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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
# c/ e& {7 ~( `) H0 b; bwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
. E# Z3 A$ u4 X: C+ @6 m) V8 k R$ x4 ninto a regular workout routine.: n& c- W3 x% l6 S+ e
5 k. h% Z0 ~4 Y. UDear Diary:! G- K4 x% g7 X9 C
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a! u+ T1 Q6 d3 T3 R c; o3 t; \3 G
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I) p2 \# A3 J$ M0 `0 k- p
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
8 b8 x E' j1 ^# myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' N$ c# U. e9 mtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" a2 g! G3 d( H( e, V) wnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics' u: p+ {0 R% R7 p, H$ f/ j
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear./ @0 V3 Q% u U5 K; [3 Y
0 W+ G. S& }* ]# f- x- T' Q( E2 KMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
+ I! R+ T/ e& w; e' ]encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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0 q( R; T! b- u( q: rMONDAY:
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R1 y( A5 \* m' G1 p! [Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well5 c# h- _, P( U) p
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
) i6 Y; g6 Q6 A2 d$ qme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing7 T( X9 @4 j) f+ o4 E+ \
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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' l C* ], T9 f/ e, P, z# IShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed# z" b/ `4 Y- c( ~8 }( T
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
- w/ ~' k m" p1 y* h9 Hin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in& ~6 P% J) j% A
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.( @* ^5 D' n. e, j# s5 [7 p$ W( K
- W+ J" C+ H& ^( S- P- _% `+ ?9 @Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,3 {" C; P$ Q @% c$ ~/ g' {) L+ {
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she: p1 R ~+ S' {/ i2 {2 v( \4 ?+ Y
was around. E" q1 L7 z& f4 C9 E4 @7 p
* z& f _4 h: }' ^" c6 `) mThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
, b: p1 P3 n3 N, a) B) i; v. {I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.8 o. t: ]7 V" A/ n2 O' ?
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
5 [" s M" m% s) e/ Uand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the' d8 G6 m. J! k4 L9 A
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
2 k( S$ F0 Y* a! w4 w$ B: F! ]all worthwhile.9 B( C: E; k* ~( ?) E9 F
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
4 M4 `+ s" K9 y$ j# tThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- `% \6 H$ p" P( R$ b# U( Hthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have' A5 r2 ~2 U7 x/ s" |0 j. K8 i% B
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
+ j# R4 }9 M2 I1 m+ Z$ ^ E! s% Esteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
2 e* G- N9 l# n9 ]2 [bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
- }$ s+ Y$ a4 X; q1 hearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine" f3 O/ l( e# R
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so0 K5 E/ g' Z/ h' G' n
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a/ i L7 S3 b! o" l, U' l& B9 X; g* b
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
/ l) z( F2 B4 k& u& Q" w- ~8 u$ ctold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.# a" K8 s o( s* W, n
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THURSDAY:2 K8 b: T X$ _! c, Z8 r
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% f0 h" X4 {3 `8 ^4 ~her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help" [* n8 d/ Y: S' R. Y3 c
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda4 O; {" b4 }2 r$ w* x/ B9 s
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
1 z2 \8 a' M% e/ n5 ~" `/ t3 Ghid in the men's room.( p& |: q5 ~- d4 b, o% W
& @0 H* Z! A2 JShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing; w) B2 p! Y+ g6 ~5 @
machine -- which I sank.4 M& y+ }- F: l' g$ t0 G. i/ m
. f+ ^$ e: o8 [FRIDAY:
5 w1 z( n9 I( D1 N! x/ E. II hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated4 Z6 p( d& Y- h" ~. F! u7 c, S
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,7 ]) C0 c- n/ I# f* t
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I+ N) a; s9 _7 F, x& r0 G& X U6 a
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda4 l1 N0 C! i2 ^$ d$ k6 y
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me! ?- \9 n2 M6 m% Y
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.; X; m( d5 S- ? ?. j$ k8 Y
" t" @: ^& H$ TThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
% h% @2 C" P* _1 ateacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
: c6 H+ W4 y( Z0 m$ I5 For the choir director?7 `2 D6 j, C6 x6 j
+ ~" l6 u# H0 H# p- Q% ?
SATURDAY:
( v, g% _# B: j' bBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,2 E) {6 b7 @! w+ X8 N$ b
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her5 Z" v# o8 g# T/ T
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the5 C" N/ \" N) k o5 k
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
% p* Y* y$ T2 y; L! Lhours of the Weather Channel.
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5 X; ^! v6 X0 P; R7 ~. ESUNDAY:6 k6 F6 {2 U F
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go0 O- {# d1 {6 q# K3 p( y
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,. y, M. d. @& t! J6 Q/ x
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like' }+ l' \; \2 s* a9 }
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
