我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

* W: ^' E3 I, O" b8 E# YI fell in love with you
5 K3 B, A& z' g1 m* d3 \7 dAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
0 O4 j5 U3 c8 Z5 @- L; gwith full of pimples in face
9 W# [* Y$ |% G9 k* RAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
) u9 \8 @2 S( D0 U/ [4 B
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
$ ]' ]7 X; A& b  l4 yAnd that is good for sex

  a! ?: a2 c& B, `' xI was deeply in love
; J9 a0 g* @; x& w! \Everything from you is positive
2 k5 q  @  y' ^+ P1 N% v/ WYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
# L  m) n- h; }' M0 P7 f6 {I think you are perfectly right
2 C$ j& u$ ?4 CEating with sound is a pig
' w4 j; H8 _/ J) |1 K8 a
I fell in love with you
" Z9 ~8 ^; j( Q. ?7 s8 FBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
* |0 _( p' t  u: e* K$ D- m3 m/ P0 oAnd that is the price for love
; @) c0 R: }  j
you are deeply in love
% U2 M* D/ e, Q9 b* A3 r; GEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

1 B" s: |1 e% |You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
' i- Y' ]& N' S. t3 E
unfortunalety not my heart
% M5 o, g& I6 b# R- OIt is slashed by you
3 j3 i6 O8 v& ^$ o- _# q' Eand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
" {7 C1 J6 g8 ^) ^: g: Cmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

2 M- l8 q% a8 e1 \" A& o# `咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 ~2 d5 E: H, ~& gAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

/ L. V3 o7 K5 s# I# x, g. N  awith the charm,
with the simles.
+ a" s3 b) a2 I" fI fell in love with you
7 X; a. v" K, X' x4 W- B& UIn the first sign.
* ]' V1 j6 e0 ]$ p: |! uAs spotting sky at a summer
  r& o" P! k" z2 _" f
! w$ J- v' U7 @1 AYour lip is so soft
- f7 A# y: E: u5 X9 }3 ]- i  A3 Kthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
9 i1 d; Q# g. F/ W. S1 HAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
: I( I3 n1 E: d
; e& z( r  j' @& Y( p+ {+ E4 f6 {I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
2 N8 }3 ^9 v/ W' Y. j; _although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
/ b! h0 c  R, rBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ D6 Q* }9 A$ f) e0 `

His hello is the end of her endings
( y( |3 _% r! i$ }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
) Y3 ~0 ^; z3 M# }He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
8 T( e' p4 Y1 ?$ F2 b# u! iShe was a question to be answered
& x' W: G5 A8 eAnd his answer is
$ O. ]$ s3 B/ H: w2 A1 A3 u: FI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

. c$ _) e! j3 C4 N6 p: h0 |Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
4 l& o8 `, z% K. }  ]
) I, x* ^/ }* m. j' rIt's amazing how I felt
8 N: h/ p; z0 l3 Ewhen I was with you
8 l6 ^( D! P8 NMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
& D, h1 ^; R6 C4 m# CI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
! n4 t0 G) g9 b$ o1 bHow could it be dispersed?

2 \. h/ D2 U% @Feelings bite my heart
) B8 F$ X/ `9 x. OYou are the right one I wait
$ ~* s( Z2 Q8 I" e" s% M6 Y# `In the depth of my soul
9 s' C- g% P$ N- R* r+ gI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
' Q% Y: j, G! @( H* D; o" X你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
3 p, }# Q  z- f9 A: N' D5 K8 m阿,我爱你
+ ^/ V* l5 ~  r- Y$ b8 @你让我心跳好快
  s& k5 d% q2 X! A你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
+ f3 V; k( R! }1 ^不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
+ Y% B6 k9 z" W: Y# ]
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
" M# t2 }! {" o5 e; A8 {$ {至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
1 ]  d" @! @- Q2 o) P4 j( [$ X闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
5 G4 Q& y$ t' f$ |; i3 Y- M. ~阿,我爱你
& o- N3 C8 x+ v9 z你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

! @! [/ R1 M; }3 E! L) S
. y: x/ s6 {7 i& c' B- Z/ t靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
7 W6 D  t: \) [, M. C

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。