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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love- ?" G; q' i% N  |- X
6 b: S# A7 ?6 k( S8 Y, Q
I fell in love with you
) U; _, N: G5 C$ H4 CAt the first week we met  y" ?1 F, r* g) `

7 f) z- {3 Z) {/ ?You have charm, you have looks
* a8 Z, w1 p/ M6 k, `$ N8 fwith full of pimples in face
3 n* u% q0 h  c* A7 QAs spotting sky at a summer night* L3 b, b4 e. M' {5 L! j& ^! Q2 S
They are shining stars
% t, ?: Y/ |  B5 p8 e4 x  W7 h; p! A1 Z
Your lip is so big
2 q, j; C2 `' x4 I4 GAnd that’s good for a kiss  L& ~0 V" _2 T) D- O: M+ t9 x
Your body is chubby
2 U0 d# G7 Y" ~, [: c. E6 nAnd that is good for sex$ F9 I9 O" m. M1 f
) i: W9 X# Y* z( W" W
I was deeply in love" j. b3 b# n% G/ k
Everything from you is positive3 S7 d: t: C/ d* d3 m0 Q  i
You blame me everything and everyday9 \! R5 X8 f7 m) |% a5 q3 D. G
And I think all girls sound like
' e, k. r) G$ I" g  T2 y0 a6 O9 N! Z' v( F& |+ G) u4 _
You could not stand my eating% h- S- Y) B" Z, D8 e9 i: i! q
Saying no good for making funny sound+ {: K, N2 I# E. \2 I! h+ b
I think you are perfectly right$ W6 F8 R/ n% \; B. p& q
Eating with sound is a pig
* i3 `3 z# q0 C9 _" G6 ?1 Y. ^. C1 Z7 D  s
I fell in love with you
+ M& N6 P( I5 L& J# J2 J* O; j& iBecome a fool to think
; m4 z8 U0 {- L& q; ^, m$ d$ ^2 lAll trouble things you did7 Z/ D' t9 c% O; `0 Z4 ^- W
And that is the price for love
8 Q) Y6 B! ]' e* J/ A
0 \$ E3 z0 C* o! V( Byou are deeply in love
% F7 L" L1 V4 Q: C( MEverything from me is negative
# F: k' q1 J0 E- h2 }"My man should be like this,  C( c3 U) D+ }1 d/ o! z& H
and I am helping you to improve'
3 M& e8 ]+ q8 {, q3 d3 ?3 K  e: S
6 h/ {' n! V! {& S$ vYou are loving me
2 k+ T5 S- _/ Z, u1 zor that one in your mind?
; Y: A8 k3 s, r* d8 p/ h) PMy mind is like a mud9 `( `% z% P1 E% G+ a: i
can be shaped whatever you want
" d" c1 g  l5 K$ H% l8 f0 W* |
9 O9 ~2 E& a0 K% Dunfortunalety not my heart
3 G) j: k$ P! }9 ]/ T  h  [- P) e. e+ bIt is slashed by you
7 X$ i0 ^" R) Tand I am seriously hurt  o1 z. E' T1 S# @
. `2 e8 J2 e* L- o  e% k6 \- ?  ^- r
I will never love another
3 V% W9 Q# w- K; tIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 5 W) s9 G7 Z4 @2 Y6 q
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
; O9 Q' K5 |( k* C4 N9 a, l0 B不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 9 A) `& j9 `7 B* E" C  t
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
4 A! _# s  v3 B% e( uAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
; E3 E9 y& T$ e3 @5 `! O/ E
9 l  Y$ u: W: N2 F- v, ]with the charm,5 R; [+ f+ l/ P; a; \: [) Y$ c
with the simles.
' b4 f# B( \) @+ x( JI fell in love with you ( t9 F: Z/ D% y7 p! x% _
In the first sign.+ Q4 [: I8 J% D4 ?: M8 ?. q
As spotting sky at a summer ! }; g6 R& d6 @6 \- i, c, J

