我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

6 Q8 |/ P3 }6 l) L+ e% UI fell in love with you
: }2 X) \1 X+ s; M/ ZAt the first week we met
9 t  o$ f- J9 t8 q( d  U
% G7 D- P, z$ z4 T3 ?* Z4 Y1 VYou have charm, you have looks
( h- i7 {. n  nwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
( @+ {" \( J8 }- p! F: j8 K; n
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
3 _6 ?. ?- O, F; T3 S+ N% pYour body is chubby
" g2 F: U% E# I6 JAnd that is good for sex

3 ]3 \7 k: P9 j  M% {I was deeply in love
% L9 U2 T! z, ?- }" f6 kEverything from you is positive
. r6 [  z4 B7 J% w9 pYou blame me everything and everyday
% x) c8 |5 }2 HAnd I think all girls sound like

- c7 I7 K6 X- r  e& v* T( r7 ]6 S) FYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
: u8 ?8 i7 N: ]7 c
- e9 F7 ~+ e, T) X1 X$ t( i: XI fell in love with you
  Z, Q+ V1 M$ @! O, yBecome a fool to think
; n" k/ x$ z$ y5 H" J. FAll trouble things you did
: S$ b3 Y- S0 L. P' E8 F2 bAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
3 _" f* g0 u# HEverything from me is negative
( V7 _/ a5 A3 H: u4 f"My man should be like this,
; P* C& F; w+ }+ p  v$ z/ Yand I am helping you to improve'

0 B% S/ W( Q; I$ uYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
- Y3 M2 E4 q. _) [7 PMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
2 r9 W6 c( c& ~
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
2 p% Q% J& a( d. x/ D" k  mand I am seriously hurt
$ _% i+ e% w& w; r% ]
$ ?8 T$ M) T8 v( }) e3 S1 c! X3 PI will never love another
" S$ c) i2 ?" vIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

  ?: F; r- q$ D5 b& e
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
* I: f/ G" o2 z" }% l, @i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

# J# u9 j! D1 _) O9 B/ `9 J1 V& ywith the charm,
with the simles.
# V! I: q/ V5 PI fell in love with you
5 m3 [: O  w4 n0 E+ GIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

. u& n/ w% u5 q& c# T2 H/ E) TYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
7 K, B4 e4 Q  J" K5 e, `7 @And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 Q/ j0 o4 J: c9 J: }
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
6 U( s4 D, ^7 H1 A0 W1 q6 [although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
' j/ ?1 H0 H; j) h5 VBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
/ ~. \- G3 R, T) N2 N

: ~* H6 }1 q; n! N8 c( eHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: Q! h* ]  G5 H/ f0 C$ E; vHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
, H% K. E0 O, T" i# FShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
: g/ o4 X, B' ~2 O" yAnd his answer is
' C% I0 K2 b0 M4 ~9 d- O) VI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ V7 a$ Z! ]3 U3 L( e9 J
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
3 B. ?0 L+ ~% Z4 G2 v$ R# B) ?4 g
' k) z7 w' a- X0 NIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
4 [- ]; J8 S, hMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
. R# F( [$ t: }' _3 X% e( E" ?I have nothing except my emptiness
9 G  F% u5 L' V  v2 h8 tMy mood is like a cloud
7 l6 Y/ E; s1 @How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
2 P1 m$ [4 z5 `5 B( E2 KI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
* W# ]$ t* Q( }, j4 w5 U2 a你让我脸发热
5 A" o2 r& h' Y7 O我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
( ^6 }! }- N# k4 m# A不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
' P. U- t4 `3 z3 i5 D: K& F- {
! c$ H2 E9 O( F- x. T如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
/ f. f2 {$ G- c! n至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 H  I9 n; n) v5 Q% ?- ], ^就和用中文写一次
  d! y9 j7 t. ], Y/ O; N阿,我爱你
2 c$ ^3 e. t; U你让我心跳好快
& l1 x6 ^. M  ?3 y, i! X1 ^你让我脸发热
3 ]2 B0 e( b* k3 [2 o- z! S+ N7 S我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
0 s1 n9 w$ t9 S+ X8 |4 ^不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

% G! u1 P" p! S/ _) {. ^5 V1 s/ }靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。