WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
0 [6 s) X' S/ {: wwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
/ s, \( u3 ]7 g* e$ C: h/ winto a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
  u8 |% G5 b2 `0 ]
* A: U' [, L( o2 n; n5 [For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
8 q( h9 F. T4 I. P/ G! `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
' |3 ~2 N) n2 N: K4 ]7 c+ n- Gnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
+ y4 a" H. `) t% |9 X: {: }( Wencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

0 `0 b% D) E, y; B: |MONDAY:

4 C4 I: a: y6 R$ \, X0 K% i9 J/ TStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

6 T0 \6 w1 t7 C! K0 kShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
! H/ `' U9 \" W/ Y# d6 [which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
8 B& S, E6 n0 e: |4 s1 y
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
# w6 G& y2 s1 Q: H* w$ C3 Q4 VBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
3 S+ F9 v- Y3 A. fall worthwhile.
, X$ W$ }! S3 ~; A5 F7 I+ E
: d3 H! _6 j5 w) U9 N: e: yI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

4 p2 c" g! j3 y; ^$ E1 p$ UWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
! H) _$ r' q! S" rsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
8 U. B5 A# d1 {! L; Sthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
) z6 t2 q; ]+ W! ybeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
0 @7 [9 a# ~  s' e/ stook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
1 {; h% V$ j1 F5 C$ hhid in the men's room.

' M, s& Z0 ]4 p/ ^: \" GShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
, |5 j8 l4 N) ~3 aI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
% |7 y; I5 o; v1 S+ Ycould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
; `9 v3 S% _! L/ _/ m2 `wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
  X; q. _2 {( a  [! ?
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
9 Q+ G! W5 Z9 Bthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

7 X( g! n5 W6 c7 h+ jThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ w  x' Y$ F$ x3 R5 e; `% U, dteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
1 D$ E: O! S% ]  f! z1 w8 o5 f, ror the choir director?
) j5 C/ y' Q) d; E: [9 ^+ Z
6 N* U) X4 |4 z5 N, _" YSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
+ m6 B) r* {/ B* o  u+ }5 a3 Estrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

3 A% o- E* v, g$ {: ?* W; ySUNDAY:
# ?+ e/ w, @1 r2 kI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
9 u: O7 T4 A5 }9 N6 E1 {6 c3 @a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.