WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
" @! c7 {: o4 Z& ~4 Nwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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: W1 Z5 e# _/ oDear Diary:
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( p9 `* _) k' T$ KFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
6 I  f3 x" D2 {! @week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
( b' h+ c, r; _% N) c; C: qyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
/ w; \' V- {4 kinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
$ D2 B' v/ n9 V, ]: @0 F2 G$ Y9 F
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

& t$ W" F" i# q$ dMONDAY:
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/ Z+ ?/ N+ W- e# b% u0 M" N% v8 b( NStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
- n$ \% S1 D' G, uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
+ `# z! Z5 _1 m$ Heyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

& G0 j* R  Q3 K+ CShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
# c' e3 {5 A" z. y; Win her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

4 O3 e4 t% U( \; e, VVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
+ f# y* m9 ?. {2 Y- g% dwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
  `) J8 t! z: U
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
. s$ k0 W8 h2 x4 jBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
7 L0 }! i5 }) U4 W; X! u' G9 Vtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
: f; x& ]! U" H& Jall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
) @  L! u# n* r  X% ZThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 k2 Y, ?% D, B* q" N5 s# Z- dthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
; x* P7 `. b$ Yearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ S! K* I. O' ?! w6 m) ~7 ?; B2 [& Bthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; O# b% J) ^& V* n5 BBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
1 z9 Z$ `8 k$ U( M' r) ztold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

; C# f5 X: J! o' tShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
- }% l# O% |8 l) N1 K& kher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
% C( v0 F' c+ w2 G, g' t. |took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
" W4 G: z; G. chid in the men's room.
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) w' A' K# {. P( ]% B4 @' yShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
- S; s  t! {$ m. f. u- S5 lany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
5 B# z  G2 H; I4 j" ?; K/ Fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
% L) M; M9 R1 C4 }6 P" `! N, d! Y) _wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
  [: {" P" x8 W0 E( h# V0 Uthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
4 E) x' }  x4 I. a, K3 B
( ?/ X2 A9 N# R5 n+ a5 uThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
5 O' w, [& y6 r9 |teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
2 g( X+ }% Y( l& Tor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
4 X3 m' [# L6 X2 R  i# }- `Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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/ j, C, S5 W) U. j. k- ^7 ~SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
& Q; V( |: a* ^3 M( ]) n) zmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
! g/ M: q$ E. |: Qa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.