6 f5 wYou have charm, you have looks
) k. v. E6 D, s+ Twith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
0 k$ \! ]; q- ^/ w  A
  v7 C, i1 M! R9 ^4 Q9 xYour lip is so big
( J% O' c# w' R/ G2 w! Z' u( S/ uAnd that’s good for a kiss
2 H; K! T% a4 V: R$ vYour body is chubby
+ |- d4 r. w) |2 ]And that is good for sex
: _0 ?1 L+ z& B5 A  H+ j
I was deeply in love
6 F; Z9 g# d; @' k+ _0 fEverything from you is positive
1 a" T* t, ~6 CYou blame me everything and everyday
. J7 [, P- C+ E6 H! ]3 w. o7 mAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
0 o6 r/ ]  B, W6 y9 i" y7 fSaying no good for making funny sound
) z: m7 s/ {4 J5 V+ z# UI think you are perfectly right
* n9 X9 M; o# zEating with sound is a pig
6 {& j9 Q  s2 [& N# q4 g: E: |
& j( O% ^; }9 u2 l! M4 c( pI fell in love with you
# G# q3 X" U. D$ [2 r, WBecome a fool to think
/ e, b; \- z1 X) X- y# MAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
& j* C+ {- g. r2 ~) U
: {8 O& d/ C; k" }5 G9 Q4 Gyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
4 W& X% f, F+ S& ^and I am helping you to improve'
2 D" U8 U6 y3 L4 n9 c7 V) a" J
: u9 k5 B! {! yYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
" I/ h) |) c9 r! F- M$ {. @
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

$ }7 k/ B' s7 d& v5 K' wI will never love another
* z% s7 _( g" h0 l) e# H# BIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

0 [" r- b# K  ?9 @
6 x" S9 i% v. ?# p. R3 q8 f0 T咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
! a1 W' v; K9 E& a8 q% s7 ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 L9 t+ ?& P  ~2 y& ?And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
% N2 O) S0 k+ b
' V, @! i7 O& p$ jwith the charm,
1 t+ X. _9 S: @  _1 `8 s5 t* e' Zwith the simles.
% P7 Z' k9 h* B  V" N9 KI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
+ [( H7 i: z9 y' _$ I- T% S6 \5 ?
Your lip is so soft
7 \! y; ?& K$ N$ ]- g; Pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
& d! X" J! [8 V5 T# AAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
8 v$ e; C+ n; N) j! q& K
I am deeply in love
" [, j1 x& `/ V& o# U' Z. C% JEverything from you is so charming
7 ^+ A4 ^( b" `: |& ialthough You r so picky for me
* i3 K, v8 K3 eAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& h) G, b2 z5 e( E5 T5 UBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
: O5 y% G( |) s0 Y
$ x2 k8 b9 ^9 s
His hello is the end of her endings
$ x' Z2 U1 v, ?, GHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% a! }' D! F9 i8 XHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
3 R: w+ F4 R2 b' A0 S" o% T% FI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
! {7 C. t. n6 \9 T7 ?0 G6 u. o
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
' ~  C% `+ ^5 r1 F; m$ `6 Y- Q5 mI looked at you and thought
7 O' `, ]7 \/ r! }Holy Jesus, you were so cute
( v$ q1 @7 w) U+ @( ]5 y
- z3 J0 P7 x1 [+ cYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

% e6 D9 q( Q( Z6 kFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
  t( W3 ?0 Y- oI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ G6 T. r& O* k! d你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
* |9 u( ?8 I4 G你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 U/ t, [. c# m1 |XXXXX
/ k% _6 j+ c7 T" G/ D1 t不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
0 p* ^" U* ^7 `/ ?8 `闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
3 e5 C) v" M& Y  p9 ^3 r你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
  ^/ z% X" L3 V9 ?1 g6 s" g我爱上你的大嘴唇
, e' }3 X1 ~' mXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。