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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
/ R" r/ P/ c$ ^$ k& e$ w) `, i, b7 Q9 H: Jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get8 }( G7 I& y8 F
into a regular workout routine.
$ D8 D! j+ Q. ~7 i. M1 r
& E9 d. ]- ]* F1 f) eDear Diary:2 K+ b7 X2 |9 A% p8 l
2 |2 f. W, k4 p) }4 nFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
. [; n5 y1 s/ b) N! Aweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
: Y1 Q; Y+ v5 I3 D. c( ~am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25( r) Q J% e6 b" i
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' {/ A- s( p* h( Utry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer5 a& S4 w7 \ a% C- N5 _
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
8 y! u3 O8 [2 n: }3 |3 n( m4 x8 H( Pinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.! {7 y) F Q: ]2 s- V
& E, o7 |2 z5 M$ {4 v
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
2 N! t- i, V: W5 v. ^9 i7 mencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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- ~, r9 ^* g, t4 B0 gMONDAY:
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7 {% J8 r0 s0 b" f! s% E' P- GStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
`* q: J2 R2 v2 y4 |& A# Nworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
. k( f9 T- K# s4 d0 Y$ ?9 fme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
; b( b% Z% W5 w* k; yeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!' t$ D$ p# U' N/ U8 v- Z
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed1 K+ F$ r( k; T' t
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her$ j! M$ o8 c& ]( ?( ~
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in9 o) ~3 A4 t0 F' r
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.: M" V2 h5 M% j& z8 m& L& F
" H( N" W8 v/ `- \' c5 k; ~Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups," ]8 k, {* e+ z) d8 d' ?% V- X
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! S) v& [. X. e3 x9 Zwas around.
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) G# r. b6 |. I, B) `; |This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!2 t; ?/ ?% p+ q. ~4 v
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TUESDAY:
* {& g2 m" P! X9 y# q, MI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.8 Y* e8 I& T! H! A5 R
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,* D6 T) ^8 E N9 a& q5 i
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
+ w8 \& H% q' a+ Otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
Z; m* B( F5 H* h% _& \- p6 uall worthwhile.: C# ^- F) S7 m' d& C
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:2 m! g" L/ T0 G
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on {' u U7 ~( S
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ S/ w; {( D% Q: M3 ua hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, {+ a+ ]4 c( A- Isteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
1 ?4 w: Q+ ?3 ?" u/ _8 D2 M2 `' @bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
! ^9 B& R! a0 |2 B8 ?# o4 j: j$ Iearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine% X2 w' `4 [- U& s* s
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
1 a( P( k8 @2 g) L+ |. ?Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
& J2 `% }9 V9 d) K/ B7 kmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda* ]! y9 X5 Y9 L8 _8 t D2 [7 q
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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0 L' p: B8 e6 G4 k+ l$ y3 jShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:) S/ F, u |2 w7 G5 p
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
! s3 n: L% `' o- W1 V+ b' cher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
% W: X- N: a ibeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
3 S2 t/ t: a& f: ~4 Ytook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and6 \- p$ q ]2 X' V5 _
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing" c' c" d: l* I) F0 ]' i
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
: p# Z0 Q1 d. dI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated! q+ t0 c$ p2 g$ ]
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,+ @/ D ^2 C+ b
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
/ \7 Z0 B5 d# p! O0 g; C% Fcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
/ h: t0 s- \3 h3 U% owanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!1 d b, b4 }* i/ r+ c$ O, u
) [6 H7 U- l+ c0 I. P
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me, V* j7 K3 D# m. {5 P
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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6 Q! z! d: _- M b; vThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition8 q9 i/ ]6 i- _: x, V
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach0 T. d& Z& _; w, {
or the choir director?9 i! P" K# p3 O/ C3 }
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SATURDAY:
3 x5 h+ _" y) a3 C9 OBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
! o* x) t+ q) _% Z" W8 [& Yshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her) _1 x) O& z: _- K9 i0 ?2 t [
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the- _- ?# l6 Q7 T; ?6 E% b
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
0 v7 m: C8 ^4 e7 O1 @% B: \hours of the Weather Channel.: a' K9 h/ C9 I. g1 E w
4 n+ d3 ^1 x* q6 Q; sSUNDAY:
. |) t2 h" m0 C& F. R, D" u7 LI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
8 `; J. F) d8 `4 z! `1 Nand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. p6 f* z2 G4 Xmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
! _( _7 h4 @2 h& c( `: a8 u$ ka root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
