WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
1 h1 T( v8 ?0 w% ^into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
4 ]0 Z" U# ^' C6 M
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
9 v, Q( H0 H7 c! `2 H6 ]% x1 @/ G3 Cweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
/ p* v1 e6 ~( f9 d* l6 Dyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

* E  w9 b( v" d3 r, F5 u' U1 j$ E2 O5 iMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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2 x, h7 n' y1 r$ u# m5 I, N, ~MONDAY:

# R* @2 y5 ~0 A% rStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
. V4 i$ k5 M& R- Ome. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
6 s9 f5 ~, O  I. _! u* c% d9 [eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
! F+ [1 ~# [" q1 Z
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
5 x( |: Q. m+ H6 o# Yin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

7 q5 ], s! h7 a" g& X3 j; n8 pVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
5 h: D* a1 I2 o. C. Y5 Yalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
( P% ?# D  N$ j
4 H$ @$ e, W) c# ]/ A3 z/ D, WThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
; {! D; }: A( `# c- I. X+ y, D4 ?
0 \, Y" W( c" G+ fTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
! R, t  S( J! k  S# T4 QBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
' P2 I: \6 Z- U  Oand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

! h# R7 S5 \! T( f7 O5 _; }I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
4 ^8 A( E8 M% C; Q- G( V1 lThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
) w- S6 t. W, E8 d8 r7 Ethe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
0 v" ]! K6 F1 u1 o3 `" w# Ba hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
/ Y( [' M( @1 O' jbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
) _4 C! m4 A/ Jearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
3 O; C0 n* H  hthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
$ j+ x9 q3 H2 D/ Q5 Mmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' F, {5 K9 m! Ctold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
# r5 u# H; M4 w- P! ?! u7 DBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
' g$ R  _- d9 w! M' M1 G/ ?her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
9 J  t2 d/ W/ ]2 Lhid in the men's room.

: w/ N8 ~; I; l6 e( K4 oShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
* I% z* q1 W* qmachine -- which I sank.
3 J3 y3 u  O) F4 i6 D
* g8 l/ W; m  n. Z  eFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
9 X; c4 Z) I7 ~% M6 S: Dany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
- G: q, H" n0 l3 H9 Q4 N) ?( f% panemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
4 T5 ]) V: a. c. X" ]could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

* T% P; s0 p: E3 ]2 cAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
$ g0 W7 y8 q' y1 E9 m' H9 E% p* jthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
) W7 k% Q/ e5 g' r! P2 z! p+ M" k
1 H0 F9 Q$ S" q  R5 AThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 ?1 n' V) A; z: q! jteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
. d$ {- N) n* R) r$ lor the choir director?

SATURDAY:
+ {4 Z, t! x$ i: H$ W3 X5 ?Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
. ^9 i/ M3 U% k" y+ k/ ~$ I% J6 Eshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* M/ ]5 ?% J, Ystrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
# U* D4 H. f$ p9 R3 i# O0 G5 Qhours of the Weather Channel.
( p0 ~: C5 m; O: v9 G/ ?; Q
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.