WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
* Z/ _# Z  Q2 E6 swrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
- t4 p: y3 E) a& R$ G7 _: u
2 c' ]) Y4 ], c" U: a' h7 [Dear Diary:
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6 j7 Z# F* g  a2 LFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
2 a' u3 \+ J  `5 i' [9 Jweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" s% B* P' n  I: dnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

/ ^9 C% G+ y( H. [  `Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
: [# w9 q% N7 L3 r" ?! y8 Feyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
2 }7 _) u" W7 m! s7 U: L
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
1 R  L( C$ R7 E4 o0 Z0 v; q: ain her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
, V2 K% o' h+ \0 ?although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
( S7 c2 A6 l% c* r8 V& m! _9 p# [was around.
( ~& d" F5 l9 p8 K
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
% ?; j/ }% |9 \0 ^I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
& R# e2 N3 Z2 O+ dBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
4 [1 U6 p  i! w* uand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
. b% _$ z1 S. w
' A8 ^+ U8 Q- WI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

- r( S- _2 e2 W0 K. @& KWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 \! v9 C  ~+ _. wthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
$ C+ i* ^/ A. a6 v& Y8 f8 n7 O+ csteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
! Z# H; H( b( j  q! Obothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
* ^4 N, C! W  Y; U3 dBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
: _1 `! C8 {+ N( i; c8 B! Jmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
4 B9 w! e  J) H: Qtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

0 P1 ^  O  ?! A4 O" x* |8 LTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; t$ v4 Q4 w  W8 P! dtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
+ B: L1 W/ G# X8 ]3 C+ g  J+ }hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
, t  Q3 s1 N' P5 s2 amachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
7 }) @( o# p- s/ C* ~. c5 rI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
7 v8 B, ~# z+ `  [: @& _  Nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
  _1 M1 T& W# j$ u6 R  U; \# `  cthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
6 q) t/ V" Q% F# R' I
' W" u/ G2 Q0 `# WThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 u/ N% U3 Z2 R5 }; i3 Pteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
! L5 `% s4 O3 t$ f$ N. r9 kor the choir director?
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( F. I1 ]# }+ O% {+ H3 KSATURDAY:
) N2 j3 B! Q) j% g  M) dBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
' ^" Q( h  i1 a. V# Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* P1 E, J( P) Cstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
: O5 W' h2 @" \' {2 Dhours of the Weather Channel.

0 h" r1 m8 n* v0 ESUNDAY:
9 Q3 g7 f9 }+ x8 ~1 @8 e) U; E# VI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
2 N, p# I! w! a1 Jand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
* p  m& D/ Q/ q- Y( ]8 u: _5 X4 Pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.