- [$ L3 E" C4 M6 gYour lip is so soft ) `; w: J/ |6 b' }
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 F7 w5 X: n+ D& s, [; P6 b8 B% q8 xYour body is so sexy
. \0 i3 x. z; T" V6 n2 @And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
1 p) J$ ^; [4 s, }, ^, p
/ i4 l1 x4 h2 q0 N( o* b3 g% YI am deeply in love( K1 Q' h9 @7 }0 r+ `3 P0 h
Everything from you is so charming3 v0 g& F$ W7 O$ q8 s% R% H
although You r so picky for me 5 C8 r- h5 j+ @' P( J( `5 O
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 t2 r9 @: A9 Z% a# yBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem1 n, o) q" l" d) {$ E4 y
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# O9 U: u. M, i: o5 \
His hello is the end of her endings+ {! B& r, s& ?0 k/ K% `
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle7 o6 |( |. R; r! W. @
His hand would be hers to hold forever
# z2 E2 x* o- U4 z+ D1 f3 c9 i! cHis forever is simply as her smile
6 Z# h$ X' I' w, QHe said she was what was missing& g8 L" v6 o4 m* Q  {4 O) \5 ^
She said instantly she knew) X! a0 f: _; `; a% J
She was a question to be answered2 V2 Q/ |, x5 D# P4 z
And his answer is , }" W7 }+ |( z# B& d( y% I" F
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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( P9 X7 e  R) F3 rBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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: [' ^3 f! O/ [( b1 W) j1 a/ P" `% XIt's amazing how I felt
9 C7 |" k; Q2 v4 [when I was with you
9 Y6 p  n$ E+ YMy heart beat so fast
  a0 v6 [. b% o5 YI looked at you and thought
8 g' z; G" Z2 |% |; \# lHoly Jesus, you were so cute% x+ B  V4 Y3 Y: s4 `3 n3 f

4 B5 D( w5 f" K$ y- T( t- C+ ~You left me without a word) y: Z7 y% z0 t. W: i. o2 k
I have nothing except my emptiness0 ~; L" O: V9 S+ i  g
My mood is like a cloud* v5 b( V9 p" ]$ ^/ l4 K
How could it be dispersed?+ @2 {" G+ ?8 W1 F

' l. ^6 ^9 G- \5 O0 Z% R& J8 R! v3 w  HFeelings bite my heart
" R$ `' V& P# D% l8 aYou are the right one I wait
( [4 v- W6 o5 Z+ xIn the depth of my soul
$ ?- E! i+ |6 E1 TI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 c, G5 `5 i2 K1 m/ t" v) [& {1 i
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道5 o; H: B. u  q' l. l+ u8 V0 C
就和用中文写一次9 h) K) E! g8 t9 m7 h
阿,我爱你
. _  k6 A! u1 ^: G; e你让我心跳好快0 @0 O" X, q3 i6 u& f7 d
你让我脸发热
8 }( m* M& l" a/ e; t+ ^我爱上你的大嘴唇
- g* K6 j& Q9 J* |XXXXX" @  U4 L/ b( i# {6 l( |. p
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?9 m! k! q9 P# L- }: t
# n. m( R5 w8 e! D
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, v! F2 a0 Q/ p/ u1 _5 a至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 1 k3 @: Q6 H: h# V  ]
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. Z! R4 M4 P* X! V5 d; O: ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道& W. B) i9 d5 g2 ^+ u! {
就和用中文写一次
, g; E) N+ e: c: c阿,我爱你
3 v. f! @) B  j" M+ F6 T你让我心跳好快# ]: y1 m4 {9 W1 G" f: S3 R
你让我脸发热
) m4 g& K5 T7 L' {9 L# b! ?- z我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 X; ~! r" [% m( f, f9 IXXXXX# P0 Z5 d1 ~7 O$ U& z
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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3 K6 w2 n2 {6 q8 _- l. Y9 W3 p
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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