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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
, J# V7 W" b# S" X+ g; M0 f: q4 e: hwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
4 g3 ]) } K& ?$ y8 k. f& t8 Pinto a regular workout routine./ Q( D* g+ R6 ~
. p9 A X0 B! r1 p& e! K8 kDear Diary:' A7 v0 z! b9 j1 \ P7 F
! O: `* ]3 ^/ K$ P/ v+ v+ Z9 x, AFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a& X, j2 I% C' w" h7 y
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
0 m: h" q$ q& E$ m& x mam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25* z+ h3 [- O" |5 s
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
/ b6 O2 X) A4 {try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer, `7 U) g! v% T1 }
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics# Z3 F6 ?/ e z% B; m7 E: _$ X$ _. o
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear./ E' B3 h! E; J
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club8 l# ?8 e7 ^5 l$ c* H8 U) G
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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7 K+ R+ ?" x+ W+ S+ DStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well) P3 O4 ` F5 B. X7 n. i
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
$ i! T! P1 i+ ~# r' J. _0 f/ Gme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing) q; y6 Z* Q3 J2 {* @4 Y
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
' a! O' Z5 p0 J7 O7 L" ]3 U, l1 u' Hthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her5 o6 ^2 r& q' A( g8 b
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in$ Q+ g. y4 ]$ w5 F
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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5 K+ B% I+ U' h4 S, g4 T; s+ q- Y2 OVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,$ C) V. ^" B' f* F) g. ~( w
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she* a& W) o1 r4 }( K
was around.: c4 v/ ]6 s/ b L2 u
! f5 J; J- X ?This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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, c1 N* y; d. C, s/ e$ c9 vTUESDAY:
5 T' C8 w4 e; q: H. I6 l1 II drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
( Z3 ^9 I7 ~( q+ U, wBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, I# y. w% L- s/ Q! A) A. V$ H* `/ I! Dand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the$ N$ p$ R7 C3 F
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it& R! T$ h: }0 |) f8 o9 V
all worthwhile.# i F+ A0 @! j- `* A
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.6 J$ j/ V0 }' Q! t/ [8 b% Z- J4 ?
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WEDNESDAY:
3 h3 \4 ]' B6 U4 h `: lThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on5 V; h# k; R$ a* E5 K1 ^( W
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have: O" f# {& c. L& x. n
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" X( m5 ?) j5 t2 Q5 qsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams. K! q+ ~8 R! T
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ J* B. Y4 [# `+ }! Kearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
& @! u6 t0 B# c* @1 |% {that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
% k2 c8 q5 ?& {4 t1 J0 m+ `Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
' U& ^# q4 m& f) u' t2 Imachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda3 P8 J& M- e9 u2 ]& l* w
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life., s; R% P j q7 N
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She said some other shit too.
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4 h' r1 O3 G; e- k5 pTHURSDAY:
: E. P y2 Y/ D5 E( wBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
8 L' _# }! f4 S9 E5 uher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help" ^% b1 }1 f* U) j+ X T5 B i" D
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
, g: S) O x/ Ftook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and' \, O$ G% Z. H5 l
hid in the men's room.
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8 J: ]1 W2 B4 y& I; t( \She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
. T+ M2 V }0 l4 c; Q5 Wmachine -- which I sank.
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1 l$ [- |) V) ?) m1 h& e1 c( `) wFRIDAY:
3 a8 ?: L) _& w D' jI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
$ H0 g' m+ z6 J" f9 f4 p5 ]+ xany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
6 X0 d7 a8 a- Q* Fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I* f1 m# B; K8 s
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! {* J7 {8 p- Dwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!' c8 A& Z. }/ H2 v/ t- H
6 B6 S3 {. o- M L' M* ]And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
/ v$ {3 l2 h- Tthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition1 M* p5 V( `6 s; L( g
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach/ h; z$ ]+ U& G, D; v9 Z, g
or the choir director?. ~( J) f+ n- |8 |
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SATURDAY:
3 K2 _1 Q& U/ p" L0 P# {Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
! ?; [, V$ g% Y5 w* l% mshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
( W8 P1 S3 t) P' [* L' Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
4 ]( z' Y, J9 }' ? R$ }strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 I( B4 v- t& [; n0 D7 Xhours of the Weather Channel.1 O7 I+ t% A, k# n1 g9 `7 e% s
8 X- R+ p- b) r6 g1 d0 ^# HSUNDAY:
* ]* z" {- n3 v/ wI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
6 ` X" F- [$ M1 F& o' E4 v" uand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
& _; U% y$ I& P' p& D. Wmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
7 V9 l& O; x$ ]- l% K* x: ra root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
