WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
1 p: C/ B. k& h8 v4 \' o* ]wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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  }  ]1 B0 a" g/ l/ MDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
0 {  x: B& g9 S9 ]+ {. Eam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
2 a" E6 _+ d. M$ z* K- enamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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$ {- P) ~5 m1 s7 {# z9 `9 W; LMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
8 a. R) a, a! Deyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
/ ]6 w* {% j3 P; ]* ]/ G7 lin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
  A- E' U) x/ I1 H0 W' swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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: q+ l) B5 s4 R3 Q4 [2 tVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
0 a% I) H; Q, }. ~0 Q$ Z3 Palthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
& K) g6 Q3 I- s$ V# m% o7 R% A" P* |was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
0 J! U" X1 u  E2 Q) ^and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
/ m/ D! A$ w  O8 r+ f. tthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
. W; N8 B% `. `. A' Isteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
& _( b4 W" f) Q  F; A* J; Smachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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; \9 o6 F0 I+ V; K7 bShe said some other shit too.
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+ s; k& q4 S0 yTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
( F& }  }( l& J; G8 D  X/ Abeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( I) @/ Y, J8 {5 ?4 H4 o- rtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
$ B3 P) ?6 O- \3 j: q9 w4 z5 f& ghid in the men's room.

! d! R) c! D2 d) r+ W9 JShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
% s  f! q& D* S8 omachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: b) k! ^+ i6 Z% R1 D  nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
& |0 U* h! T8 E2 a5 y9 Y0 zshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

5 _8 O2 i/ V' r& \SUNDAY:
3 c4 E# \9 x9 v8 w% ~! VI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 g4 Y, `6 t' U9 Band thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
1 J, y& E6 j4 j9 n; dmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.