WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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  k5 F5 o! M# B7 [9 ?Dear Diary:

$ ~) q( ^- }; |& a( ]For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
4 ?. F4 s  M$ j$ ]5 [2 V' Uyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
2 ^  v. D5 d5 l" f+ k  W; Minstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
' B1 W" D0 s2 R, E- E
# O  N) h( X/ m1 V8 uMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
( z$ z" M/ c& xencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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2 O. r2 G6 b) D+ G3 _. v+ CMONDAY:

: a6 Z, U8 R* p0 ^& GStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
3 E- Y4 Y0 w5 {me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
$ o7 k) F7 {) Z3 u2 g; X* I5 r+ X( S
* I9 H5 p) n2 A3 C& F! A1 x% lShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
+ ]) s, `  I7 J& athat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
# y$ v& c6 H6 u. c9 Zin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
0 r( A! l7 }' g, A; K) Z& B; t( r  Talthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
% O: o$ [# i  V4 z  n% H; cwas around.
8 _  R6 b/ ?# r1 i% s
: k& A! D0 S- ~8 Z/ N+ Z- m; l$ nThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
+ |( w. E  d6 f) x2 ?4 ^
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
( t& @# J0 {  L- L- P6 Htreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
; _( v5 @, h3 x& w$ Aall worthwhile.
1 ^4 x: Y4 j' K4 V8 w( A0 W9 a
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

6 I% H1 h; D: ^3 ^% k7 e3 HWEDNESDAY:
3 G$ Y4 {% F+ }; k6 ]9 xThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
1 W: ]3 Y4 n' x1 g! Mthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
- E) R, A( l' v5 D5 L5 f; E% Ea hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
2 l  \8 b# i- x$ j( `bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
, q3 t- M+ n0 g1 a3 p, O% Cmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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/ P7 V- j( B7 {, y; |& u( a! bShe said some other shit too.
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, Q6 N$ D; Z7 a4 S% `6 }THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
: D* ~+ `! @) B1 [0 X+ Btook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
2 E9 o5 E! w" _  n" M  khid in the men's room.

+ p7 c) b7 w1 I% e+ |She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
% g' S' z4 K& D  F+ i3 Imachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
( R: k) j$ l( s1 S) y) J7 L: R: Iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! p. {, y: i; b8 Ranemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
( O! x4 m% {7 zwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
) z  ?- H$ g/ Y. }4 B
- [% `1 M3 ]- v8 i1 L% C3 c7 AThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

$ S% n5 [% Y7 r% l( v; A9 ASATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
- r1 Z/ l* @( \+ W3 t( Lstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
7 _) Y4 O4 {7 W, Thours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
2 T+ {; B# {' II'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
1 z- @5 S# v! A- b2 Q7 ^my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
* u' a; d- ^) _! K6 Sa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.